How to get over feeling of resentment - DH behaviour

[Pcos24x]

My twins are 10 months old, it took years to conceive them through IVF. They are everything I ever wanted and bring me so much joy. I’m struggling however with how my husband behaved in the months that followed their birth.

I have been with him for 11 years. I would say everything was good in the relationship until the day the twins were born. I could see all over his face it wasn’t the instant magical love people describe, more like horror. No bond whatsoever and instant sadness at the loss of “old life”. In the first week of their life when they and I were still in hospital together he drank heavily at home (doesn’t normally drink much so out of character) was generally moody, nasty and unpleasant, and basically made the start of their life what was meant to be a happy time totally miserable. I was truly shocked by his behaviour, no one including myself would have expected it from him. What followed was a couple months of his constant extremely low moods, angry outbursts, he made the first few months of their life extremely difficult, sad and totally ignored the babies, I did absolutely everything for them. I did every night feed. I was exhausted. He basically checked out and did his own thing and said he had post natal depression (… I know it’s up for debate if men can really “get that”). I just took over everything for them. He would walk in a room and not even look at them. It just broke my heart.

I was in shock by the whole thing and gave him the benefit of doubt as really I felt too overwhelmed to make any big decisions then. He was honest about how depressed he felt and asked me to give him a chance to sort himself out. Which, I have to say for the most part he did. Things started looking up about 4/5 months in, he became a lot more interested in them as they developed personalities, he helped out more, and generally things have been fine since.

Even though things are good now and I can honestly say they are - I struggle with how to let go of the resentment I feel about how he acted in those first few months. It’s also broken that trust I had in his character. I just don’t know if I can move on from it. Equally I also think am I being harsh as he was struggling and has dealt with it. I suppose I’m just still angry about how he acted. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings, I feel like I can’t discuss it now as it would be harsh to punish him again so to speak. I just sit and think about it every day and it consumes me though. Can a relationship move on from this?

Personally it would take a lot for me to get over this

Either way you might need help letting go of your resentment

After a decade together he totally checked out at the moment you most needed him. Whatever his reasons, he let you down and it's completely understandable that you resent that.

Although things have improved now it doesn't sound to me as though the two of you have talked about this, the reasons behind it, the impact on you, how you feel and what needs to happen so that you can forge a trusting bond again. You need to do that don't you?

If you want to find a way to forgive him then couples counselling is probably your best bet.

My ex husband did the same when I had IVF twins ....he's an ex for a reason

I suppose a lot hinges on how he is now - is he helping out more than he was, or is he going above and beyond his 'share' to make up for missing out on those first few months with them? Is he making it up to you, is he supporting you physically and emotionally? Has he owned up fully to the fact he failed you and them? Has he put long term solutions in place to ensure it doesn't happen again?

I think I'd want couple's counselling to reflect on the impact of the transition to parenthood for you both and how this has changed your relationship too. You can't just forget how for whatever reason he let you down at your most vulnerable.

I wouldn't be able to get over such shocking behaviour.
One thing to be detached, but nasty, no.
I wouldn't get over that, nor would I want to forget it.

He absolutely let you down.
I would never trust him again.
He is not a good, kind, decent man.
He is a nasty abusive man who treated you really badly when you were at your most vulnerable.

I think you absolutely need to talk to someone professionally.
You should not feel the least bit bad for being appalled at his awful behaviour.
Why would you accept this?
You need to verbalise your rightful anger and get it out in a safe setting.
Do not internalise his failure to be a decent human being, husband, and father, when his children arrived.

You sound like an amazing woman.
Far too good for him, thats for sure.

Whatever you decide, you would manage without him.
He's really no prize and never will be.

Maybe he got caught up with the idea of ivf but never truly expected it to work and get actually babies....
Happened to a friend. Tried for a couple of cycles..All heartbreak for her... He was cheating all along. He never expected dc at all.
Has your dh acknowledged his failings or just taken the Wasn't His Fault attitude?

he helped out more

What does this mean - he's not meant to be 'helping out', he's meant to be parenting. I worry that you're accepting a really quite minimal effort from him because it compares favourably to the way he behaved before.

Does he feel guilty about how he behaved? Does he recognise that he has let you down? Whether or not men can get post-natal depression, whether or not he had post-natal depression, he should be able to recognise now that he left you to shoulder a massive burden alone.

I think couples counselling would help. I do believe it's possible to let go of resentments, but I think the only way is to acknowledge them and communicate how you feel.

Sounds like at the time you went into survival mode and so never got to really 'feel' the full force of what was happening. As things have improved, all those feelings have bubbled to the surface. You need to address them in order to properly move on.

