How do I fix myself?

[LedKing]

I have posted about this before and still I feel something is wrong with me and I can’t figure out how to fix it?

I have been with my wife since 2005 and married since 2007. Last year at my last job I developed a crush on someone (but did nothing about it) but I changed jobs in March. I stopped contacting the person as a friend as it wasn’t healthy for me but this person still plays on my mind now and again.

It’s been 7 months now and I’m still questioning my relationship which has always been great and my wife is much better than the other person so why do I feel something is wrong. This can’t be normal?

I have friends that have left their partners and regretted it. But sometimes it’s like I feel maybe try something else?

I have a feeling you’ll get a lot of flack for the admission, however it is a brave thing to recognise the way you are feeling. It sounds like you already have a good thing going and it would be foolish to throw away what you have. However, it’s also unkind to go through the motions having doubts as your relationship may end up stagnating leaving your SO feeling as if they’ve done something wrong. I wouldn’t raise this with your current partner at this point as it would only cause them unnecessary distress. Maybe do some soul searching and speak to close friends, family or a professional to try and understand what your life is truly lacking before making any big decisions. If you realise your current relationship is untenable, only then should you open up and have a discussion with your SO being kind, honest and sensitive to their feelings.

What an honest admission. Personally, (I've been married for over 30 yrs btw) I think what you are experiencing is quite normal, nothing to feel ashamed of. AND it doesn't mean things are not good with your wife in my opinion.
a marriage/lomg term relationship can go through so called 'unexciting' times so to speak. The excitement when someone/something new comes along can be real fun! However,if they became your new long term partner, that too would go through unexcited times. A long term partner that is based on respect/trust/recipocracy etc ....aint nothing like it! It requires commitment/dedication/hard work, but man soooo worth it!
Its ok if along the way u notice someone else for being attractive/fun loving /sexy whatever, the world is full of good looking charming ppl etc but then what!? Admire from a distance and then get real. Gd luck!

You're making good decisions in a very complex and delicate situation.

You had these feelings but didn't act on them and even ended contact with this person. Well done for that.
You can't control how you feel about someone, and you've done whatever you can to avoid things escalating.

Maybe you'd benefit from having a therapist look at this with you. From my experience (as a therapist) in these situations it isn't that much about the other woman. You've said yourself that she doesn't compare to your wife. It's probably about how this other woman made YOU feel.
She probably brings out a side of you that has slowly been lost or repressed throughout the years of your marriage. You don't long for that other woman. You long to be the person she allows/encourages you to be.

If you know what that is, take those insights with you and bring them back to your wife. Reflect on your marriage together. What parts of yourselves have you both put on a back burner and sacrificed to be able to function in this marriage and in the life you've constructed together? And how can you begin to reïncorporate those aspects of yourself back into who you are, so you don't need to be having crushes on other women to channel them?

Girlmom35

Spot on!

If I’m honest the other girl reminds me a lot of my wife in some ways when we first met but in all honesty not as good as my wife, plus as weird as it sounds they look very similar to me as well.

I just don’t know what’s up with me, I find my wife attractive still and she’s an amazing person and I’ve told myself why would you trade this in for something not as good. Like a friend of mine did it and a year later he has nothing and knows he’s life is rubbish now.

You’re right now someone has said it to me, it’s not the girl in question it’s how see made me feel. I wouldn’t say we ever got on a deep level much or had a lot in common when talking but as a person she just sparked something inside and made me laugh at times. My wife is 10 years older than me but looks good for her age and this girl was about 4 years younger than me but when I really looked at her we are very different people and I know we would never work out. It’s just she was very kind and genuine plus doesn’t have much luck with guys and my mind would wonder and think what if

Your post seems really ageist.
You refer to this other woman as a " girl".
So presumably her youth and all that goes with it attracts you.
You describe your wife as " looking good for her age"
You sound just like a typical man who yearns for a young partner because his wife is committing the sin of actually getting older.

This

You've been with your wife for 20 years. Marriage is a long-haul with all the ups and downs - some of the downs, no doubt, are boredom and wanting a change...

You've said it yourself that some of your friends have moved on and regretted it. Often, we don't know what we've got until it's gone. Considering that you seem to be in a very good relationship, I'd advise that you put your energy into improving how you feel about your marriage. Go get some counselling and work it out...

Sorry that was a poor choice of words on my part.

But I need to really look at things and change my mindset and really work on things at home