Shut down when discussing feelings or future

electricorgas · 2024-10-01T19:45:53+00:00

I need some perspective please. I'm in my late thirties and been dating a guy in his early forties for three months now. We have had the talk to be exclusive. So far, all is going great but if I express certain emotions such as missing him when we are apart or if I discuss the future, he will tell me it's too early in the relationship to feel such way or to discuss such things. I feel shut down and criticised and find myself now repressing my feelings. I also feel sad that when he's invited me out to dinner with his mum, I did not criticise him for being too fast. So, all is not ok except when happening on his timeline by the looks of things. I feel that we are both grown and should not be shying away from such discussions. I'm now saying and feeling less. Also, unhappy that I am made to feel that I have to earn this. I have friends who met their partners in grown age like us and were quite open and clear with their feelings and future ambitions. I'd love to hear what people think. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

livelovelough24 · 01/10/2024 20:59

Regardless of what either one of you thinks about the stage your relationship is in, you should both be allowed to say whatever you feel or think about it. Him shutting you up like that is not a good sign, as far as I am concerned, and I would not continue this relationship OP.

Original poster

electricorgas · 01/10/2024 21:30

livelovelough24 · 01/10/2024 20:59

Regardless of what either one of you thinks about the stage your relationship is in, you should both be allowed to say whatever you feel or think about it. Him shutting you up like that is not a good sign, as far as I am concerned, and I would not continue this relationship OP.

Thank you for responding.
It seems I'm being reconditioned to date at a casual pace, when I really came into this as a grown woman with clarity on what I want.

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candlewhickgreen · 01/10/2024 21:36

Surely the time to discuss what you want from a relationship is at the beginning. If he's not interested in marriage or children then you move on otherwise you're wasting your time.

If you've had that discussion and he also wants the same things then three months in is too soon to have made a decision surely. He can't possibly know if he wants to marry you.

I also think that three months in is too soon to meet close relatives.

Original poster

electricorgas · 01/10/2024 21:51

candlewhickgreen · 01/10/2024 21:36

Surely the time to discuss what you want from a relationship is at the beginning. If he's not interested in marriage or children then you move on otherwise you're wasting your time.

If you've had that discussion and he also wants the same things then three months in is too soon to have made a decision surely. He can't possibly know if he wants to marry you.

I also think that three months in is too soon to meet close relatives.

We both said we want marriage and kids.
I thought it was too early to meet the mum, but life's too short- we're not particularly young.
Thank you for the advice.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2024 21:58

it may be that you are being future faked re marriage and kids or otherwise love bombed. I would not continue with this relationship. What’s his relationship history like?.

Original poster

electricorgas · 01/10/2024 22:05

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2024 21:58

it may be that you are being future faked re marriage and kids or otherwise love bombed. I would not continue with this relationship. What’s his relationship history like?.

That'd break my heart.
We both have come out of 4-5 year relationships, after which we both took about 2 years off dating.

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Tae1 · 01/10/2024 23:10

He is showing you who he is and how you can expect to be treated by him.
You are wasting your time with him.

Ilovelurchers · 02/10/2024 01:12

On the one hand, he is allowed to feel like it's early days for him in terms of discussing a future together - I agree that's valid, as long as he tells you this politely. You don't have to like it - you may well feel that after three months you feel ready to discuss the future, but that's just a difference between you, and you can break up if you aren't happy with his views on this.

Where I think he IS unreasonable is to ban you from saying you miss him when you are apart. You should be allowed to express your feelings about that, if those are your feelings.

All in all, neither of you sounds wrong as such in any serious way, but you do sound very incompatible. After three months, if he is already bothering you enough that you are feeling the need to seek support on here about the relationship, I think I would cut my losses and look for someone whose approach was more in line with my own.

I know that's tough when in many ways you clearly like him, but better that than falling deeper in love with him and then facing problems later down in line. I have ignored similar incompatabilities myself in the past - I tend to fall in love quickly and get swept away by my feelings - and it's never worked out well for me!

Good luck whatever you decide.

5475878237NC · 02/10/2024 01:18

So what is the timeline here? Are you almost 40? Closer to 35?

It isn't a good sign that he shuts you down when he disagrees on something. If you marry and have kids that'll only be heightened if it's his main way of coping with stress or emotion.

