Feels like friend is using me…

[AutumnalRed]

I’ve known my friend since we were in our early 20s… so for 25 years. I’d call her a close friend and when we meet, we get on brilliantly.

She moved away from my city more than 10 years ago so we don’t get to see each other often. However she has work clients in my city, so she occasionally needs to stay overnight. She sometimes stays with her parents, sometimes with me.

Lately I’ve noticed she only really contacts me when she has work near my house and would like to stay over. So I’ll get a message… ‘Hi… how are you blah blah, going to be working near you and would love to see you. Can I stay?’

I always say yes because I love seeing her and I don’t mind helping her either. But then I think it would be nice to hear from her at other times too, just for the sake of it, or to meet up for a coffee if she’s staying with her parents and that doesn’t happen. I contact her just to say hi but it definitely feels one-sided.

Anyway, a few weeks ago she asked if she could stay and I said no because I had a lot on my plate. My dad was really unwell and I was going back and forth, and my sister was waiting for scary biopsy results and I was really unsettled. She was fine about it and said all the right things… but since then radio silence and I just feel really sad she hasn’t asked after my dad, who I’m really close to and was very poorly, or my sister, who I was so worried about. They’re both OK now but she doesn’t know that!

She has faced stuff over the years, and I’ve always supported her, sending caring messages, ringing, and so on. I feel hurt.

I can see how this reads but then I know that when we are together, she’s incredibly warm and caring, and I enjoy being around her. Seems like she’s one of those out of sight, out of mind people…

Unfortunately some people really are out of sight, out of mind. It sounds like she takes you for granted, has got used to you always being on hand but doesn't give much thought to you otherwise. Harsh but are you willing to keep working on a one-sided friendship?

I recently broke up with my 'best friend ' for similar reasons. She was a regular visitor in the single years, then got remarried. Contact dwindled, not unexpected but it was me doing all the running, inviting, organizing. She was friendly when I saw her but I was providing a 'service' to her. Nothing in return.

Perhaps back off and see what happens? If it's tumbleweed you have to think about whether the friendship is sustainable. I had built up a lot of resentment and there were some incidents that showed a lack of respect. I wasn't willing to be taken for granted anymore.

She is fond of you and you clearly are of use to her, but she really isn't that bothered otherwise.
I bet if you were to say it doesn't suit again you will not hear from her.
She is someone who suits herself.
You have history but thats about it.
Suit yourself too.

She still feels affection and enjoys your company but it’s on her terms, OP.
If you are expecting a supportive friendship which works both ways, forget it. I’m sure she enjoys seeing you when she stays but she’s also now using you.
The fact that you said no and her reaction speaks volumes.
Some people sadly are users. They are not horrible or mean in a traditional sense, but they put their own needs first and see who can meet them.
It is very sad when you have been friends so long but it’s not uncommon and it’s awful it’s left you feeling upset.
You deserve a supportive friend who at least asks how things in your life are going.

Thanks all. Yes, I understand what you are saying. But I don’t want to believe it. We have been friends such a long time and I enjoy her company and conversation so much.

The thought of ‘breaking up’ and losing that is really painful! so I’m wondering if it’s better to accept her as she is and lower my expectations. I am conscious of feeling quite bitter about it and it just leaves me feeling a bit rubbish. On the other hand, not sure what I would get out of cutting ties either…

Just accept the friendship for what it is.
See her from time to time as and when it suits you.

It’s hard when people aren’t there for you the way you might have hoped.
I would distance and keep up the radio silence. It’s what I have started to do to people.

Do you message her in between the visits?

Feeling bitter isn't great though. I ended up with so much resentment in my case I had to walk away from the 'friendship' to stop feeling that way.

I did try to even things up but she wasn't having it and I ended up with a load of ridiculous excuses. I think she was happy for me to serve her, didn't want to put herself out in return. You can't make someone care about you the way you need.

Do you think you could talk to her about it? Would it make any difference? You think she's using you for accommodation, do you think you'll even hear from her otherwise?

Hmm, some people meet up periodically and don’t really speak in between. I have plenty of friendships like that, particularly long-standing and long-distance ones.

Then every few months one will instigate a meet up and we’ll have a lovely time.

Maybe she’s the same and the proximity is a trigger to contact you - it makes practical sense.

If you have a warm and lovely time together, I’d take it for what it is. It doesn’t sound like it’s anything untoward, just the way two busy people’s routine has been established.

Yes, I do message her. But not as much as I would if she messaged me first sometimes… (apart from accommodation requests!) it feels a bit one-sided.

