How to stop feeling so jealous?

[Blimey97]

Name change because I'm embarrassed. So for the past few years I'm struggled with jealousy. My partner has a few female friends. There's one that I was jealous of in the past for so long and now I don't worry about her at all, for some reason. I just realised one day that I was being silly and there was nothing to be jealous of. Well now there's another friend (quite a few years younger than my partner) who I'm jealous of. The problem is he's given me no reason to suspect anything. No flirty messages, no weird comments, nothing. He respects her a lot and compliments her on her skills and talents, but that's about it.
But this friend is pretty, very talented, and much more energetic than me. So part of me worries that he could end up falling for someone like that over me. I know I'm insecure, but the issue I have is how do I get over this? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Therapy.

I am already having therapy, I'm sticking at it but I still haven't got over the jealousy unfortunately.

There’s always going to be prettier more talented more intelligent more whatever people.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

If it’s only other women who trigger jealousy and not men, you feel this way because you seem them as competition which is what needs to change.

There will always be someone younger prettier and smarter, however, remember you are younger prettier and smarter then someone else who may look at you and feel jealous.

Yeah I think that's the thing. I can't imagine anyone ever being jealous of me. I see myself as ordinary and untalented and even boring. I think maybe I need to focus on my own skills, get some hobbies, and maybe make a couple of friends to boost my self esteem. It's just so hard to change my opinion of myself and not compare myself to everyone I meet. Ugh!

It does sound like your self-esteem currently isn't too healthy which is maybe part of the reason why you are focused on this person in particular, as you have identified. I think taking some practical steps to make you feel happier in your own skin is definitely the way forward, use the energy that you are putting into your jealously into yourself instead. Make a list of short, medium and long term goals that you can aim for and each time the jealous feelings rise (is it jealousy or is it envy I wonder?) firmly turn your attention away from her and on to one of your goals instead.

I agree, keep doing therapy.
You can be the most beautiful, intelligent, accomplished, ... woman on Earth and still find something to be insecure about.

What it comes down to isn't that your boyfriend might leave you for someone else. You don't know that he will, and you don't know that he won't. Insecurity is part of life. Getting your heart broken is the risk we all take in the search for love. They go hand in hand. You can't open yourself up for real love and not be afraid to lose it.
What you need isn't not being confronted with women more beautiful than you. You don't need your boyfriend to stop having friends. You don't need to control a world which is inherently chaotic and inpredictable.
What you do need is trust in yourself that whatever life throws at you, you'll hurt, you'll get back up and you'll be okay. That this wouldn't be the end of the world, although you'll suffer for a while.

Life isn't about avoiding pain. It's about believing that you're strong enough to deal with the pain and come out stronger in the end.

This is great advice, thank you!

I think I've dealt with so much pain and loss in my life that I'm forever scared of getting hurt again. Being abandoned is a huge fear. But you're right, I can't be afraid of it so much that I'm willing to sabotage my own happiness.

Jealousy at its core is the fear of losing something to someone else. It's impossible to fix jealousy itself, you need to get to the root core of the problem and fix that.

You're jealous because you believe there's a good chance you're going to lose your husband to someone else. The reason for that will be one of two.

Either: -
he's giving you indications that he's likely to cheat,
or you don't think you're good enough to keep him.

Judging by your posts its the second one. You need to figure out how to improve your own self-worth, to accept that you're someone worthy of loving and staying in a relationship with. That's what you need to focus on in therapy.

You're welcome - wishing you lots of luck, it is genuinely amazing the difference that a bit of a boost to self-confidence can do.

Working on your self esteem is the way forward.

Have you met this person and spent time with them together that might also help.

I can see where your coming fromthough I'd probably be jealous of my husband spending lots of time with and talking highly of a younger hot woman, don't be embarrassed it can happen to any of us.

Is this a new friend?

Personally I don't see why a man with a girlfriend should be making bew female friends. Fair enough if she's just an acquaintance in a group scenario but what do you mean he's complimenting her?

It's not jealousy to find that shit uncomfortable and inappropriate btw.