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2024 01:30

Have you already been to dinner with his mum? If not, cancel. ‘I only meet parents of men who are ready and feel they are committed enough to start talking about the future’.
and I think at your age you should be able to say by 6 months can we talk about the future and if not thanks for the fun times, I think we want different things.

Original poster

electricorgas · 02/10/2024 02:10

Ilovelurchers · 02/10/2024 01:12

On the one hand, he is allowed to feel like it's early days for him in terms of discussing a future together - I agree that's valid, as long as he tells you this politely. You don't have to like it - you may well feel that after three months you feel ready to discuss the future, but that's just a difference between you, and you can break up if you aren't happy with his views on this.

Where I think he IS unreasonable is to ban you from saying you miss him when you are apart. You should be allowed to express your feelings about that, if those are your feelings.

All in all, neither of you sounds wrong as such in any serious way, but you do sound very incompatible. After three months, if he is already bothering you enough that you are feeling the need to seek support on here about the relationship, I think I would cut my losses and look for someone whose approach was more in line with my own.

I know that's tough when in many ways you clearly like him, but better that than falling deeper in love with him and then facing problems later down in line. I have ignored similar incompatabilities myself in the past - I tend to fall in love quickly and get swept away by my feelings - and it's never worked out well for me!

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you for the perspective. I haven't been in a relationship for years because I've been healing and working on myself and trying to find that spark. I admit I've fallen quickly here; shame that I'm being told off for it.

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Original poster

electricorgas · 02/10/2024 02:11

5475878237NC · 02/10/2024 01:18

So what is the timeline here? Are you almost 40? Closer to 35?

It isn't a good sign that he shuts you down when he disagrees on something. If you marry and have kids that'll only be heightened if it's his main way of coping with stress or emotion.

I'm 39.

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Original poster

electricorgas · 02/10/2024 02:19

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2024 01:30

Have you already been to dinner with his mum? If not, cancel. ‘I only meet parents of men who are ready and feel they are committed enough to start talking about the future’.
and I think at your age you should be able to say by 6 months can we talk about the future and if not thanks for the fun times, I think we want different things.

Yes, I've been to dinner with the mum.
So, I thought too. It's a bit hypocritical isn't it?
I'll have to have a proper chat with him.

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LostittoBostik · 02/10/2024 03:07

Hmmm, at 39 I think it's serious chat followed by end the relationship if it doesn't change.
The fact that hes only doing forward looking things (eg mum meeting) on his own terms when he has full control of it feels a bit like future faking to me

Lurkingandlearning · 02/10/2024 04:55

I’m really surprised by the posts. You’ve only been dating 3 months. You barely know each other and it’s very unlikely you are both experiencing the “warts and all” reality of each yet. That’s what makes the first year of a relationship lovely.

He’s told you what he would like for his future but he doesn’t know know if he’s future lies with you yet. How could he at this stage?

Guavafish1 · 02/10/2024 05:20

he is not suitable for you. I would be worried he is suppressing you and discussing issues and leading you on. He is not being honest.

i would not waste any further time being unhappy.

13Ghosts · 02/10/2024 05:33

You're 39 so your timeline for kids is going to be much more hurried than his. Three months is very soon and the response is normally very different to the ones you are getting here.
He possibly is being controlling shutting down your feelings but he may also be trying to tell you he doesn't feel the same and you telling him you miss him when you are apart less than 3 months in is making him uncomfortable and you are the one love bombing.

You've understandably wasted years with the wrong person and too time to heal from that relationship. Marriage and kids conversation at the start to express that is what you desire long term is sensible, if you were 25 though would you really think 3 months in that you know someone well enough to have a child with them?

The responses of LTB are not unusual, man is too slow in relationship/man is too fast in relationship = LTB.

Original poster

electricorgas · 02/10/2024 06:40

Lurkingandlearning · 02/10/2024 04:55

I’m really surprised by the posts. You’ve only been dating 3 months. You barely know each other and it’s very unlikely you are both experiencing the “warts and all” reality of each yet. That’s what makes the first year of a relationship lovely.

He’s told you what he would like for his future but he doesn’t know know if he’s future lies with you yet. How could he at this stage?

That's fair enough. Thank you for being honest.

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DustyLee123 · 02/10/2024 06:41

If he’s not discussing the future it’s because he doesn’t see one with you.

