Dating as a single mum

[Erlouise]

Hi ladies

I’ve been a single parent for around a year and I thought it would be a good time to start dating.
ive found that men aren’t overly fussed about me being a single mum, however I have found that they fine with only seeing me once a week (when I done have my little one) until they get stronger feelings and then they want to see me more and I can’t give that.

a lot of people had said to me to date and get back out there but how I feel now is that I really don’t want to give someone my time. On my days when I’m away from my DD I want to have that time for me, walks, coffee, shopping, hair, nails etc.

im young im 27 and I feel I have a lifetime to find someone. The men I’ve dated so far have all been great candidates but I’ve had no initial attraction or spark once meeting in person.

ive deleted my dating apps and I’ve explained to the one guy ivr been dating that I just feel it’s not the right time for me.

my friends and family are telling me I’m crazy and that I’m losing time and good suitable men . However I just feel that I am more at peace on my own. Yes I do miss dating and affection etc at times but for the most part I feel that I want to spend time with my little one and I don’t want to give someone any more than the bare minimum time as I don’t want to lose that time with my DD. Which I know is selfish.

I guess I just wanted to get others take on this situation and ask how long people waited to date and whether you settled for less because you are a single parent as this is what people tell me to do a lot?

sadly I don’t have any family members or friends who are single parents or gone through any of this dating lark in recent years….

tia from one confused single mummy x

I don’t think there is a right way or a wrong way to do it to be honest! 2 of my friends are single mum’s, 1 of them is now in a new relationship with a lovely man who she sort of met by accident and a friendship has grown into a relationship which I do think is probably the easier way to integrate someone into your life (although more difficult to find than a dating app), my other friend is similar to you and really values the one night of peace she gets each week when her ex has their child and doesn’t want to spend that night “getting to know” someone new that may go nowhere, she’s happy to just wait like you are and hope either fate intervenes or when she has more free time in years to come she’ll focus more on looking.

I’m not a single mum I’m married but I have to say if I was to become single now and had one day/night a week off from my daughter the last thing I’d want to do is spend it getting dressed up to go put on my best self, getting to know someone new! I think I’d far rather have a hot coffee, spend the day walking/shopping without a pram/having a nice lunch/cleaning the house and either spend the evening with my friends or on my sofa with a takeaway😂

I think how you feel is perfectly normal, and I felt the exact same way. Being separated was like a breath of fresh air, while I missed my DC when they went to their fathers, I loved being in my home on my own, working to my own schedule, catching up with jobs and sleep! It was bliss after being so unhappy.

I had a few FWB in the early days but I didn't want anything more than some fun and very casual dating.

I've been separated for 10years, I've had relationships of 3years and 2.5years that never involved my DC, or my home life. I gave as much as I wanted and made it clear what my limitations were, it's works for me and I've maintained my independence and personal space.

Family and friends always comment how I 'deserve to be with a good man'... drives me crazy and truth is, no matter how good the man, he'll never be as good as my own time, independence and peace feels. Maybe when I'm older my mind will change, but I'm not concerning myself with that right now at all. I'll know if I ever find that person.

Enjoy your peace, freedom and downtime, and don't be worried about anyone's expectations of what you should be doing with your dating life.

It isn't selfish to prioritise what makes you happy and that doesn't have to be a man. I have been single for 7 years and am truly content. I want to spend my time with my DC, my family and doing things that please me. In a relationship you have to compromise and consider another person and I have spent enough of my life doing that, and from what I remember I'm not sure what people think we're missing out on. If my feelings change as DC get older I'll address it then but I refuse to put up with something I don't want now in case I want it later.

Stop listening to your friends trying to push you before you’re ready.

You're young. You’re a mum. You’ve only been single a year. Embrace your me time. Take time to get to know what you want from life and don’t rush into a relationship. Being single can be so liberating - embrace it and when you’re ready you’ll feel very differently to how you do now.

If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. Do what’s right for you.

However I just feel that I am more at peace on my own. Yes I do miss dating and affection etc at times but for the most part I feel that I want to spend time with my little one and I don’t want to give someone any more than the bare minimum time as I don’t want to lose that time with my DD. Which I know is selfish.

How is it selfish? Because you're not running round with googly eyes about some bloke and propping up his ego and washing his socks because that's what women are for?

If you're not wanting a relationship right now, that's not selfish or weird.

There's more to life than having to have a man in it. Sure it's great when you find a nice one, but there's a lot of frogs - and focusing on your child and friends and family is good thing.

Don't be socially pressured into dating because other people think it's what you should want.

I'm in the same space as you OP other than the lifetime to find someone (I'm older). I honestly do not want to spend my precious free time dating, even the thought of it makes me anxious. I'm not lonely or unhappy so why would I look to change it?

I do miss sex but not enough to go online dating. I'm at peace and could happily live out my days walking the dog, coffees, wine with friends and never have another relationship with a man.

Stop listening to others and look inwards. If you are happy and content then now isn't the right time.

If anything you are being UNselfish. You and your child were let down by a man literally months ago. Of course you should be prioritizing her and not your love life.

I get where you're coming from. When ExH left for the OW, I really wasn't fussed about having another man in my life.

I met DP (of 11yrs) on OLD, purely as a fortnightly bit of fun when the kids were with their dad. I didn't want a man in my life and certainly didn't need one. I told him this repeatedly, and he accepted the 'terms'.

And then, accidently (ExH dropped the three kids back three hrs earlier than agreed), they met my now DP. He was so amazing with them and they seemed to enjoy his company, and suddenly, for me, it felt like it wasn't a choice between having a relationship and having my children - if that makes sense. After that, he spent more time with the kids (as I no longer restricted meeting him to when the kids were away), and the rest is history.

Obvs ExH was furious and remarked to a friend 'who'd want her, she's got three children'? 😂(irony not his strong point).

And now, we go for walks together and I still go shopping and go to the salon.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can still be an amazing mum and have a happy relationship.

Good luck OP!

I wanted to date but didn’t want to eat into my time with DC or my friends. I’ve done this by finding someone who is more busy with their DC than I am. It’s hard at times as I miss him but on the whole I feel I have the best of all world. However, only do that when you are ready. I’m quite a bit older than you so maybe less likely to find that situation at your age.