Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage WWYD?

13 replies

jojogoesbust · 01/10/2024 13:07

Hi all. i have been with current DP 18 months. We have an excellent relationship. I am divorced, with 2 DC 20 and 14. He has no DC, never been married. We have spoken about marriage as as much as my 1st marriage failed i still believe in at ultmiately its what i want.

He has been on his own a while, and has stated he does now wish to get married. His DS confirmed this in a conversation recently between her and me. She said he's the happiest he has ever been but he won't ever marry. I have no reason why.

My BF says i have to ask him and be prepared for an answer i dont want. Do i walk away or compromise if he says no

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2024 15:16

I think if I was you I’d really seriously think about why it is that you would want to be married. Are you planning on having children together? How old are you both? Do either of you own property etc? Do you have equal incomes? Do you live together?

Girlmom35 · 01/10/2024 15:30

He is being as clear as he could possibly be. Believe him.
The question is, why do you feel like you'd want to throw the relationship away if marriage isn't an option? What does marriage mean to you?
Is it a spiritual/religious thing?
Something you'd do because you feel it's expected of you?
Is it the committment to each other, professing your love in front of everyone you know?
Is it a wedding, or a marriage that you want? And why?
Is it a practical thing, with property and inheritance?

aCatCalledFawkes · 01/10/2024 15:36

What difference do you think Marriage will make when it sounds like you already have a great relationship?

Marriage isn't something everyone wants or aspires too, some people are just happy to not be married but still capable of being in a committed relationship.

ForPearlViper · 01/10/2024 15:37

Is not getting married a deal breaker for you with this relationship? That's what you need to decide. Is it worth ruining a relationship?

You then need an honest conversation with your partner but you need to think about what the response would be, how you'll feel about it and what you'll then do.

You need to understand why you feel you need to be married so that you can explain it to him properly. If he's unwilling to tie the knot there are other ways of ensuring you get financial and legal security you might want in the future. If it's for religious or perceived status reasons, that's different.

You need to decide if this is the hill you want what sounds like a good relationship to die on.

Cheesandcrackers · 01/10/2024 18:02

A reluctant husband is rarely a good one.

OrdsallChord · 01/10/2024 19:51

Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2024 15:16

I think if I was you I’d really seriously think about why it is that you would want to be married. Are you planning on having children together? How old are you both? Do either of you own property etc? Do you have equal incomes? Do you live together?

Same. Marriage can be a significant change to one's legal position, and when there are DC from a previous relationship it's a complicating factor.

Ukhotelsareshit · 01/10/2024 20:35

By DS do you mean his sister? If so, frankly. What does she know?
When I met my now dh he was VERY clear he didn’t want to marry again, he’d been married before, burned financially and emotionally, blah blah. Fine by me. I’d also been married before and had literally zero desire to do it again. His sister told me “he’d never marry me so I was wasting my time”. She is not a nice woman so I ignored her, plus, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to get married. Ever again.
We lived together very happily for 4 years….then he produced the ring 🤦‍♀️ It was a very nice ring, so I took it and thought we would just have a 20 year engagement! After a further two years though, he definitely wanted to get married. So did I as it happened, so we did. His sister had a face like a slapped arse through the whole ceremony. We’ve now been married almost 20 years!
18 months is no time at all (if my dh had asked me to marry him in that time I absolutely would have said no and actually if I had asked him in that time he’d have said no too!) the sister is irrelevant, if he’s a decent, loyal, honest man, I’d give him some time.

Original poster
jojogoesbust · 02/10/2024 13:36

Thanks all. I don't think i want to lose him but marriage is important to me. I think i need to know where our future lies.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/10/2024 13:59

jojogoesbust · 02/10/2024 13:36

Thanks all. I don't think i want to lose him but marriage is important to me. I think i need to know where our future lies.

But why is marriage important to you OP? Is it a religious thing, a security thing?

People have asked if you one/both own property, have assets, savings, equal incomes etc. Those things are relevant when thinking about marriage.

Original poster
jojogoesbust · 02/10/2024 14:22

Mrsttcno1 · 02/10/2024 13:59

But why is marriage important to you OP? Is it a religious thing, a security thing?

People have asked if you one/both own property, have assets, savings, equal incomes etc. Those things are relevant when thinking about marriage.

Show quote history

Hello i think i am quite a insecure person and marriage means security for me. Although ExH cheated throughout 1st marriage, so wasnt a difference for him.
I just know this one is my person and i would love to marry him. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
jojogoesbust · 02/10/2024 14:24

Oh and also he own his own house, i rent. In terms of earnings etc we both earn the same. I would say he is better off than me but im not interested in his money

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/10/2024 14:30

jojogoesbust · 02/10/2024 14:24

Oh and also he own his own house, i rent. In terms of earnings etc we both earn the same. I would say he is better off than me but im not interested in his money

Maybe this is his concern then. He has a property, he has more money, bigger pension, maybe savings, and in the event of a divorce that could all end up up for grabs even if you say now you’re not interested in his money.

Really the biggest thing a marriage gives is joint/marital finances and assets. When there are children involved on one side and the other person has assets etc already there is really no benefit to him from marrying, it keeps things separate.

As you know from your first marriage, marrying someone isn’t a guarantee of security, all it really means is its more expensive to split up.

Original poster
jojogoesbust · 02/10/2024 14:32

Mrsttcno1 · 02/10/2024 14:30

Maybe this is his concern then. He has a property, he has more money, bigger pension, maybe savings, and in the event of a divorce that could all end up up for grabs even if you say now you’re not interested in his money.

Really the biggest thing a marriage gives is joint/marital finances and assets. When there are children involved on one side and the other person has assets etc already there is really no benefit to him from marrying, it keeps things separate.

As you know from your first marriage, marrying someone isn’t a guarantee of security, all it really means is its more expensive to split up.

Show quote history

Thank you for your input. I guess he does have more to lose. And i dont want another failed marriage tbh. He did say he wasnt worried about money

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread