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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Want out of my relationship but stuck in a tennancy

24 replies

WantOutOfMyHouse · 03/10/2024 00:15

Hi,

Im after some advice please, or just to be heard really.

I want out of my relationship, DP is horrible, manipulative and coercive when it comes to sex. Unfortunately I'm stuck here for at least another year because of our tennancy agreement. I have a young DC so refuse to ruin my finances or credit rating so stuck. Hopefully I can leave before they can understand what is going on. I dont even know if I can afford to leave with childcare costs.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I'll be single forever and never have any more children, I have an incurable STI and that plus the responsibilities that comes with being a single parent means I'll probably never meet anyone else. I shouldn't care but I'm really struggling to come to terms with that, I cant believe I messed up my life like this.

Is there a way to get a landlord to break the tennancy? Or am I basically stuck here until the tennancy runs out?

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2024 00:29

Please speak to Women's Aid especially as you are being manipulated for sex. Unless you are enthusiastic in your consent you are being raped. I'm so sorry Flowers

If you don't have privacy to talk you can email them.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support

BriannasBananaBread · 03/10/2024 01:22

You can also visit your (or any) local branch of women's aid without appointment OP. I couldn't care about my credit rating if I was being raped, that's a high price to pay. Although I don't know why you think your credit rating would be affected? You get removed from the tenancy so no further liability, not just stop paying and end up with a CCJ when your ex stops paying too, assuming joint tenancy. If it's solely your tenancy, then ask LL permission to change locks tomorrow (you'll need your very valid reasons why) and just don't let your ex back in. If it's ex's tenancy you've no liability for rent and can just leave. You'll be able to afford to work, that's what UC is for.

Acornsoup · 03/10/2024 01:43

You can get a non molestation order to prevent DP from coming near the property. They will still have to pay bills and you will be safe until you can find alternative accommodation. Please talk to the police about this.

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 03/10/2024 01:54

I have no idea what is agreed in your tenancy, but nobody with an ounce of empathy would expect you to remain there for another year with an abusive partner.
Please listen to the advice of members who have escaped situations like yours. Listen and then - please - take action.
I am sorry that this has happened to you, don't let it continue. 🌺

WantOutOfMyHouse · 03/10/2024 15:07

thanks for your replies, it's a joint tennancy with no break clause. I was under the impression that I would need the landlords approval to break the agreement, and a court order if they didn't agree

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2024 16:16

Contact Shelter or Citizens Advice. When speaking to them make sure you have a copy of your tenancy agreement. It doesn't sound right that you can never leave until a year is up as that makes no allowances for loss of job or ill health/accident. These two organisations will know more.

england.shelter.org.uk/

PrincessofWells · 03/10/2024 16:22

AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2024 16:16

Contact Shelter or Citizens Advice. When speaking to them make sure you have a copy of your tenancy agreement. It doesn't sound right that you can never leave until a year is up as that makes no allowances for loss of job or ill health/accident. These two organisations will know more.

england.shelter.org.uk/

In a fixed term tenancy the agreement cannot be broken within the fixed term unless varied by agreement by all parties.

Op can leave but will remain jointly and severally liable until she ends the tenancy by giving one month's notice to end at the end of the fixed term.

category12 · 03/10/2024 16:38

Credit ratings can be rebuilt more easily than traumatised minds.

Do you have any supportive family who might be able to help you financially or practically to leave sooner?

category12 · 03/10/2024 16:41

And if your sti is something like herpes, loads of people live with it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough.

BriannasBananaBread · 03/10/2024 17:03

WantOutOfMyHouse · 03/10/2024 15:07

thanks for your replies, it's a joint tennancy with no break clause. I was under the impression that I would need the landlords approval to break the agreement, and a court order if they didn't agree

LL will usually agree where there's DA. They'd have to really really hate victims of DA not to agree.

Contact Women's Aid who can help advocate for you, report him to police and get a crime number if that's what it takes. Don't expect much of an outcome there but sometimes officials need the evidence that you're not just making it up to suit your own ends, so police reports are that evidence regardless of the outcome. I'm not suggesting for one second that there's going to be a trial or any justice at all. Don't stick around being abused in various forms just because you think you're trapped, you're not, speak up, be truthful about what's happening, don't downplay anything, ask for help, it is there but you have to engage with it. You can get out of this situation far sooner than you think.

Do you know, can either you or your STBX afford to pay the rent in full? If one can and one can't, the LL is going to be happiest financially giving the tenancy to the one who can. Or they may prefer to give the tenancy to you because you're not the arsehole tenant. If you want to move you can always move next year.

Be open to any possibility that means you don't have to live with him. Before you turn down any options, ask questions to ensure you understand the full consequences of that decision, for your situation going forward. Then decide once you have the full facts.