@Prisonpillow Yes, you are right in many ways. We’re both busy and it makes practical sense for her to stay over here. But I think her not asking after my very poorly dad, or wondering about my sister’s biopsy - which I told her I was really anxious about - has upset me a lot. Even a quick text to ask how things are would have made me feel supported (and less taken for granted).

I honestly admire people who kept friendships from their 20s
I lost all my uni friends when they got married and move to other cities or abroad
Since then had virtually not even one friend, just kind of people we chat when we see each other on the road or shops etc

Well you'd stop feeling bitter and rubbish for one thing! Don't accept a relationship that makes you feel like that. It's harming you.

So what if she seems warm and caring when you meet? She's cold and uncaring the rest of the time. You're a convenient place to stay, she enjoys your company (or is at least capable of pretending she does, out of politeness, given that she's your house guest) but not enough to make any kind of an effort to maintain a relationship, not even if she's in the area for other reasons or via text.

The "warmth and caring" is probably just her persona with everyone not something special for close people. Does she happen to work in sales by any chance? I find a lot of sales people to be charismatic, it's their job to make you feel special and like there's a connection between you. Often they seem to find it easy and it becomes their default persona. They're like it all day every day with everyone, in and out of the workplace, it's how they get the best out of people and it means absolutely nothing.

It’s a one sided friendship and once you stop doing all the work it will fade away probably .
Personally I would stick to not allowing her to stay at yours and see if she ever invites you to meet while she’s at her parents. If you don’t hear from her again you have your answer. That’s not any kind of friendship you want to keep hold of.

I had a childhood friend who used me as 24/7 free unpaid therapist for years. Also borrowed money from me regularly. I gave her the option of paying it back if she wanted to, whenever she wanted to, but also said she never had to pay it back if she couldn’t. She never did pay back a penny.

Which is fine since I gave her that option of not paying me back, but combined with everything else it’s very telling - she just sees me as a giver in her life and doesn’t even attempt to reciprocate. I live alone and didn’t even get a text most years on my birthday from her but yet she’s always expected me to turn up at all her kids birthdays and bring gifts etc

I could care less about the money but it’s the fact she generally wasn’t there for me in any deep or meaningful way, yet she leaned so heavily on me emotionally and financially for literally decades.

Honestly I’d cut my losses if I were you Op, so it doesn’t eat you up and make you bitter. I let go of my friendship earlier this year and I haven’t looked back.

Hi OP have you ever visited her? Or arranged to meet up halfway somewhere?

If you only ever meet up when she is in town I can see why if she is the one traveling to work (and then meeting you).

I doubt she's ever invited to visit. There's a complete lack of interest in the Ops life outside of providing accommodation for her.

@TheHistorian

Her parents also live there. I assume this friend has other connections too.

I have seen it often. When people move away they seem to have to be the ones to come back/home/visit.

It may be the case that the friend has little interest but my question is a pretty valid one; has the OP ever met up or visited elsewhere?

I get what you're saying but my ex friend had parents that lived close by me but she rarely if ever invited me to stay at hers (about an hour and a half away), she liked to be away from home at the weekends when she was single. When she remarried it continued on that basis ie expected to be hosted for the weekend at mine. Also continued when her parents died.

I think sometimes an imbalance becomes fixed in a friendship, the one giving more, the other taking. Communication becomes all about what one person needs. Radio silence otherwise. Which is what I'm interpreting in the Ops situation. Not checking up on her dad and sister speaks volumes.

You’re convenient for her. Maybe too convenient.
I’ve had similar, a friend who lives in the North East and whose adult children have moved about 2 miles from me.
In the past we’ve travelled many hours to see and stay with her, but then she’ll visit her family for a week and often not contact me even to meet up for a coffee for an hour. She contacts me if for some reason she can’t stay with them and asks to stay with us.

You say you contact her to say hi, but aside from this, do you ever suggest meeting up?
Just looking at this from another angle, maybe she feels like she’s the one making the effort because whenever you meet, it’s only because she’s invited herself over? And I get of course that it’s often out of convenience for her, but she may not see it that way.

Yes, I do and we very occasionally meet halfway.
Once had an invite to stay the weekend at hers (me and the family) and it got cancelled last minute. That was annoying.
She always seems happy to see me but I don’t feel like she’d go out of her way to visit. I’m a convenient place to stay!

Hi op not great if always on her terms.. had a friend like that got one sided efforts. It fizzled out. I just felt she was less invested. It hurt as friends a long time.