Just want to get some things of my chest

[AmberBiscuit]

Hey,

My current partner is someone I feel like I’ve known forever because we’ve known eachother since 17/19. Im 25 now and he’s 27. I have so much confidence that he loves me so very much and he has done almost since the day he met me, however on my end it took a lot longer to get there.
After dating briefly when we first met I moved away from home and whilst we have always kept in contact that’s all it was for years. I dated other people however he didn’t really have a relationship until we started seriously dating just under 2 years ago.
I had two serious relationships with other men whilst away from him one ended with him cheating and threatening to kill himself if I left him (I was 19) and in the other serious relationship I was pretty badly physically and emotionally abused. In the second most recent relationship I had a child. She’s turning 4 now, she’s amazing and since I left her father 2 years ago we’ve moved back home and almost immediately I reconnected romantically with my current partner. There wasn’t much down time between being with my daughters father and my current partner, but in fairness I was aware the relationship with my baby daddy was ending much before I finally plucked up the courage and made a plan to physically leave.
So, during this time my current partner supported me as a friend and then very quickly for me my feelings grew, we started dating and things were getting serious pretty quick. Bear in mind we knew eachother very well from being friends so there were no secrets or anything we needed to get to know. During this time he also buys a house and seeing as we are still new together he invites his friend to live with him. This at the time was my best friend, a girl who pretty much introduced us when we first met. She was the link.
For a while things go great, but I start to become less close with his roommate and more bothered by how close they are. As the girlfriend but not living there I started to feel left out and an outsider and I started to get bothered and upset when they would go in weekends away ( with other friends) or nights out that I just couldn’t make it to, due to being a mother. It started to annoy me that it felt like I would do all the caring and loving but the roommate would get all the lifts and the meals paid for etc. it wasn’t all the lifts and meal and shops I definitely got my share but I felt like my boyfriend was only half mine.
Eventually, around Christmas last year I had had enough of not being invited not feeling involved etc so I said I wanted to move in, now it’s a 2 bedroom house and my daughter would need a room so this means she like have to move out. Didn’t go down well, it obviously pissed her off, but my boyfriend he said he was too scared as this was his first relationship and he felt it was too soon. I took this as he just wanted to casually date me and not be a family unit with me and my daughter. Which is what I wanted so we broke up.
After being no contact for 2 months my granddad died and I reached out to both of them to attend the funeral, from there we rekindled a friendship between the three of us and we started to all get on and hang out. About another 4 months go by and he’s calling me asking me to go on dates, we go on a few dates and I can see he’s making an effort but I bring up that I want to be a family unit, to have another baby and get married, obviously move in, which was the main reason we broke up.
He tells me the past six months have been enough to show him that I am all he wants and he wants me to move in, wants to act as a father figure for my daughter, another child and to get married. We get back together everything’s good, we are set to move in together in February. I’m happy.
The issue is the roommate, my old best friend. Now they are still friends and it still bothers me that I seem the outsider and I can’t let it go, however I tried to keep my mouth shut. She talks shit about me to anyone, anyone at all. Ideally I’d like her out of my life but my boyfriend wants to remain friends. I don’t. She’s called me every name under the sun to my face and behind my back and I cannot let go. She swears at me for buying a plant for the house or choosing some shelves and a mirror. She leaves the house a state knowing I’ll come round and clean because I just can’t sit and relax in a mess. I honestly just want her out of my life but that would mean out of my boyfriends too and I can’t ask that, can I?
I don’t really know what I’m asking I don’t know what advise to ask for, and to be honest I don’t expect many people to reach the end I seem to have gone on quite a bit. I’d like to know if anyone has gone through similar and how it turned out.

Aw it seems like you have a pretty tumultuous time of it with two exes and a baby, no wonder you are feeling insecure and what stability for you and your daughter.
Unfortunately the girl is either jealous of you, as she wants the man for herself, or peed off because she had a nice set up which you have disturbed in her mind (the boyfriend has chosen this too, but you're getting the blame).
I think when you move in, she will move elsewhere and it will fizzle out between your boyfriend and her, don't think you should give him an ultimatum but you could tell him how she is behaving towards you when he is not around to give him a heads-up and some background of what she is really like.
It's a shame you two have fallen out, especially as she got you two together in the first place! She should have some gratitude for that, from you and him.
Why don't you go out with her for a drink, have.a heart to heart, thank her, tell her you would still like to be friends, but time has moved on as it will for everyone when they couple up and that is life. If you can say this in a kind understanding way and be reassuring as from her perspective she set you two up, then she loses him to you, you to him and then her home so she's had a bad deal if you think about it like that, no wonder she's peed off!
Can you work something out between you, ie give her a couple if months min to get used to the idea and find somewhere she really likes to live? That would be a true friend returning the favour and respect she deserves. Good luck OP xx

Record her , gather enough evidence while just casually telling your bf she acts bad towards you , not in a serious way but just casually , and when you have enough evidence show him , and tell him you wanted to tell him but you needed evidence as talking would make you feel like you are maybe jealous of her but it's her behaviour towards you that made you do that . Be very careful

Yes, well. He's going to have to choose between the two women in his life, isn't he?