We're conditioned to accept the bare minimum from men it seems. I don't go out and make new guy friends when I'm in a relationship. It's disrespectful. So why the fuck would I tolerate it in a partner? I bet if the shoe were on the other foot he'd have none of it! And rightly so.

They wouldnt fall for anyone new if they weren't deliberately going out of their way to meet and hang around with them in the first place.

Your partner is letting you down and yet you're convinced you're the issue!

It's not jealousy, it's insecurity because your partner has zero moral fibre.

Yes, I've met her. Tbh there was nothing to worry about because she just spoke to my partner as you would a friend. She made conversation with me too. I should clarify he doesn't spend lots of time with her. He knows her through a shared hobby. They spend maybe an hour/1.5 hours together a week usually.

This is based on absolutely zero evidence from the OP. Her boyfriend complimenting a female friend on her skills or talents is a completely ordinary thing to do. We all admire impressive things our friends do. And only on Mn do people appear to enter an implicit agreement to never make new opposite-sex friends again once in a relatiinship. Which makes it unsurprising that so many of them are chronically lonely.

It’s pretty clear that the OP’s self-esteem is low, and that she has an ingrained fear of abandonment. These are things she needs to work on in therapy, rather than blame other people

Yep, I agree with you. I know it's my own self esteem issues causing this. This is a friend he has had for a few years, and it's only through a shared hobby. He used to only see her occasionally but now he sees her a bit more as she's able to attend the hobby more often. He doesn't meet up with her for a drink or a meal or anything, so deep down I know I have nothing to worry about. It's just the whole comparison thing that I struggle with.

Gently, you’re the only one making the ‘comparison’. And your negative beliefs about yourself are warping this comparison. Working on improving your self-esteem will help you stop applying arbitrary ‘tests’ to yourself (‘Am I as interesting as X?’) and failing them.

I would feel uncomfortable too?

What's the age gap, usually in this situation the guy has a crush and the younger woman is totally unaware.

I agree with this. My boyfriend doesn't have any friends that are girls that he exclusively hangs out with and visa Versa... We are late 40's so maybe it's a generational thing

I agree with@pinkbonbon. There is a reason he is friending younger and pretty women at best its an ego boost at worst it will become an emotional/physical relationship. I bet he's not befriending plain girls. Your feelings are screaming at you that you feel threatened. You need to listen to them. You do not need self improvement you need to examine your relationship and ask what is my partner getting from these 'friendships' and where do I stand with this?

I feel like this went in a different direction. The woman he has befriended IS plain. She doesn't dress up and wear lots of makeup etc. My jealousy is based on self esteem issues, I know that. I don't think it's wrong to have friends of the opposite sex, I was just asking for advice on how to control my jealousy so it doesn't affect my relationship.

Thing is you can’t control who answers and you have people responding who have the same issue, and worse than you do, but who think it’s acceptable. Which is throwing the thread.

keep on with the therapy, and it’s great you recognise the issue, that’s a huge plus, as you can see from the comments, not everyone is as self aware.

I'm bisexual. Should I not make any new friends at all? Do I have zero moral fibre just because I've started hanging out with a guy I met at football or is it only a problem if it's a woman.

Bloody ridiculous.

Absolutely. And no one ever comes up with an answer to this, any time anyone bi poses this perfectly valid question on these kinds of threads. Clearly you are either (1) imaginary, like unicorns, in which case your friendships don’t matter, or (2) should just accept that, once coupled up, you should be locked in a box and not see anyone other than your partner/spouse.

I can only imagine the people who think opposite-sex friendships, particularly new ones, have no place in a relationship or marriage, are hyper-sexual individuals who simply cannot conceive of thinking of any opposite-sex individual in terms other than having sex with them. Like the Saudi laws that cannot conceive of an unrelated man and woman sharing a lift, office or taxi without leaping onto one another and ripping one another’s clothes off.

I agree, my partner and I are both bisexual, should we lock ourselves away and never see anyone rise ever?

its perfectly normal to make new friends of either sex while in a relationship, it isn’t an inherent moral failing. That’s just a weird regressive opinion some people on mumsnet have.

OP well done for recognising your issue and seeking therapy and having self-insight about it.