User364837 · 02/10/2024 06:46

Hmm I’m not sure,

on the one hand, 3 months is early, he might be cautious or a bit afraid of getting hurt himself. I think generally giving it six months is a good idea then seeing if things are deepening/going in the right direction for you.

but on the other hand shutting you down is a bit of a red flag.

I was with someone who maybe at 3 months wasn’t up for being super lovey dovey but he would never tell me not to be! I just kind of got a vibe as when I said stuff like I missed him he’d either be a bit quiet or a bit quizzical like, are you ok? 😆
After 10 months I called it a day as I felt he wasn’t leaning in, so we broke up, then we were both much more sad than we expected, had a big chat about everything, got back together and it’s been really really good since then. Difference with us tho I suppose is that we are mid forties, with kids, both not too long post divorce/being widowed so intially we did say about taking jt slow and keeping it light.

Original poster

electricorgas · 02/10/2024 06:52

13Ghosts · 02/10/2024 05:33

You're 39 so your timeline for kids is going to be much more hurried than his. Three months is very soon and the response is normally very different to the ones you are getting here.
He possibly is being controlling shutting down your feelings but he may also be trying to tell you he doesn't feel the same and you telling him you miss him when you are apart less than 3 months in is making him uncomfortable and you are the one love bombing.

You've understandably wasted years with the wrong person and too time to heal from that relationship. Marriage and kids conversation at the start to express that is what you desire long term is sensible, if you were 25 though would you really think 3 months in that you know someone well enough to have a child with them?

The responses of LTB are not unusual, man is too slow in relationship/man is too fast in relationship = LTB.

But couldn't we miss each other within 3 months if we're spending much time together, waking most mornings together, and doing things much more than going on formal dates - mostly initiated by him by the way?
I never thought that I could be the one lovebombing, but seeing how it could come across. I'll try to stop.

I do feel sad about having wasted time with the wrong person and spending a long time healing afterwards. Time is now a luxury I don't have.
I worry that I may have missed the boat for going through the marriage and kids process with a man. If I am always put in a position that makes me feel like I have to earn affection and commitment, surely it'll require time. Hence, why I was with the wrong people for so long, typically 4-7 years in any relationship.

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Olika · 02/10/2024 07:25

I don't think it will work out with him. First of all I don't like the way you are not able to discuss things because 'it's too early'. Also it doesn't sound like it's flowing naturally from his side. The way he is shutting you down and telling you not to feel something is a problem to me. In years time he will be telling you it's too early to talk about something else, every time you are emotional/feeling something he will tell you it's wrong. I am not saying he should be in love with you by now and ready to marry but he should be able/willing to have any kind of conversation as in your late 30s you don't have time to waste. I think you should walk away so you can meet someone who is on the same wavelength with you and with whom it's flowing organically and you can build something meaningful on same timescale.

Lovetosleep1 · 02/10/2024 08:11

It sounds like he's enjoying making plans with you and getting to know you. I also think 3 months is very early days and that's from someone who started dating again at 38.
Does he maybe feel under pressure to say it back to you or not know how to respond when you say you miss him. I wouldn't miss somebody after a few days so wouldn't want to say it back but then how else do you respond politely? I agree though he shouldn't be shutting you down.

Original poster

electricorgas · 02/10/2024 10:14

User364837 · 02/10/2024 06:46

Hmm I’m not sure,

on the one hand, 3 months is early, he might be cautious or a bit afraid of getting hurt himself. I think generally giving it six months is a good idea then seeing if things are deepening/going in the right direction for you.

but on the other hand shutting you down is a bit of a red flag.

I was with someone who maybe at 3 months wasn’t up for being super lovey dovey but he would never tell me not to be! I just kind of got a vibe as when I said stuff like I missed him he’d either be a bit quiet or a bit quizzical like, are you ok? 😆
After 10 months I called it a day as I felt he wasn’t leaning in, so we broke up, then we were both much more sad than we expected, had a big chat about everything, got back together and it’s been really really good since then. Difference with us tho I suppose is that we are mid forties, with kids, both not too long post divorce/being widowed so intially we did say about taking jt slow and keeping it light.

Thank you for sharing. I also do get the are you okay response when I express my feelings. Anyway, 3 months is way too early to be liking anyone other than myself and I do not need to be shut down either.
Thank you for the reality check, everyone 😊

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