Relationship With Mum

[FinninEng]

Sorry, this is a bit long. Bit of background - I'm mid 40's, settled and contented life, work FT, one DC who's just reached 16 years old. I've just been diagnosed with ADHD and autism (I've got a feeling this is relevant).

My dad died when I was 16, and my mum - beside herself with grief and love for my dad - stopped parenting me. I was desperately sad about my dad, young for my age, and all over the place basically. I failed my exams, and got into an abusive 'relationship' with someone in their 40's. My mum moved to a different country without telling me - I knew it was a possibility, but literally, one day she was just gone - leaving me to try to live as an adult, without a clue how to budget, which left me in debt constantly.

Without going into too much detail, the next 15 years were awful, as I lurched from awful relationship to awful relationship, got fired from rubbish jobs, and stopped caring about myself at all and eventually became bulimic.

My mum rebuilt her life, remarried (then separated, but amicably) and is successful in her professional career, and a pretty polished individual. I've followed a similar path, ironically in the same field, and we've maintained a relationship as adults that is - on the surface - affectionate and normal.

However the truth is that since my DS became a mid-teenager, and I'm going through that minefield of giving freedom/letting him stretch his wings etc, whilst also making sure he's seeing a dentist every 6 months, taking him to careers fairs, talking to him about exams/friendships/football/whatever he wants, it's opened up a wound in me that I didn't know was there.

I'm suddenly, and unexpectedly, so bitter and angry with my mum for dumping me like she did. I know how much pain she was in, but I look at my son and it breaks my heart to think of myself at that age, and how much I still needed a parent.

My mum expects me to be the loving, dutiful daughter that I have been, but I'm finding it so hard. My self esteem was on the floor for years, I had no boundaries, no guidance, and I've been in some horrible situations as a result.

I don't know how to move forward. I can't scream and shout about it - that's just not me. I can't talk to my mum - she's in permanent denial about anything she finds uncomfortable. It would lead to upset and absolutely no resolution.

Does anyone have some magic bullet words that will help me just move past this point? Thanks for reading anyway.

Just therapy really. It’s a classic pattern that you start feeling the pain again at the time your child reaches the age you were when you went through the pain. Good luck.

Thank you. It's actually helpful just to know it's a thing - you said a classic pattern - rather than me just being an awful person. That is a helpful thought to keep with me, thanks.

I've been through something very similar @FinninEng . I also think I am autistic (my DC are) and I had my first DC at 17 and in an abusive relationship.

I have emotionally distanced myself from my mum, although still see her regularly.

I wonder if it might work for you to broach the subject with her as if she is a stranger and bring up some of the difficulties you had as a teenager.

You could write her a letter or email.

My mum always says 'you were so grown up and sensible'. I think that is partly an autism thing. In reality, I was a lot more vulnerable and naive than other kids my age, but came across as serious and intelligent and quiet. I wonder if your mum had the same perception of you and an incorrect assumption that you were grown up when she left.

Thanks Velvian. I'm really sorry you had a similar time of it growing up.

I was definitely more vulnerable and naive than most kids, but yes, I was quiet, introverted and no trouble really (although I was always given the impression that I was a problem somehow).

I can't remember so much of my childhood and early 20's. I've no idea how much retained memory is normal - I seem to have years and years that I can't recall at all.

It's weird: I feel that my mum doesn't really like me at all. She always tells me that she loves me, and I believe that she thinks she does, but I think she doesn't like me, or the fact that I keep my emotional - if not physical or geographical - distance from her.

It's so hard. I do want to broach some of this stuff, but I know she would shut down, blame me, get defensive and be reductive about anything I tried to say to her. I haven't told her I've been diagnosed with autism/ADHD as I fully expect a eye-roll and some kind of, 'well everyone thinks they've got it these days" type response.

I'm making her sound awful, which she's not. There are many good things, but I'm not seeing them terribly clearly at the moment!

I really appreciate your reply, thank you.

I have many of the same feelings about my Dad during my childhood, although for different reasons. And after years of being angry at him about it, I've realised the easiest thing is to just let it go.

There's no point arguing with him about it, he either doesn't understand or won't admit to what he did wrong and how it affected me. So I'm never going to get what I'm looking for out of any conversation about his failures.

He's reached a point now where I think he's scared of being lonely in old age, so for the past 10 years or so he's been trying in a way he never did when I was younger. And he probably thinks we have a good relationship now. And at surface level, we do. I enjoy a pint and a curry with him every few weeks, chatting about random crap. But I'd never talk to him about anything serious, or ask for advice, or trust him. I don't love him, he's just a friend who I see for a pint sometimes.

Accepting that was one of the best things that's happened to me. That realisation that I don't need him, and I don't need to keep carrying the hurt that he caused me growing up. I can't change who he was, and being angry about it is just ruining my own mood, and having no greater effect. So we go, we have our pint and curry, and then I forget about him for a few more weeks.

I would also suggest you seek therapy from the likes of BACP. Find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any one particular therapist.

Do not write her a letter; it will be seen by her as an attack on her no matter how carefully worded it is. I would drop the rope and adopt a low contact position leading to no contact.

Do not tell her about your diagnoses; she is not going to become any more nicer and or sympathetic towards you.

You are making her sound awful because she is awful (as well as self absorbed and selfish to the extreme).

She left you at 16 years of age; you were but a child then and also vulnerable to being abused and mistreated (which you then were). She abandoned you to move overseas and live her own life. No one adult bothered with or looked out for you then. There is really NO excuse for such behaviour in a parent.

You now have a child of a similar age and you would in no way treat him like you were; that is why this also hurts. Your mother has not really changed in all these years since; she still expects you to be around here and is pissed off that you are not. She reaps what she has sown and you do not owe her anything now, let alone a relationship.

There’s a big overlap between trauma and adhd. You might find that as you begin healing and your body comes off hyper alert your symptoms subside.

"There are many good things, but I'm not seeing them terribly clearly at the moment!"

And that is likely because there are not many good things you can write or say about your mother now or even back then. She abandoned you to live overseas, she stopped all responsibility to you at 16. This was and remains reprehensible behaviour on her part.

You also do not remember much of your childhood because you've deliberately blanked it out as both a coping and defence mechanism. It was and remains extremely traumatising.

@FinninEng I only know this as I have been through therapy (on and off for years) to get to the bottom of my ‘issues’ (issues in quote marks as I was ‘always the problem’ and ‘needed help’ ….) and it always came back to my mother. Always. And I was terrified of repeating it myself. So terrified I hoped I’d have boys not girls. Except fate delivered me girls and I can’t explain the revelations that have come along the way…about how badly I was treated, it horrifies me to think back that I might do to my daughters what she did to me. It’s literally abhorrent. From basic stuff like making me do my own food shopping and wash my own clothes at 10 to more awful stuff I won’t go into but has been investigated by police since. Therapy literally saved me. I’m pleased to say I’m now a semi normally functioning human with an amazing family who love me, good job, good steadfast friends. Sometimes not sure how i managed it.
Don’t choke down your anger and resentment it’s there for a reason. I ended up poorly at times with it all. Get a bit of therapy it’ll help you process it, I found it illuminating xx