Feeling dead inside

[whsm17]

It was love marriage and I thought we were happy when accidentally after my pregnancy announcement he left the tab open and I saw his fresh dating profile . I was vulnerable and after him crying saying sorry and all I forgave him . He broke my trust again after 4 months post delivery and we had another same sorry and all , since then I couldn't trust him . Fast forward we decided to have another baby after 5y and he did again , talking to other women online compliment them when he never did to me
I am beautiful, I get this told everywhere and I am aware I have that natural features . But he never did .
When our 2nd kid was 1 he set up a camera in the bathroom where my cousin came to shower . While me and husband were having a heart to heart conversation about new life .
My cousin saw the cam and deleted the video and my aunt confessed him without telling me coz I was a new mom and weak and I thought I was finally happy as he got me ring and we made love etc .
Since then it's been 7 years I'm just broke and dead living a life where I don't know who I am and just on autopilot.
I joined a mental health group where I just used to vent where a French dad used to send me his kids pic to cheer me up .
Eventually he confessed that he's in love with me and all and always complimented me how beautiful I am and I lacked that all my 14 years of married life .
I fell for it and felt special lively , started to laugh and feel happy I could see myself blooming until he started to blame life and answer me late , I sent him gifts on his birthday and just because I wanted to randomly as he sent me his adress .
3 years and from past 1 year he is distant , same but we didn't have any conversation. I asked him what's wrong and he blamed life , but nothing changed .
It's like something broke inside me and he keeps telling me he is happy that I'm in his life and the only good after his kids but only when I complain he has changed .
I walked on rocks and then decided to never ever let anyone else come in my life . Since then , I'm again far worse dead , I start to forget things , life seems heavy everything just feels like a burden .
Am i an attention seeker ?
My life is busy with kids so I don't really have real friends to hang out with and have food allergy so I'm always out of pic if even I make any friends coz everyone wants to go out and eat .
Idk why I am writing this I just cannot believe I'm such a waste into this world bringing 2 kids and then alone and depressed.
I look in in the mirror, I am beautiful, 34 but still beautiful and look young I have golden brown hair Hazel eyes and slim body . Why I am so lonely and left out ? I don't deserve that .

Youre beautiful- so what? 🤷🏻‍♀️ The fact is that you’ve made poor life choices. You stayed with a man who you don’t trust and decided to have another child with him- then you chose to have an affair and you’re wondering why you feel low. The answer is pretty clear. Dump these “men” and concentrate on yourself and your children.

I really think that you need to seek counselling. Being pretty is one thing, but you need to work on having a positive mind. You stayed with a cheating man too long and you need help to get your mind out of depression and into helping you. I wish you the very best. 🌸

I'm sorry you've had some bad luck OP. But I think your life expectations are not right. Men cannot make us happy. And women must have more to offer than their looks. It sounds like you wish you could attract a nice man because perhaps you still believe in love, but you need to be aware of what red flags to watch out for in a man.

I think you need to take some time to concentrate on yourself and your children and building up a good life for yourselves, without a man. Think of a job and career that might be fulfilling, for example. Make friends and go out as much as possible.

Also the camera in the bathroom when your cousin showered? That's a criminal offense and should be reported to the police, to be honest. Men who do that are capable of much bigger crimes.

This.

OP, I'm a similar age to you and one of the best things for my mental health has been to stop thinking of my value in terms of how I look. I was brutally rejected recently and I too spiralled into a "but I'm good looking, how can this happen" well of self-pity and it took real effort to snap out of it.

The fact is bad men will mistreat you no matter what colour your eyes are or whatever. So focus on not letting them into your life, not thinking your beauty will somehow change them.

This post sounds like AI.

You seem totally obsessed with your looks. Not an attractive quality.
Perhaps if you focused on your other qualities and peopled your life with those who aren't also similarly fixated on the superficial you would be happier.

When do you find out about him filming your cousin?

He committed a crime against your cousin and you stayed. And put your children at risk living with a sexual deviant?

and so you embarked on an affair? An emotional affair? And now sad that he doesn’t seem that interested anymore?

Op, I know it’s hard. But you have to start taking responsibility for yourself. Your husband is awful. You know he is. You are choosing to stay. You are actively making choices to stay miserable. It’s incredibly hard to face up to. But you can make different choices and get your life back.

Are you on medication for your depression? A group where you meet people is great, but not when you meet people there and make further bad decisions with those people.