This friend isn’t the problem. You have appalling judgement, and rushed into this relationship far too quickly, after an abusive relationship with your child’s father, and then rushed into saying you wanted to move in, purely because you were jealous of his housemate, your supposed best friend! If your opinion of your supposed best friend has altered so much in such a short space of time, and you were prepared to disrupt your small child’s life on a whim, and you broke up with your boyfriend again because he didn’t want to be a ‘family unit’ with a child he should barely have met yet, and then got back together again, and now you’re all set to play happy families again — I don’t think this is the kind of stable relationship you should be introducing a small child into. I honestly think you should be single for at least a couple of years and concentrate on parenting your child and figuring out who you are. You sound like a very young 25, and this relationship has ‘doomed’ written all over it. Have you noticed that all the major moves in this relationship have been because of the best friend you seem to loathe?

Completely agree with this. You’ve made this work man your problem because the set up doesn’t suit you.

Stop playing childish games with your child’s life and dragging her into the home of a man she barely knows just because you don’t want this woman and your bf (not partner) under the same roof.

It all sounds so petty and immature. Why is it your business if she wants to leave a mess? It’s her home not yours to clean up and why are you buying plants etc? I’d be rolling my eyes at you too. It comes across as you trying to push her out before she’s ready to go to make a point. It’s all a bit of a pick me contest and not a very healthy environment to be bringing your child into

It sounds like you need to spend some time on your own, out of a relationship, just you and your daughter in your own place, putting your DD first. It all sounds a bit much to be dragging a little kid into after what's already happened. Just focus on giving her some peace and stability, and show her and yourself that that's a choice worth making.

He grows a pair or you go.

This with bells on.
It all sounds very immature and at the end of the day, this guy shouldn't be your priority,
your child should.

It’s his house. He chooses who gets to live there. In normal circumstances, if he wants you to move in, he tells his roomie it’s time to move on. He hasn’t done that. You see her as a dog in the manger, but it’s his house, she’s presumably paying her rent, and you’ve jumped the gun. Your vision is clouded, and you are not making good choices.

How did your relationship with your ex best friend go from I reached out to both of them to attend the funeral, from there we rekindled a friendship between the three of us and we started to all get on and hang out to she talks shit about me to anyone... She’s called me every name under the sun to my face and behind my back? It seems like she had forgiven you and the relationship had been repaired but then something happened to mess it up again. Did this happen when you started dating your current partner again, or was it when you again became jealous and tried to push her out of the house?

Either way, it seems like your jealousy is a major problem to be solved, for the sake of your current or any future romantic relationships AND for the sake of any friendships you may have in the future, even if you no longer want to try to salvage this one. Please don't drag your daughter into an unstable situation because of your own issues; get comfortable and confident with yourself and then you can build solid relationships you can rely on long term.

The real issue isn't his housemate, it is the life stages you are both at, they do not match. I hate to say it but this is a real killer in a relationship. There is nothing you can do to match up your life stages, there will always be a disjoint. It causes real resentment, it will break up your partnership eventually.

You say you have had a serious relationship for 2 years, but you haven't, you broke up and only got back together months later, you split over something that, had you both been at matching life stages, would have easily been sorted out without a split. This is not a serious relationship. Knowing someone as a friend is a world away from knowing them as a life partner.

Your DP is off on nights out and weekends away without you, if he was ready to make you his life partner he would be taking you on nights out and you and DC on weekends away and only occasionally going on nights out and weekends with friends on his own. He is still living the single life and enjoying himself.

When the reality of living with a DC in the house and the freedom it will curtail hits he is in for a shock. You both may try and make it work for a while but you will both come to dislike your situation. You and your DC need more than a DP who isn't ready for this why put the 3 of you through it?

Right now he is on his best behaviour and so are you, the relationship is shaky, you've already broke up and not been together for months, then back together again, that's fine when you are carefree and single. Your DC doesn't need this level of turmoil in their life.

You have been through so much in the past few years, I really feel for you For your own sake and that of your DCs, you need some therapy. Your DP has not and won't be able to understand what you need as he has yet to go through it in his life, he is at a different stage.

Moving in with him for no good reason i.e. because you don't like him living and prioritising his housemate is not a good idea. He is not committing in the way you want or need, that's not because of his housemate, it is because of him. That is who he is right now, he won't catch up on your life stage, he needs to go through stuff himself to get there by which time you will have moved on further too.

You will be better off finding someone who is more on your wavelength and ready to settle, whatever your DP is telling you right now is because he doesn't know what he will be getting into, he is likely to want to jump straight back out again when reality hits. This won't do you or your DC any good.

Let him go, work on healing yourself because you have had a tough time and find a DP who is ready to settle down properly.