Finding Love in your 40s???

[Anon3837]

Is it even possible to find love again in your 40s. Someone that accepts me for me and my children who have additional needs?

The thought of dating again is terrifying.

Married, we are friends, best friends, nothing more. He’s ok with it, Im not sure I can continue like this. He’s a good man, I don’t want to hurt him.

Anything is possible if you’re open to it 😀

Have you told him you’re considering ending the marriage because you need romance in your life and he isn’t providing that? If you were able to get some romance back, would you feel attracted to him? What exactly is it you want? It would certainly be good if you could reignite your marriage than to start from scratch. If your relationship is otherwise good, it would also be good for your children if you could rekindle the old flame. Has there been any change in your husbands sex drive? If so, what age is he? He could need testosterone replacement therapy depending on his age. Or is it something else? We’d really need more information before being able to advise.

To simply answer your question, yes it is possible but there are also a lot of creeps and weirdos out there. A lot of married men are also on dating apps pretending to be single too. It’s a jungle out there.

The grass isn’t always greener and your post is kind of giving that impression.’ He’s a nice man and my best friend’
but there’s no spark sort of feeling to it?
Are you attracted to him OP? Has someone changed, you say you are best friends and he’s a good man. Is that really something to throw away, your family unit and marriage for fireworks?

People will come on here and tell you you only live once but the reality is yes it can be hard to find that with kids and your age and the time restraints for a new dating life and having kids/work etc.

There is a huge chance you could leave and not find what you think it is that you want and then have the guilt on top of euphoric recall of times that seem boring now but the simple pleasures you may miss in the near future if you don’t find what it is you are picturing is out there.

My family unit broke down for issues that weren’t fixable and I would of done anything for a situation where my ex was my best friend a good man to be able to see my children everyday and to have not disrupted their lives the way it is now.

If you have kids with him been together a long time, the everyday mundane that happens with the struggles I imagine children that also have additional needs on top, I can imagine it’s hard to keep the fun side going with date nights and exploring new interests that keep a relationship from feeling like it is just companionship without the fresh air of anything new or novelty being brought into it.

I will be real with you every single mum I know and I know one that has children with special needs. She is stunning and successful and can’t find a man that wants to be part of her life. She keeps trying to reconnect with her ex husband as it didn’t work out the way she wanted.

On a biological level I don’t believe men want to invest in children that aren’t there’s and it’s not normally seen as a plus for when you are out there dating but something a man will accept but not be thrilled to the core about and that’s just being real with you.

I don’t think you should split up your family and marriage without trying first. That’s a lot to throw away and by reading many threads on here there are so many women with men who can’t say they are a good man or their best friend. You could be disappointed or sure maybe find a guy who sweeps you off your feet but I wouldn’t take the chances.

Of course it’s possible OP but just be aware it’s like rummaging around in a very deep muddy filthy swamp trying to find a diamond the size of a grain of rice

And mostly 20+ years older trying their luck

This is depressing as hell!

im just so sad with the way things are though.
I also received a message from an anonymous sender, quite a while ago now, asking why I’m staying with H, that he’s gay and the marriage is over and has been for a long time…

That’s something worth mentioning.

So you received a message from someone that he’s gay?

If you are unsure the best way to find out is to try sign up to the most common gay apps and if it says email address already in use you will know for sure..

My hairdresser is gay and sees many married men they go on Grinder for hook ups it’s sad.

Is he easy going or is there a chance that could of been someone throwing a spanner in the works?

Bit of a drip feed

@thiscantbemylife : your suggestion (about signing up to sites) is so simple but clever

OP: it is possible to find love again but it’s much more complicated than ‘pre-child’ relationships, and the ‘unit’ is the parents and their own DC, not the couple, which is ‘right’ but not very romantic

My observation is that splitting up a family with kids to start anew with a different partner is just exchanging one set of problems for another- and with less money to run 2 households:(

I agree men don’t invest in children who are not their own

Try to see if your situation can be improved: if you genuinely believe your DH is gay then that might be your deal breaker (it certainly would be for me)

If I enter email address and password though and it goes through, he’ll get an email notifying? Or doesn’t state email in use before you even tab down to ended a password when registering?

I don’t think gay, maybe Asexual. It’s a very odd message though. Who would send that and why if no reason behind it.

We are close, hug, no kissing or sex and that has been for over past 10 years. I don’t see him like that anymore and know it will never happen in the future, even if we work on things. I don’t want that. Our general friendship is great though

Please don't feel like you have nothing to look forward to. I'm 40, single, live alone and I'm happy.

I could not imagine a man coming to live with me in the circumstances you describe. It would suck the joy out of everything.

