Would you trust a family member or friend who always cheats?

[makingyourmindupp]

As the title really.
i have a close family member who cannot / will not stay faithful in a relationship and is incredibly jealous and controlling of those she cheats on .
she also tells lie after lie (not just in romantic relationships but everywhere including to me)

I have had enough of seeing it, hearing about it, being told unnecessary lies myself and no longer want anything to do with her.
i have seen it break one very long term on and off partner who doesn’t know even a percentage of it and I no longer want to be a bystander.

i have challenged it before and been met with rage and had my own personality ripped apart

now I’m trying to extricate myself am being met with absolute denial and being told I’m making something out of nothing.
i hate being around liars and I have no time for relationship cheaters .

in relationships or friendships myself I tend to ditch people with those traits but it feels weird when it’s close family.

to save dripfeed: we had very difficult upbringing and it’s affected us all differently, I feel guilty about abandoning this person because we have stuck together through thick and thin but always at a price to me

I have seen and experienced first hand this persons gaslighting but still I am doubting myself, am I being disloyal to not want this person in my life anymore?

Bump for responding

Lots of people have very challenging upbringings and don't behave badly.

I couldn't be around what you describe.

No you can’t trust her, she’s a liar, a troublemaker and has low morals. But I’m guessing, as you’ve posted here, you aren’t 100% sure you want to go completely NC with her at this point. If she is your sister I completely understand your hesitation.

If the rest of your family are aware of her character are they likely to believe her when she lies about you? Hopefully not. Keep her away from your friends and tell her nothing of a personal nature. Tell her not to tell you about her shitty behaviour and that if she does, you will not be keeping it secret.

That makes for a strained relationship and will probably be a lot of hard work. You could try it before going completely NC though.

No good will ever come from a relationship with someone like her.
People like her get away with being what they are by taking advantage of the decency, kindness and tolerance of others. They know they can tap into the guilt people feel to keep them on board.

She won't change. There will always be lies and drama.

I can't stress enough how much peace will descend in your mind and life if you distance yourself from her.

Should add, I have distanced myself from a family member like this. We communicate infrequently and always by email. The discussion is superficial and polite. If there is any attempt to 'draw me in to their life/drama I am just polite and gloss over things with a 'oohhh well it'll soon be Christmas and how is your cat?' It means that I don't have the burden of feeling I've gone no contact, but it gives me peace of mind.

Having to tolerate people like this is bad for your mental health, calm and self esteem.

Sounds like you got hit with narcissistic rage when you raised it before. Just step back and when asked, stick to what you’ve said here:

i hate being around liars and I have no time for relationship cheats.

Repeat until they leave you alone.

now I’m trying to extricate myself am being met with absolute denial and being told I’m making something out of nothing.

You met with rage. It's not nothing.
There's no point trying to reason with people like this and any attempt to smooth things over before you distance yourself will fail. They will always deny, always twist, always have their answer.

Thank you all for your response and sharing. I have neurological conditions which nobody in the family believes or accepts so I come across as ’the emotional one’ and a bit odd whereas she is a classic charmer, together and really good at deflecting so nobody sees the side I see, even the partner who’s been incredibly damaged worships her and sadly will always be there to take her crap and to defend her.
And it seems to be that those who have been hurt by her are easily manipulated and quick to forgive.
Ive walked on eggshells for years having seen her fly off the handle etc but i just can’t get behind it anymore, every interaction makes me feel nervous, especially because she knows I’ve seen through it all, I don’t trust a word she says, i can’t stand her sense of entitlement and I’m just on edge waiting for the hammer to fall on me again.

She sounds absolutely awful. The less time spent having anything to do with her, the better, and although it's tragic that others let her wipe her feet on them, it's good that you've seen how she operates and know to distance yourself for your peace of mind. The partner probably has their own deeply negative feelings about her that might not be revealed to anyone else. Narcs, if she is one, hate it when people see through their shtick.

Yes they do! It’s just so frustrating watching her ingratiate herself everywhere where she didn’t bother before as I distance myself at the same time , it just kind of leaves me looking and feeling like a bitter weirdo. I guess I need to stop caring about what others think of me because I’m not going to do any kind of expose’ , it’s not my style and revealing anything to back myself up will just keep me looking mad as she is so good at deflecting and twisting.
i need to distance myself literally and emotionally detach somehow

I think it's all about boundaries and what you're willing to tolerate.

My SiL recently told us she's leaving her husband and has been having an affair with her (married) boss since last year. DH's family are taking the line of "it's just nice to finally see her happy". I've lost all respect for her and would happily never see her again. This isn't an easy option however so my plan is to see her, be bare minimum polite but not engage with her beyond that. Like you OP, there are other behaviours I've always found unattractive with SiL and this was just the icing on the cake.

You'd be well within your rights to decide you don't want this family member in your life anymore, and also fine if you want to not go full on NC but consciously remove most of yourself from them.