I am a human being

Not obsessed , I don't think very high of myself but my point was when I get compliments from all but not the one I want to be complimented , it hurts , and I'm at point when compliments make me sick , like what's the point when I'm still lonely and miserable

Who is the one you want them from?

The sexual Deviant husband or the man that thought mental health support groups was a good place to pick women up?

Honestly op while you are wondering about your looks aren’t giving you the life you want, your children are around a sexual predator. That’s where you need to focus. Your kids need you.

OP being attractive has many advantages but can also make you less careful about your life choices. Especially if you have this belief that being pretty means you're deserving of happiness and good treatment.
Life is combination of luck and choices we make. You were unlucky with your husband but you also made very poor decisions and now you suffer consequences.
You can't change the past but you can learn from it and create better future for yourself and your children. You are so young and you have 2dc who look up to you.

Beautiful women get cheated on all the time - look at Cheryl Cole, Liz Hurley, Sienna Miller to name a few. Being attractive is no guarantee no-one will treat you badly. Work on your self esteem beyond your looks - you've far more to offer than that.

It was 7 years ago when he did that and I stayed quiet he cried and said sorry and told me he was under some spells he didn't know what he was doing etc and I just stayed quite idk why and then 3 years ago I fell for an emotional affair it was good until it was good but I feel exactly the same as I felt with husband , worthless , like a toy , and a fool for wasting my time .

Thank you , I don't know where to start with about counselling? I struggle to communicate with professionals. I write sometimes and then reading my own thoughts made me feel like I'm thinking too much and wouldn't like a person who thinks like me

I used looks as an example coz I get compliments and I wonder if they are true . I give all in a relationship I treated my husband like a king always praised him, gave him full attention , learnt his favourite meals to cook did most in the house and worked and also never complained. My only complain was him giving me time . He doesn't like going out with me , walk With me , eat with me and those small things are all I need . He was the first man in my life and we promised each other a good future , nothing big but a family life , and it didn't happen .

I don't want either of them , I have realised they both are the same . And using the same manipulation to keep me around I told my affair how his changing moods are effecting me and I would not like that . And he says that he has issues in his life and he avoids me and all , but if I avoid him he gets sore looser and blame it on me that I'm the last happiness after his kids . Where my husband is in denial ...
He thinks all is good around him , and it's so easy to move on he would say something bad that will make me cry and then act like nothing happened and I'm the one who is not letting go , I see so much similarity in both of them idk what to do and how to feel good . My kids are my life and I know its not accepted but me being quiet and going with flow is just bcz I want my kids to be happy.

I'm so confused about my life , I know looks aren't everything and I would never use it as a tool , I have some morals too , I know having an emotional affair is wrong , I admit that , it was never my intention in the first place when joining that group , I just wanted to vent anonymously and feel light . But it happened , and like everyone in that situation it felt wrong in the beginning until it didn't and I loved that attention, he used to do all sweet things like a teenager (he is 12 years older )

Doing everything in a relationship won't win you respect, you will only attract selfish men and users.
You need to understand that just because you try hard and are attractive will not be basis for a good relationship.
You should put more emphasis on what qualities a man brings to the table rather then obsessing if you're good and pretty enough.

Also relationship with a man is not an only goal in life. Yes it's very important part of it but if you can't find any meaning and happiness without it then you'll never be truly fulfilled.

OP, you sound sad and depressed. Please see your GP and tell them how you feel.
I also think you need some counselling to help you improve your boundaries with men and to help you develop your sense of self worth.
You are very focused on your looks and how attractive you are but that's not what a respectful relationship is based on. You are worth so much more than that.
Both your husband and your affair partner have treated you badly, forget about them for now, instead concentrate on yourself and your well being, not just on trying to please men .

I would like to tell my doc but I'm not sure how to be open like I'm here .... by saying I don't feel well about my life isn't enough for them . When I pull from my affair all of a sudden he becomes nice , and its going on from a year and I recently realised its a pattern he ignores me and when I carry on with my life coz I m not a begger he comes back and say all nice things again and it's same with husband , when I finally gather my strength he gets nice all of a sudden and I fall back

OP just tell your GP what you have written here - that you feel dead inside. Explain that you feel very sad and low and ask the doctor to help you get some counselling. You cannot base your happiness on your affair partner, he is using you, blowing hot and cold to manipulate you and keep you anxious.You need proper help to improve your sense of self worth. Please start by seeing your GP.