I'm sure I'll meet someone at some point. Someone sparkly always tips up when you aren't expecting it. But in the meantime, having the whole bed to myself, doing whatever I feel like around the house, having no one around to hassle me or question me, and just generally being lord of my own life is wonderful.

Who would send it? Someone who knows he is gay? Cannot imagine anyone just randomly saying that about someone unless they knew something about them. He's possibly been on gay sites and someone on there has got back to you.

Regardless of whether he is gay or not, you are now only co-existing as good friends so his sexuality is now largely irrelevant. I doubt you would hurt him by wanting to leave a relationship that no longer exists. You can remain what you are now, friends. That you want more than this with someone else is perfectly reasonable.

Have you talked to him about the message?

Perhaps he is gay, or might be, it would make sense in regards to your lack of intimacy.

Say he is. You could build a more unconventional household where you can both look for romantic pleasure elsewhere and live as co-parents and friends, at least until you work out what to do.

It doesn't sound like you would need any potential relationship to become a step parent, your children have a good man as a dad.

As for finding love in your 40s, with children likely involved on both sides, possible of course, but an integrated partnership, living together, it will take a long time.

I would deal with the relationship you have first. How is that going to work moving forward? You are still married. You live and parent together. Your H is fine with how things are. How will the kids react to a change in circumstances, if you choose to have separate households can you fund that. Will you both be able to juggle childcare and work, would you both want 50/50 with the kids.

All this needs sorting out before you can even attempt to consider bringing someone else into your life because otherwise you wouldn't know what you would be bringing them into.

If your original post was asking if you could meet a man who falls so passionately in love with you that you could easily move you and your kids into his life and home, then no that only happens in movies, but just meeting someone who you have a spark with. Yes that's possible.

I'm in a similar situation OP. Very low at being in relationship with no sex or intimacy, but is it worth throwing away the family unit for when we get on well? I don't want to be single; I want to be with someone I fancy and love romantically. I am tying myself up in knots. Wish I'd broken up with him years ago as it only gets harder.

Sometimes the love you need to fìnd is love for yoyourself.

I always find it rather telling when people in unhappy relationships jump to 'what if I never find love' as a first question. It suggests they are likely in relationships for all the wrong reasons to begin with. That they aren't and perhaps, have never been happy with themselves.

Can you sit with yourself? Are you happy in your own company? If not, why not?

For example, I was reading a book about meditation lately and the writer says when he first started, he realised he didn't like himself. He couldn't sit quietly without the voice in his head criticising him and his life choices.

This reminds me of that sort of thing. That somewhere along the line...you lost track of that self love.

Now I'm not saying 'what's wrong with being single?!' (Though, nothing). I'm just pointing out, you're skipping huge steps between 'how do I get out of this relationship?' And 'what if I never meet the right man when I leave?'. There's a whole journey invetween those things. Or, should be. So why are you worrying about running before you can walk?

Focus on getting out of this relationship and exploring yourself, not just finding but exploring. Learning what makes you happy outwith men and relationships. Considering your needs. Then once you are happy in yourself, and only then, consider adding some added spice to your already full life in the form of a man. And if it doesn't work out, you won't care much, because you know you yourself are enough.

But for now, get out of this 'relationship' and find yourself again.

If he is parenting your children equally, and especially with a child with additional needs, I think I'd probably stick it out til the kids are independent and find an outlet in a discreet fuck buddy. (But only if you know you're not one of those people who fall in love after a half-decent shag)

Ignoring the gay message, I would say stay. I broke apart my family because my exh became my friend and nothing more. I believed the grass was greener, believed I could have something special with someone who had previously been a close friend. That relationship failed. My children have now lost their dad and a man that was a part of their life for several years. For what? We don’t have financial stability and our world remains wobbly. Embrace the financial stability and safety your husband provides. Your children are secure and living with mum & dad. It’s so much harder than you think to break the unit apart and reform with someone else, and as I have found out, it doesn’t always work out as you would have liked. Please try to stay, focus on his good points, don’t get burdened by smaller issues.

You can be happy single as long as you have a good friendship group and put effort into a social life.
But new relationship forget it. No chance. Men are single in their 40s and 50s for a reason..even the hideous ones want women 10 years younger.

If he is gay, and a good father and friend, sounds like you have the opportunity to both have your cake and eat it - if you can both agree to keep the family unit together but have discreet fun on the side. As long as you are honest with each other (without details!!) As a single mom i'd never introduce a new guy to my kids home, but occasional fun outside the house is one of the very few perks. If you can have the upsides of living with the kids father, having a good friend, him being a good parent and occasional fireworks outside the home, win-win.