Will I regret leaving my husband?

[Bakingmomma101]

I’m not sure if you can click back to my previous post regarding the break down of my relationship but I’ll post it at the end of this if not:

but anyway, my husband , I feel, has definitely changed his ways … he’s been sober for 5 months now since me finding out about his cheating, drugs and alcohol . Numerous times cheating during our 7 years, even when I was pregnant etc, week before we got married, just after our honey moon etc , apparently never more than kissing BUT there was a fright for me when I unfortunately got a text from doctors post getting a coil fitted a couple of months after my second baby saying I had Chlym……. Which I was distraught about but my husband at the time said he had definitely been checked before we got together so it must have laid dormant in me for all them years. I did discover since that he did sleep with someone at the very beginning of our 7 year relationship but said they used a condom. But he can’t remember the rest of the cheating as he was too drunk / on drugs but that it defo never went further than kissing.

anyway he horribly regrets all this and said he never told me as he didn’t want to ruin what we had … but he won’t ever do it again.

also his family have turned on me and I’ve received messages off his sister saying ‘the sooner you eff off out of our lives the better’ etc and his mum and sister have blocked me?! Even though I’m still his wife and we have two young children. This is all because I was taking too long to decide what to do with the marriage and putting him through it too much.

we are currently really amicable but have agreed on a divorce as it’s the best way forward. But I still don’t feel 10000% sure as I loved him so much . My boys adore him and he’s fantastic as their daddy. He says he wishes he could make it work but if I can’t forgive then there’s no way to move forward. X

The previous post:

Bakingmomma101 · 24/08/2024 22:19
I am married to the love of my life we have 2 babies and we have been together 7 years (married for 2)
Recently it’s come to light that despite lots of denial and lies, he has cheated for the whole of our relationship (KISSING random girls on nights out when absolutely steaming drunk - nothing more than kissing)…. I know of around 7 instances (thanks to some honest people finally coming forward. There is evidence, texts, photos , videos)
Obviously this is heartbreaking. I knew of only one instance which was a year ago when I was 6 months pregnant with our second hut chose to move on obvs because was just about to welcome a new baby! All the instances have occurred during special moments when we have been so happy (close to our wedding, big birthdays , pregnancy etc)
HOWEVER he says he just cannot remember at all what he does when he is drunk and it’s not that he wants to cheat as he loves me and our children so much. He wants our marriage to work. He can’t see his future with anyone but me. We have always been so happy and in love so I’m totally blindsided.
wtf do I do? This man is the love of my life but my feelings have totally changed at the moment as I’m so hurt, but can it be fixed?
he’s completely stopped drinking (since the day I found out, so coming up 4 months now) and we have tried couples therapy too. Also he is a fantastic dad, like seriously. It’s been 4 months of ups and downs and me being totally unsure of our next step, he is still here trying to fix it …. Surely that’s a good thing? Am I being crazy to consider staying?
if you think you know me locally then pls no you do not - wish to be totally anon * xox

This man has cheated on you from the very beginning of your relationship and excuses it with drinking. I am not sure why you would still love him. He has no respect for you.

You can of course choose to stay with him, but be aware you will be choosing to allow him to cheat on you for the rest of time, And potentially infect you again.

Please think about why your self respect is so low that you would consider this for even a second.

I can't think of any sensible reason you didn't bin him off when you first found out he had been cheating on you for your entire marriage including a week before marriage and when you were pregnant. He will never change. Bin him off and find a decent person who wants to commit to you and only you.

My brain plays tricks reminding me of all the good times and everything we have built together. We have such a lovely home and we have been like best friends even glimpses of it now he still makes me laugh but I know I’m worth more. Equally; I wonder if I’m being selfish messing my two boys life up by leaving their dad who they adore !!!!

I know you’re right.
he probably wouldn’t have stopped had I not found out…
I just wonder if he will be perfect for the next person now he is sober? Wish he could’ve done that for me and our beautiful family x

The memories are all a lie though aren't they. That was your whole life but only part of his. He had a whole other life.

Your boys should not be raised in a household where their Dad doesn't respect their Mum. If you can co-parent together nicely that will be better for them.

He can still be a great dad.

It is an unfortunate fact of life that people can change when they split up and he could even be clean and sober from now on, but that doesn't mean your relationship will work.

Agree with all of this. He lied and cheated, repeatedly, for seven long years. It's not as if after the first time it completely shocked him and he gave up the booze then and told you the truth. He waited to be found out. The trust is completely gone now isn't it? I don't think you can peddle back from seven years of lies or from the fact that he's sullied so many good memories with his deceit.

If you are divorcing amicably then that's best for the children, stay firm regardless of what his family are doing/saying. If they can't understand why you are divorcing - or the fact that you needed time to make your decision - then they're not people you really need to be associating with right now anyway.

Onwards and upwards OP, it's sad that he's not the man you thought he was, but it doesn't mean there can't be a better future for you and your boys.

Tell him after your divorce he should still stay sober to be a good Dad to you DC.

I remember thinking exactly what you are, what if he's great for the next person... I took him back and guess what, he was exactly the same for the next 5 years and still the same now three years after separating. I so wish I stayed away. All I'll say is if you feel you must...(you're mad) give him one chance only and hold firm on leaving if he cheats again. And do know he shagged someone and gave you chlamydia, which fine he knows. Be completely honest with yourself before going back into this and really open your eyes to what you're accepting. If you can live with that, fair play...I couldn't.

He isn't going to change, he's sober right now out of desperation but anyone who repeatedly cheated on you because they were black out drunk what have stopped drinking years ago out of respect for you. The fact he did this all around big family events makes me wonder if he's actually not felt 100% committed and cheating helped him feel in control.
Being physically present is the bare minimum so no I wouldn't see that as a good sign. What I see as a really bad sign is that he's playing the poor me card to his family and allowing them to berate you and pretending you are the villain when he literally fucking cheated and disrespected you. That's absolutely outrageous. The relationship will never be the same as it was. Move on.