Money obsessed parter

[Cosmic657]

Just after some opinions if I’m over reacting.
Been with my partner 12 years, not married and 2 kids together. Each month I transfer all my earnings to a joint account and always keep £200 in my account. He says if I want to buy something then just get it off the joint account but if I’m honest I’m always conscious I’m spending too much as he’s so obsessed with money and feel he makes all the money decisions.
Last year i had a big birthday so i went abroad with my friends for 3 days, nothing major but it’s something I’ve not done for 20 years and since having kids. It caused quite a few issues if I’m honest and it’s now put me off going away again by myself.
Roll on to tonight and I had £20 in my purse which was left over from this years birthday, my daughter needed £10 for school so I gave the note to her. She brought the change home and my parter said he was taking the £10 for parking tomorrow. He knew it was my birthday money so when I flagged it he got moody and stormed off. He’s brought it up again tonight along with a dig about me having a weekend away with my friends last year but he didn’t for his big birthday. So basically it’s as if by me going away I’ve had more than him. He didn’t want to do anything for his big birthday and if I had my own savings I would have used that.
Tonight I’m feeling rubbish and quite hurt that my holiday from last year with my friends has been brought up again 😞

How does he even know/remember that the money was from an event that took place a year ago? We’re talking twenty quid not £k!! It doesn’t sound healthy to me. I’m sorry he made you feel bad about sth so inconsequential and I think you need to reconsider some things in your relationship. It is not right.

Your legal situation here is precarious to say the least. Why are you not married after 12 years and 2 children (do they have his surname as well?). It seems like he is happy to take from you and not give readily in return.

Would you want your kids as adults to be in such a relationship?, What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not an ideal relationship model at all.

Do not go into joint counselling with him, it’s not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

I would think about your future in this relationship because this is who he really is and he does not want to share. He remains pissed off that you dared to have some time away from home last year as well which is also a red flag. He probably thinks you are looking at other men or other men are hitting on you . He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

I would assume he goes out far more often than you do because it’s one rule for him and another for you. Same with visits to the dentist, clothes buying etc. He can do this but you cannot. His moodiness is an example of emotional abuse The money situation is yet more power and control, this smacks of financial abuse.

I would read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages. He will not change.

You are with a man who is financially controlling.
You really need to take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if this is the way you want to live your life.

Fuck that. Tell him he either knocks it off or you'll be putting in exactly your share for the joint account and keeping the rest.

It's this sort of stuff that baffles me when joining finances is the big thing on here. It's not a good advert for it this shit.

We’ve never been married as we focussed our finances on the kids and to be honest as time has gone on it’s just not been a priority.
If he wanted to go away like I did, then he could have but he chose not to do anything. It seems he begrudging me going away which I’m upset has been brought back up after 15 months!

He sounds like a miserable and ungenerous person to live with.

His meanness is dictating how you live your one precious life.

As I wrote earlier he remains pissed off snd otherwise resentful that you went away with your friends. He never wanted you to go and will keep using your break away as a means of punishing you. It will further discourage you from going away without him which is what he wants as well.

You’ve never married because you’ve focussed the finances on the kids?!. Or was that his decision in the main?. Again he does not want to share.

Has he made a will with you named as main beneficiary?. If he died suddenly you’d really be up shit creek here and perhaps reliant on the good will of his parents.

Your future with him is looking increasingly bleak because of his controlling nature which is itself abusive in nature.

What are your incomes like in comparison and do you both have equal amounts to yourself at the end of the month?

Does he help with children/housework?

I’ve been there with the money thing, being the lesser earner watching while he spent money like water on himself only and I had nothing as all my money went on bills/essentials and I was constantly being told I had to put more of my wages into the joint account, to the point I couldn’t even afford to fill my car up never mind go out or do anything else nice for myself. Essentially I was working constantly to cover bills and he was sitting pretty with an endless cash supply. Sometimes I thought he enjoyed it to be honest,

This will likely not get better.

Divorce the fucker. He sounds awful, like a petulant child.

Life is great as a solo, even with kids.

At least you don't have a man to deal with who gives you nothing either financially, emotionally or is a dead-beat dad.

You are being financially abused and controlled.
This is coercive control and a crime.
Do you have access to your money?
If not, this is a crime.
This man is abusing and controlling you.
Time to contact Women's aid and to think about involving the police.
This is very serious.