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Original poster

How to manage blended families?

5 replies

KitKatChonky · 01/10/2024 20:58

I’ve been with my partner for just over a year. We’re both in our 40’s.

He’s divorced, with small children. I’m divorced too; my ex and I both knew separating was the right thing to do, there were no children involved, and we have fairly small and not very close-knit families. Hence, we haven’t had any reason to keep in touch at all. Haven’t seen or heard from him in years, and don’t need or want to.
my partner however, has a very different family dynamic. His ex-wife also has a partner now, she met him and moved him in with her and the children before my partner and I got together. For whatever reason, she absolutely hates me. Is spiteful about me any opportunity she gets, tells the children lies about me and has tried to stop their dad (my partner) from having them when I’m due to be there.

His family love her. They’ve been very clear that they wish to maintain a relationship that they’ve had for 15 or so years, with the ex-wife. It’s nothing to do with the children, they’ve said this themselves, but they want to continue the relationship with her that they’ve had before. I don’t think I’d be bothered about this at all, if she wasn’t so spiteful about me. I worry what she says to them, and how much they’ll take notice of it.

I have an ok and developing relationship with them myself, and they’ve always been perfectly polite to me.

My friends have just suggested that this is part and parcel of adult relationships and blended families, and there’s nothing I can practicably do about it, so I need to find a way of accepting it.

I guess I’m looking for some perspective? Can anyone tell me it gets better/easier to cope with?

OP posts:
NewSchoolYearRevamp · 01/10/2024 22:25

Yes and no.

I don’t think it’s unusual the ExW has a relationship with DP parents. I think it’s often down to the woman to maintain a relationship with both sets of parents whilst in a relationship so this may not stop when they separate. Also there can be quite a bit of contact if DPs parents help with childcare. I have a good relationship with my exH parents & occasionally spend time at their house or go out with them. Only usually when the kids are with us though.

I don’t think the exW being spiteful is necessarily always the case. I don’t bad mouth my exH’s DP even though she was the OW. I think it’s better for my DC if we all get along. I know that this often doesn’t happen though.

What is true is that if you don’t have kids a separation typically means never seeing each other again. If you do have kids then your lives are intertwined permanently. Although I presume this reduces when they become adults.

Will it get better? That’s hard to know as each situation will be different. I think the battle is to get the kids to accept you when they are little as teen years can be very difficult.

Original poster
KitKatChonky · 02/10/2024 08:39

NewSchoolYearRevamp · 01/10/2024 22:25

Yes and no.

I don’t think it’s unusual the ExW has a relationship with DP parents. I think it’s often down to the woman to maintain a relationship with both sets of parents whilst in a relationship so this may not stop when they separate. Also there can be quite a bit of contact if DPs parents help with childcare. I have a good relationship with my exH parents & occasionally spend time at their house or go out with them. Only usually when the kids are with us though.

I don’t think the exW being spiteful is necessarily always the case. I don’t bad mouth my exH’s DP even though she was the OW. I think it’s better for my DC if we all get along. I know that this often doesn’t happen though.

What is true is that if you don’t have kids a separation typically means never seeing each other again. If you do have kids then your lives are intertwined permanently. Although I presume this reduces when they become adults.

Will it get better? That’s hard to know as each situation will be different. I think the battle is to get the kids to accept you when they are little as teen years can be very difficult.

Edited

Thank you. This makes the situation sound a bit more normal. I think I’m ok with the children, they’re all fairly young and seem to have taken pretty well to both myself and their mums’ new partner. I expected the kids to be the hard part to be honest, but it’s the ongoing relationship between his parents and the ex wife that I’m really struggling with.

OP posts:
NewSchoolYearRevamp · 02/10/2024 08:50

KitKatChonky · 02/10/2024 08:39

Thank you. This makes the situation sound a bit more normal. I think I’m ok with the children, they’re all fairly young and seem to have taken pretty well to both myself and their mums’ new partner. I expected the kids to be the hard part to be honest, but it’s the ongoing relationship between his parents and the ex wife that I’m really struggling with.

Edited
Show quote history

I am really pleased that the relationship with the kids is good. I honestly think that’s the most important thing.

In terms of parents, I would hope they would take you at face value and trust their son’s view of you rather than their exDIL. There shouldn’t be any reason they can’t have a relationship with you and her. I suspect you would end up spending more time with them. Eg for my exInlaw’s celebrations, my exH & his partner are invited and I’m not.

As for exW, it sounds like she’s jealous. It can back fire being bitter and saying spiteful things. I would just try to ignore it and be nice to everyone then hopefully anyone she talks to will see through her lies. She can’t stop you being there when the kids are there but she can make things more awkward.

(edited to add missed word)

autienotnaughty · 02/10/2024 09:32

Is it worth it?

It sounds like you will be second best in in-laws eyes. You have to endure ex stirring and trying to cause trouble between you, dp and kids.

This is potentially the rest of your life. Is it worth the grief?

Original poster
KitKatChonky · 02/10/2024 11:39

autienotnaughty · 02/10/2024 09:32

Is it worth it?

It sounds like you will be second best in in-laws eyes. You have to endure ex stirring and trying to cause trouble between you, dp and kids.

This is potentially the rest of your life. Is it worth the grief?

It probably sounds very cliche I’m sure, but I do very much love the man, and the relationship is otherwise very good. I try to see it as my relationship is with him, not his family. It would just be nice to know that things will settle and hear from others in similar family situations.

OP posts:
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