Looking for help for mixed race son. PLEASE

[sillysausage40]

Hello.
I'd love anyone to advise me. And I hope nobody would be cruel. I'd especially love help from mixed race / black people xxxxx

I am white. I have 2 older teen daughters who are white.
I have a 6 year old son who is mixed race.
I split from his dad due to domestic violence 3 years ago but dad has contact now every other weekend.

Tonight, my boy randomly said "mummy I'm the only black person in our home"
My heart crumbled that he feels this way especially so young.
Myself and my whole family adore and spoil him rotten and he is a happy happy boy.
But I understand this is a void I can't fill.
He has black friends at school. I also have black girlfriends so he is around black people.

I have learnt to cook Jamaican food which he adores. He prefers it to any food. He's got a Jamaican flag in his room I play lots of reggae music as I love it etc. . I take him to the black barbers every other week etc
But no matter what, I'm white.

I can't stop crying. I'm sobbing. Feel like I've totally failed him. What can I do? Is there even clubs or anything I can take him to be apart of ? Children friendly to have even more black people in his life. I'm open to anything.

Sorry if I've worded anything wrong or offended anyone xxx

Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong! You love your son and you left the relationship with his Dad (I assume) for very good reasons. I am a black mother to 2 mixed race children - my husband is white. My daughter is very comfortable with her mixed race identity; she's very close to both sets of grandparents and we stress to her that she is half mummy and half daddy - half white and half black; she doesn't have to pick a side or be fully one or the other. And we stress to her how great it is to be mixed race! Personally, that's how my husband and I both feel comfortable explaining it to her. I hope this is of some help x

Thankyou so much for your reply. It sounds like you have such a lovely balance & togetherness! I think my son feels "the odd one out" in my house :( that's the problem (only looks wise)
He is very dark skinned for a mixed race child.
Thankyou again xx

You sound like a wonderful loving Mum, OP. I’m sure you’ll be able to help DS get past this worry.

Do you know if any particular thing has made DS suddenly self-conscious about the colour difference? Maybe something you or your black friends could talk through with him? At that age I remember thinking different skin colour was like different hair colour — just an individual trait. The big thing is to go on ensuring he feels safe st home, regardless of colour.

I'm mixed race. Sadly, I think it is something many minority children go through- for example, realising you're the only person of colour in your school or friend group.

It feels sad to hear he feels this way at home. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things. As long as he knows he is loved and feels proud of his heritage and identity, and connected to a community that's the main things.

Maybe try to think of it the same as if he noticed he was the only boy in the house, or the only glasses wearer, the only person with freckles etc.

I think it becomes more problematic if children start hating their hair texture and skin colour, for example. Then there is risk of skin bleaching or risky behaviour "trying to fit in".

I used to hate having dark skin and frizzy hair as a child. I also had very thick glasses, acne, was incredibly tall and skinny. All of these made me feel self conscious and made me want to hide. Now I embrace these things. Do all you can (and keep doing what you're doing) to support his journey.

Thankyou for your help, advice and sharing your personal story. It helps me so much and your words are very wise I'll take it on board!
I suppose it's a learning journey for me aswel and we will learn together.
I've just ordered him lots of books for mixed race children for our bedtime stories.
Honestly, he is so so loved and he knows it. I know I'm his mum but I love his beautiful tight coils, his lovely skin, his big brown eyes I always look at him like I'm in love! I just want him to see himself how I see him! Thankyou everyone honestly xxx

He’s very much well loved. I think you read too much into this. He made an accurate description of the fact in your family and it is nothing wrong at all. It doesn’t mean he is not happy or missing anything. You can frame that it makes him has special powers from both cultures, for example.

Hi OP,

There is a podcast called Dope Black Dads that could give a bit of insight into identity and a sense of belonging. My cousin has a mixed-heritage child, and she found it helpful to hear about parenting and community from black fathers while trying to ensure that she respected both sides of her child's heritage.

It sounds like you're trying hard, you sound like a very engaged parent. Good luck!

@TheAryanMonarchreported, you vile human

Well he is mixed race not black, and so what he is the only one in the family, that makes him special. He is the only boy too, another thing to make him special.

And you know what? He might just be stating a fact that hasn't occurred to him before.

For a while I taught in a college where there were only a few white students. A particular teenage boy passed my classroom of female students and I swear half of them swooned.

Then I was asked, "Is it racist to say mixed race people are better looking". Which lead to an interesting discussion (it was supposed to be an IT lesson).

So it is quite possible your DS will cause half a class of female students to swoon.