Have you been on Entitled To website? Enter your hypothetical situation into the calculator as if you were single.

There's a website where you can find out the LHA for your area, you'll need to do that first. Is it just you or any dependent DC? That affects the number of bedrooms you're officially allocated. Any extra bedrooms or any extra rent (for a nicer place/area) above the LHA then you'd pay for that part yourself, even if you got maximum LHA. Obviously you don't have to stay in current area you can move, but to find the LHA you need a postcode so maybe ask friends or colleagues if needed. Otherwise IDK if the postcode of a shop would work, you could Google a random address if it would.

Non-dependent DC would be homeless in their own right if at risk of abuse so could present at the council as such, or they'd remain housed with your ex if he's ok with that and homeless (and so eligible for help) if not. Non dependent DC who want to live with you may need to consider leaving education and getting a job to help pay rent/utilities/CT, if that's the only way you can make it work. Over 18 you're not obliged as a parent to house them so there's no help from officialdom to help you do so.

Depending on ages of DC you may be able to be housed in a refuge if you're the one to leave since you're officially homeless at that point, unless you can go out quickly and find a private rental (you sound skint so maybe not the preferred financial prospect for most LL) and from there into either private or social rented housing. I believe the rule for refuge is no boys over 10. That doesn't mean you're on your own and Women's Aid won't help you at all though, that's not the case.

PrincessofWells · 03/10/2024 17:12

@BriannasBananaBread good comprehensive advice except the landlord cannot 'give' the tenancy to whomsoever he chooses, that is legally not within his power. A legal interest already exists by op and the other joint tenant. See my post above for steps.

Acornsoup · 03/10/2024 17:18

@PrincessofWells would the OP be able to opt out though?

PrincessofWells · 03/10/2024 17:54

Acornsoup · 03/10/2024 17:18

@PrincessofWells would the OP be able to opt out though?

Op can leave but will remain jointly and severally liable until she ends the tenancy by giving one month's notice to end at the end of the fixed term.

So no. In practice landlords are nearly always open to negotiation, but it would depend on how much the partner earns, because if the ll has insurance the remaining party may not qualify on affordability so voiding the insurance. It's unlikely they would be amenable to that. It's a risk too far.

WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/10/2024 22:58

PrincessofWells · 03/10/2024 17:54

Op can leave but will remain jointly and severally liable until she ends the tenancy by giving one month's notice to end at the end of the fixed term.

So no. In practice landlords are nearly always open to negotiation, but it would depend on how much the partner earns, because if the ll has insurance the remaining party may not qualify on affordability so voiding the insurance. It's unlikely they would be amenable to that. It's a risk too far.

Thanks, and thanks to everyone that has replied.

Neither DP or I on paper earns the minimum required by the landlord to take on the tennancy alone. I could afford the rent payments but would have very little in my account at the end of the month. DP would be the type to avoid paying maintenence and doesn't belive in supporting any children that he doesn't live with so no extra income there. So he would support stepchildren but not his own child, especially if another man was in the house. (found this out in arguments after DC was already born, much different to the things he was saying in our relationship prior or even during the pregnancy).

Childcare would be an issue aswell, I dont know how I would pay this and pay the rent. Currently getting alot of help with childcare from my support system but this will end soon (don't want to go into details as its outing)

OP posts:
WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/10/2024 23:03

BriannasBananaBread · 03/10/2024 17:03

LL will usually agree where there's DA. They'd have to really really hate victims of DA not to agree.

Contact Women's Aid who can help advocate for you, report him to police and get a crime number if that's what it takes. Don't expect much of an outcome there but sometimes officials need the evidence that you're not just making it up to suit your own ends, so police reports are that evidence regardless of the outcome. I'm not suggesting for one second that there's going to be a trial or any justice at all. Don't stick around being abused in various forms just because you think you're trapped, you're not, speak up, be truthful about what's happening, don't downplay anything, ask for help, it is there but you have to engage with it. You can get out of this situation far sooner than you think.

Do you know, can either you or your STBX afford to pay the rent in full? If one can and one can't, the LL is going to be happiest financially giving the tenancy to the one who can. Or they may prefer to give the tenancy to you because you're not the arsehole tenant. If you want to move you can always move next year.

Be open to any possibility that means you don't have to live with him. Before you turn down any options, ask questions to ensure you understand the full consequences of that decision, for your situation going forward. Then decide once you have the full facts.

Have you been on Entitled To website? Enter your hypothetical situation into the calculator as if you were single.

There's a website where you can find out the LHA for your area, you'll need to do that first. Is it just you or any dependent DC? That affects the number of bedrooms you're officially allocated. Any extra bedrooms or any extra rent (for a nicer place/area) above the LHA then you'd pay for that part yourself, even if you got maximum LHA. Obviously you don't have to stay in current area you can move, but to find the LHA you need a postcode so maybe ask friends or colleagues if needed. Otherwise IDK if the postcode of a shop would work, you could Google a random address if it would.

