Living apart together - what next?

[Shytalker]

Interested to get views. I’m a long time lone parent to one DD age 13, with a partner of 2.5 years. It’s a happy relationship and we’re both committed to each other.

No real buts, except I’m 52 and he’s 58, no issue with the age gap except we’re at different life stages and I’m wondering where we go with things. His kids are young adults (24 and 21) and the eldest has pretty much left home. His younger child is currently travelling and away, so he’s suddenly very much in the empty nest zone, able to spend his time freely with no childcare responsibilities. I, on the other hand, am in full on teen years with (probably) the worst to come! I get that he’s probably unwilling to go through it all second time round.

So, what do others do? Anyone in the same boat, with a bit of an age/life gap?

Right now, I don’t want us to live together, but I’d like to think that’s going to happen at some point. We’ve talked about it, but only lightly. It’s still early days but I want to grow old together and have him in my life.

What does he want - how does he see the future with you ?
kind of irrelevant to think about it just from your own point of view as he may be on a totally different planet regarding long term !

Fair point, Fidgety31. If I didn’t have my DD, I think he’d be looking to live together, maybe not now but in a year or two. That’s the point though, I’m not realistically going to be looking at that for around five years until DD is 18! - by then, I worry we’ll be too old, or too set in ways etc. It doesn’t seem to add up.

I'm in a similar situation. 12.5 year old son with additional needs, long distance partner of 3 years. I'm nearly 50, he's 54 with a long grown up son. I have sole care of my son and it's very full on. I am dreading the teen years more than I can say.

I am very happy in my relationship but there is absolutely no way I could have my partner move in whilst my son is a child. It would be a disaster. So we only spend maybe 4-6 nights a month together. We enjoy our time together so much but my son does find it difficult to have someone else stay in the house more often, and I can't travel to my partner very often due to child care.

We talk of buying a place together in years to come, I love the idea of us retiring together etc but it's so far off that I don't spend any time dwelling on plans. I am lucky in that my partner is happy with his part time relationship, he loves his independence and has a really busy social life. He is in no rush to change things. I worry sometimes that he might struggle more in future, ie in 6 years if my son is still living with me and there is no prospect of change. But I can't do anything about that.

I used to struggle with the idea of how we would progress, so did he I think - it's not the type of relationship either of us have had before. But I just enjoy it for what it is now, and focus on the months ahead rather than the years. I have noticed more and more couples in a similar set up, people are increasingly happy to live apart long term these days, especially at our age when the idea of needing to settle down to raise families is long gone. There is something very freeing about this stage of life.

Thanks for your reply Rockingbeebo. That’s interesting to hear, especially the bit about it maybe being more difficult in future, I worry about that too, especially if DD doesn’t leave home. We’ll be even older and have less time left! That’s how it feels I think - I just want to make the most of it all. Had a very unhappy marriage and now I’m happy, I want the whole bit, but I can’t. Focusing on the months ahead rather than the years is a good philosophy though.

I have a LAT situation for 4 years, his dd is 13 and stays slightly more with her mum, my dd is 10 with additional needs and stays more with me. Probably increasingly more as she gets older. So while the age gaps aren't big the situation is similar. We did actually try to blend 2 years ago but his dd began to have serious MH issues so we didn't. Now they're both preteens, it seems obvious it's not happening till it can happen if that makes sense? Either both moved out or one moved out but the other is OK with the other adult living there. Kinda looking at about 10 years or more down the line. We both would like to live together before we can't get a new mortgage 😂 but such is life. Right now we just make the most of the time we have. We go away for long weekends when we can. Do projects together. It's not been without its problems. Obviously. But now we've settled into it as the norm tbh