This time i've really had enough

[KathH]

Just need to let off steam really. DH & I had massive row last nite. When i say row, he shouted at me for a couple of hrs while i tried to bite my tongue in case i said something i regretted. We have 4 kids - 12, 8, 6 and 14 wks who heard most of the row. Amongst his rants were that i should get off my fat a**e and get back to work (am currently on maternity leave) as i was not contributing anything towards bills apart from maternity pay, that i was a slapper, was the youngest baby his? and then to top it off i had the fact that i had an abortion when i was 17 (was in a 2yr relationship at the time and this was back in 1989) and was a baby murderer. can cope with most of what was shouted at me but thought the last bit was very spiteful and am not sure if i can forgive or that i want to. 12yr old daughter got hysterical at thought of us splitting up but not sure if i want to stay in marriage like this as don't think it's good for kids. He also shouted at least 5 times that he wished i was dead. Seriously thinking of taking kids and going to mums. He did apologise later and seemed to think that makes everything ok.

not sure of what to say here hon, my heart oges out to you really, sending u lots of cycber hugs and support thou ((((((hugs))))))).

Sorry no advice to offer but I am sure somebody will be able to offer good advice sonn. Just wanted to send you hugs. All the best x

Oh Kath, what a nightmare! IMO the things he said are going to take more than a little "sorry" to get over, although in time, you will probably be able to forgive him. Is he usually like this?

yes - when's he had a drink i usually can guess what's coming next although he's never thrown the abortion at me before.

Can I be really honest and say what I'd do if it were me?

KathH, god what a nightmare night for you. Can't sympathise enough for the horrible things he said to you, just not fair to throw things back in your face about decisions you made at 17. God, as if you probably don't feel bad enough about it all anyway......

Maybe a break from the situation would do you all some good? How about telling the kids that you are going on a holiday to nanny's for a week or so and that daddy can't come becuase of work? The 12 yr old would probably appreciate being told more of the truth (you and dad just need a break from each other for a while but it isn't a permanant split)and it will be easier to manage long term.

You should never have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse, let alone being told he wished you were dead. Maybe going away for a bit will make him realise he can't treat you like that and then just say sorry.

Hope that helps.

Oh Kath sorry to hear this he sound like the father of my child, dragging the past up for ammo. I'm sorry but I'd leave, you and your kids shouldn't have to put up with that. hope everything works out for you.

just wanted to say thanks for messages - am going to try and talk to my mum later on today.

you have 4 children and are on maternity leave!!!! looking after 4 children is a full-time job really isn't it...there is a lot of housework and organising afetr school activities and the emotional needs to consider..I'm not surprised you feel upset...men always assume that because we don't earn at least £20,000 a year and pay the bills we are not contributing..you sound like you are a fab mother 4 children (not many people can do that job)..can you two have an evening out together and talk about this as it is obviously bothering both of you...I understand how you feel the money and not contributing thing, it eats away at your self-esteem doesn't it (my dh says the same to me and it's not good to put someone down so)...have to go to work now so can't say much more but could you get some time alone together to talk, could your parents//his parents mind the children for you??

Hi Kath sorry to hear your story.
Has he ever gone off on one like this before? & i don't mean to pry, but i know that money can be tight when there's only one salary coming in. But that gives him no right to speak to you like that!
Maybe he's feeling left out with the new baby.
Somethings obviously been building in his head & hes acted like a prick.
Shame he did it in front of your DD, as she probably won't have much respect for him after this.
Me & DH just got over a bad arguement, involving, kids & money.
I now work 3 days a week in office since having DS, used to be sales rep, earning triple pay. Now bring home less & pay for childminder, which was both our descision. He wants me to go back full time, but i like having my time with DH on Thurs/Fri. Kept reminding me that he pays all the bills! Had a good sort out now though.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

If you are all stressed and tired with the new baby could that be making it worse? People can be so mean when they don't get enough sleep. Men especially can be really dense when it comes to realizing that they could be breaking something very precious to them.

I would make sure that he knows how you feel, write it down in a letter (you dont have to give it to him), wait for a couple of days and read what you wrote. If you feel the same way take him out of the house away from the kids and booze (difficult when you have a baby I know), and tell him/let him read it.

Letters work so long as you write the right things. My mum and dad used to row so much when dad had drink taken - I can still remember some of the rows they had when I was five and the ones that I used to go in and beg them to stop at each other. TBH it still affects me at times now and I wouldn't care to mention how long ago that was so unfortunately it will affect the kids.

Is he an alcoholic or just a drinker - it doesn't matter really alcohol brings out the worst in some people.

Agree with mishmash, your children most likely will be affected by his abuse of you, so try and stay with your mum for a bit, and only return when he can manage to treat you with more respect. My mum put up with a lot of crap from my dad (in drink) and I'm sad to say it did really upset my brother and myself, and I remember the awful swearing and violence very clearly 30 years down the line.........

spoke to mum - me & kids are going to stay with her for few days and see what happens. She said if it was a money issue she could lend us couple of grand till i go back to work. just want to thank u all again for time & trouble you've taken leaving messages.

well, we had a long chat and sort of sorted things out. Baby although gorgeous has reflux - which i know doesn't sound much - and dh hadn't realised how much hard work it was and also the fact that i was starting to get seriously stressed by it. i also admitted to him that was feeling down/depressed and was a bit concerned that i had PND. To be honest, baby wasn't planned and although really loved i think we are having trouble adjusting to life with a baby again. The next youngest is 6 so a bit out of practice! He was really sympathetic, he thought i hated him, and he's coming with me to the drs this work. Mum's lent us some money to help us out and he did agree that he'd acted like a w**r. So we shall see.