I can see how utterly heartbreaking the whole episode must have been, but I'd say if it was very out of character and sincere efforts have been made to improve things, then it's worth trying to mend things. Although having mental health issues isn't a blanket excuse to be a selfish bastard, people who are having a mental crisis can lose perspective and essentially become very selfish as they become consumed by their emotions.

I think addressing your feelings, having your dh acknowledge your hurt and putting in place a future contingency plan should something similar happen in the future would go a long way to making things better for you. Good luck.

Counselling is essential here.

It's not something for you to feel guilty about. It does however sound like your grief and anger is being compounded by the uncertainty of whether you can broach the subject.

I am pleased things are on the up for you but, if you're wanting to stay with him, I would look at solo and also couples counselling. Solo so you can process how you feel and get the support you need to process his betrayal, and couples so you can raise it in a place where the issue is worked through, you get to speak about it and he can begin to see what he put you through.

You sound like a wonderful mother and there is no doubt he has let you down. People are fallible yes but it is not harsh wanting to revisit it. If you do not address these rightful feelings of resentment, the pain and anger will only fester and get worse over time.

Has he ever apologised or tried to make amends for his behaviour then? Or has it just been brushed under the carpet and you're too afraid of him reverting to bring it up?

I’m sorry OP this must have been a really difficult situation to cope with, you must be superwoman!

I agree with others suggesting couples counselling may be useful for you both to move past this properly and understand the whole situation a bit more from both perspectives. I don’t think anything can truly prepare you for the impact a baby has on your life, even before they are born, and some people cope better than others with this absolutely. Whether you want to understand (if there is truly something to understand), forgive and move past this though is your choice

He's just showed you that when you really need him, he checks out. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, sorry.

I think you need couples counseling because it can not continue to be on your mind. He basically left you to fend for yourself and two newborns for months. I'm sure you have you have some residual resentment.

My ex did the same. Took over a decade to have our child and the first several months left wounds so deep I never trusted him again in any way. He let me down and he let our child down, and it was all resentment on his side as I'd dared be life threateningly unwell after childbirth injuries 🙄

A friend did the same to his wife, but it turned out it was the 'oh shit!' moment they were born that it was all too real and he realised that yes, he wanted kids, but he didn't want to have them with 'her' and half assumed it would never happen. But then it did.

Some men go really weird after the baby is born for whatever reason. Only your partner knows the true reason why he did.

I sympathise, OP. I went through similar a few years back. Unfortunately, our relationship didn't recover, but DC and I are so much happier for it. Ex still sees DC but is unorganised and generally incompetent at parenting. Could you consider a third party to work through your feelings independently of the relationship?

Infertility and IVF can have extremely significant psychological impacts on either partner, and it's common for those impacts to rise to the surface after the birth of a much wanted child (that's what we were told in IVF counselling).

If it was all deeply out of character, I agree with others, go to couples counselling, and do your best to really hear his explanation, rather than focus on your feelings in that time. If his explanation makes sense to you the resentment may be overcome-able.

Good luck OP, what horrible shock.

He can claim to be depressed but post natal depression is caused by hormones and the stuff our bodies have gone through giving birth - unless he gave birth he does not have post natal depression. Saying stuff like that makes him sound like a man child who is making the ordeal you went through about him, you went through IVF, through child birth and yet the situation is all about him and his feelings. Did he ever ask how you were feeling or coping? Do you generally look after him and his well being ahead of your own? I have anger at my partner for not stepping up enough when I had given birth but that is a whole other level. Men like that make me want to join a convent!

I think go to counselling but if you can’t get past it that is perfectly understandable - I don’t think I would.

My youngest is 9. Split with ex 3 years this Xmas. I never ever got over him refusing to rub my back and give me a kiss during labour /after. I still haven't forgot it and the kids also know as the resentment built and it set a pattern to the rest if the marriage. He was OK when we had our first child.

Wow! There’s no sympathy for parents with PND here.

OP you were terribly disappointed in what should have been your happiest moment, but he had no control over depression striking at that moment.

You said it was out of character and he is becoming the father you want him to be. Put it down to a period of poor mental health and move forward with the help of counselling.

It doesn’t sound like he’s a bad man.

Why would you tell your children?

the difference is that mums with PND still care for their children. They might resent it and struggle but they do it. They don’t just check out and go off drinking.

has he ever apologised or acknowledged what a douche he was? If not then I wouldn’t stay with him.

Not all of them. Some check out. Some murder their babies. It affects different people differently.