How to deal with being ignored?

[Tulip8]

This will probably divide those who think...

A) messages are to be replied at your own leisure and it's out of order to be a recipient and expect a response sooner

B) if a friend you genuinely like and respect messages, you should find a few minutes in your week to respond if only to say you're busy and will get back to them another day.

Essentially I have a close group of friends that's I've known for 35 years. The group has changed over time but we've always kept certain events free for each other. We always have a few days away in the summer with our families, we always have a Christmas meal at someone's house etc. Throughout the year we also see each other for more spontaneous meet ups in different sizes and combinations. It's a male and female group, some are married couples with others in the group.

Four of us women are close and we have a WhatsApp group, check in regularly with work and life chat, it's nice. Everyone is pretty responsive to messages. We also all message each other individually. One friend though, hardly very responds to my individual messages to her. They are often direct questions, not vague chatter. This week it's an invitation to go somewhere. She'll usually leave it around 2 weeks, message with sorry sorry been busy etc and I'll say don't worry blah blah blah and then the same happens the following time. All the while, group messages are sent.

So I am confused, is she phasing me out? I imagine if I asked her directly she'd dismiss such a suggestion but it's hard not to take it personally. Shall I stop messaging her? That also then seems like I don't value her friendship when I do.

Help!

Have you thought about asking her? You've known her for 35 years.

Well she always just says she's been busy!

I'd probably stop messaging her individually and leave the ball in her court for contact and arranging to meet up. Just concentrate on the others and the group at large.

Explain to her how it's making you feel.

Hi Sandra, I've noticed you don't seem to want to meet up and was wondering if everything is ok. I feel as though you are fading me out and was wondering if it's anything I've done or if there's anything you want to talk about.

Something like that. If she dismisses you then move on.

Thank you, I'll try a message like that and see what she says. I'll let you know when she responds in 10/14 working days

Personally I wouldn't ask, in case it causes drama in the group.

If it was an individual friendship only, I might, but with the group dynamic, I just think it could get misinterpreted or relayed in an unintended way.

See this is why I haven't so far. We're very much a drama free group. And i genuinely don't think she has an issue with anything I've done (nothings happened!) But I ultimately wonder why I've slipped off her list of priorities? I'm pretty embarrassed that i have to wait so long for a reply. I'm pretty prompt 48 hours longest to reply, much shorter for close friends.

Maybe she really is busy? You’re assuming she’s ignoring you, but that’s just a story.
some of us truly just don’t have the extra energy for frequent messaging and hangouts.
maybe stop putting so much energy toward connecting with her outside the group?

She likes you well enough for the group chat and events perhaps just not quite enough for individual contact. Don’t take it badly. Lots of people, especially busy people, end up with a sort of hierarchy/ tiers of friendships. It’s not always a conscious decision. It’s often just caused by time commitments

Do you know what else is going on in her life?

Does she has 4 DCs, a full time job and a DH who works away, or caring responsibilities, elderly parents, trying to move house or whatever? Sometimes it's really that simple. People are swamped.

Maybe ask her less individually, focus on the group chat more.

I’d take the hint and leave it. Everyone has very busy lives. It doesn’t necessarily mean she has anything against you, it probably means she has a lot going on and doesn’t have space to regularly message you anymore.
I’ve lost touch with a couple of old friends this way. Life changes and people move on. It most likely is nothing personal.
With one of them, I periodically message to see how she’s doing and she does respond in a friendly way, but never responds to my suggestions of a meet up. So I know how you feel, but you just have to let these things go for your own peace of mind.

ultimately wonder why I've slipped off her list of priorities

However frustrating it is, I don't think I would really ask why. There may be so many reasons and ultimately that's all they are. What matters is that it's her choice.

The best think to do IMO is leave it, stop messsgeing her separately and go about your business. She may come back and get in touch, she may not. Make your peace with that and get on with your life.

Sorry, but there it was.

Don't message her individually, ask her in group if something needs booking etc. Then the entire group can see if she ignores. I wouldn't confront or ask others about her behaviour because then it's YOU who is being a drama llama!

We are pretty close and if she doesn't have time for meeting one to one anymore (we always have so this isn't a new thing I'm trying to initiate) then I just wonder why she can't just say so? It's odd.

Anyhow, I'll take the hint and leave it. It's awkward now as I've suggested something, so my message is just hanging there, like a bad smell we're trying to avoid

I'll also admit it's dented my confidence a bit! I wonder how you make peace with being dropped within yourself?

I'm having a really difficult year personally, with stuff I can't share with anyone so knowing I have friends around has really meant a lot. It's so hard.

If you do suggest a meet-up in future, try giving her a firm deadline to reply, e.g. "I need to book by X date, so please let me know by then if you can make it". And be prepared to go without her/cancel if you don't get a reply.

I'd leave it. Taking two weeks to reply sounds like she isn't fussed or your being phased out. I'm really sorry. I have been there and it hurts. I had a friend who was very busy, too busy to meet me. Until I bumped into her and a new friend when out one day.

I had this with a very old friend. Eventually when I saw her face to face i told her how i felt. she assured me it wasn't personal, she was just v busy and I came to accept we'd drifted apart. She had closer friends, other priorities etc and sadly she's now more of a casual friend than a close one. It saddens me still but I put my energy into other friendships now.

What is an acceptable response time ?!?!? I always wonder this. Personally I always respond the same day, I think it’s rude not too and surely a good friend has a few spare minutes to respond even if it’s just to say “sounds great, I’ll msg you later in the week”.