Non-dependent DC would be homeless in their own right if at risk of abuse so could present at the council as such, or they'd remain housed with your ex if he's ok with that and homeless (and so eligible for help) if not. Non dependent DC who want to live with you may need to consider leaving education and getting a job to help pay rent/utilities/CT, if that's the only way you can make it work. Over 18 you're not obliged as a parent to house them so there's no help from officialdom to help you do so.

Depending on ages of DC you may be able to be housed in a refuge if you're the one to leave since you're officially homeless at that point, unless you can go out quickly and find a private rental (you sound skint so maybe not the preferred financial prospect for most LL) and from there into either private or social rented housing. I believe the rule for refuge is no boys over 10. That doesn't mean you're on your own and Women's Aid won't help you at all though, that's not the case.

I'll get some advice from women's aid, thank you.

I earn okay (not well enough for London by some's standards but I'm happy for now) and have a few thousand in savings but these have been and continue to be decimated by the moving process, DP not paying me back for certain things etc. I dont think it's enough to move into another tenancy.

Entitled to - I've checked this and id be eligible for some help from UC but not until DP is off the tenancy. I think he'd even fight to stay on it to make my life harder

OP posts:
WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/10/2024 23:05

category12 · 03/10/2024 16:41

And if your sti is something like herpes, loads of people live with it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough.

It is Herpes, I know i shouldn't be ashamed of it but I am the shame is awful. I dont think I could ever tell someone about it so would probably just stay single. Which is fine, I just need to come to terms with it as it's not how i thought my life would go

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 07/10/2024 23:46

LHA calculator is here https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/

If ex is earning then he'll find it hard to get away with not paying child maintenance

Search for Local Housing Allowance rates by postcode or local authority : DirectGov - LHA Rates

https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk

WantOutOfMyHouse · 08/10/2024 21:12

oviraptor21 · 07/10/2024 23:46

LHA calculator is here https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/

If ex is earning then he'll find it hard to get away with not paying child maintenance

Thank you,

he's self employed so will probably try to hrt out of paying.

OP posts:
WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/02/2025 13:41

Thought I'd update as I got alot of good advice form this thread.

"D"P still here after refusing to move out with a whole 6 long months left on the tennancy.

He has for the last few months refused to pay his half of the bills and rent, leaving me with around £200 a month after payday for me and my child, yet lots of ranting about man of the house etc etc. How this works without paying his way is a mystery.

I've asked him to leave so I can at least claim some UC to get a couple hundred towards the rent and some help with childcare but as his name is on the tennancy, and there's no DV thankfully, there is no way to get him out as he refuses to go.

Still coercive and will refuse to look after our child if I deny him sex. I absolutely can't afford to be fired from my job so no other choice. Really regret putting his name on the birth certificate because I can see him spiteful with custody after the split.

Hoping to recover his half of the unpaid rent in small claims court once the tennancy is over. And get some much needed therapy for my shattered mental health.

OP posts:
BruFord · 07/02/2025 14:19

So sorry to hear this, OP. 💐 Has he agreed to leave once the tenancy is up then?

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2025 14:24

WantOutOfMyHouse · 03/10/2024 15:07

thanks for your replies, it's a joint tennancy with no break clause. I was under the impression that I would need the landlords approval to break the agreement, and a court order if they didn't agree

You can leave a Tenancy early with the Landlords agreement BUT it would probably be necessary for the other person on the Tenancy to agree as well. A new agreement would be needed for the remaining person I think and they may have to pass affordability etc.
I appreciate your difficult situation but a Landlord has to act within the law and its not as simple as just taking 1 person off the agreement

WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/02/2025 15:15

BruFord · 07/02/2025 14:19

So sorry to hear this, OP. 💐 Has he agreed to leave once the tenancy is up then?

No, I'm planning to just give the landlord notice and move out once it's up.

OP posts:
WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/02/2025 15:16

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2025 14:24

You can leave a Tenancy early with the Landlords agreement BUT it would probably be necessary for the other person on the Tenancy to agree as well. A new agreement would be needed for the remaining person I think and they may have to pass affordability etc.
I appreciate your difficult situation but a Landlord has to act within the law and its not as simple as just taking 1 person off the agreement

I understand, he wouldn't agree to being taken off the tenancy so I'm just waiting until the tenancy is up. There are a lot of issues with the property anyway so would be moving out even if this wasn't an issue

OP posts:
BruFord · 07/02/2025 17:22

WantOutOfMyHouse · 07/02/2025 15:15

No, I'm planning to just give the landlord notice and move out once it's up.

Sounds like the best plan, @WantOutOfMyHouse.

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