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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling guilty after losing my mum – was our tension my fault?

3 replies

DeftGuide · 02/10/2024 15:23

I lost my mum a few weeks ago, and I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt over how things were between us in the last few years. Our relationship had its ups and downs, especially after she didn’t get along with my ex. There was always this tension, like she was jealous or uncomfortable about how close I was with my ex, but she never really came out and said it.
There was also something else that’s been weighing heavily on me. A couple of years ago, we were at a family gathering, and we both had a bit too much to drink. At one point, she kissed me on the lips – it was quick and awkward, and we both brushed it off at the time. But after that, things felt different. She started making these weird, offhand comments about my body, even mentioning my penis a few times in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable. I never knew how to address it, and it just added to the distance between us.
Now that she’s gone, I feel like I should’ve done more to talk about it or at least try to understand what was going on with her. I feel guilty that I never confronted it, but also guilty for the tension that just seemed to grow between us. I miss her, but I can’t shake this feeling that I failed her in some way. Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you even begin to deal with this kind of guilt?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/10/2024 15:24

So you think she sexually abused you.
You shouldn't feel guilty.

DeftGuide · 02/10/2024 15:28

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2024 15:24

So you think she sexually abused you.
You shouldn't feel guilty.

No, I don’t think it was abuse. It’s not that simple. The truth is, I was 18, and I initiated it. We were both drunk, and I made the first move. It wasn’t something that went any further, but I’ve never really known how to process it. I guess that’s why I feel so guilty – because I was the one who started it, and after that, things were never the same between us. It created this weird tension that we never talked about, and now I’ll never get the chance to. That’s the part that’s eating away at me the most.

She'd often say things like, how could she could give me ‘good… well, you know what,’ and even made a comment once about circumcision that was just so uncomfortable.

There was also this time she threw out everything my ex had bought me in a fit of rage. It’s hard to explain, but all of that contributed to the tension between us. I feel guilty because I never confronted it, and after I started that awkward moment when I was 18, it felt like we just kept drifting apart. Now that she’s gone, I’m left with all this unresolved stuff, and I don’t know how to deal with it

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/10/2024 15:52

So you're 20 and sexually abused your mum. Wow.

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