Seeking some help

[JamieKnight]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask for advice (especially as a man), however I’m not sure where else to go and so am chancing putting something on here so please be kind. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have two kids. I love her deeply, but I’m increasingly frustrated by the lack of effort she puts into our relationship. We’ve drifted further apart, and she’s not interested in counselling or talking about things. I’m always the one planning date nights, initiating closeness without sex, and trying to get her to open up, even just to have conversations about anything.
When I do manage to get her to talk honestly about us, which is a struggle because she hates serious conversations and pushes back harshly, she tells me she loves me and wants to stay married but has zero sex drive. I’ve started to accept this, though it’s not easy, as I do have a sex drive and am a lot more open about things. Beyond the lack of sex, I don’t feel loved, desired, or even respected sometimes.
I miss the intimacy we once shared, like kissing, exploring new things together, and giving her pleasure. On the rare occasions she has tried to be intimate she’s often dry during sex and feels sore after just a few minutes but is reluctant to seek treatment leaving me aroused and ignored as she rolls over to sleep. I appreciate she may be hitting peri-menopause, however this feels like something more. I work long hours, and my life has become a cycle of work and taking care of my family. Sometimes, I wonder if this is all I have to look forward to.
I require more physical intimacy and I’m seeking solutions to rekindle our connection that don’t involve divorce as I love her deeply and also don’t want to break up my family. I’m really looking for some ideas and really open to any suggestions.

She has no libido and there isn't much you can do about that. I would either accept celibacy or leave. It sounds like you're just housemates anyway and she has no interest in the relationship.

If she wanted to rekindle the physical side and address her low libido then hrt / oestrogen cream and lube could help, but it sounds like she isn't wanting that back and so you have to have a frank discussion about why that is and talk about what you can do to feel loved and respected (that doesn't necessarily involve sex) while you both figure out a way forwards.

It sounds like you need a really serious ‘state of the nation’ discussion. Can you have a weekend away somewhere, DC to grandparents etc and make time and space to really talk it through?

Tell her what you’ve told us, that you love her deeply but that you’re unhappy with the way things are and that you don’t think she’s very happy either and that you want to work together to make it better. You might need to very patiently tease out what’s going on with her sex drive…is it that she never wants it at all and isn’t bothered by that or does she want to want it but just doesn’t? The dryness and soreness can probably be fairly easily dealt with with non prescription lube etc and it’s definitely worth a trip to the chemist for that, but it does seem like there’s more to this. Does she hold some resentment towards you for something in the past that she’s finding it hard to move on from? Have you been around and supportive when the DC were little and now? ( Not suggesting you weren’t but sometimes the case). Is she feeling happy and fulfilled in her life in general or are there issues with work or her career or her life with the DC? Is she confident in herself or has her self image taken a hit for some reason? Has she got other peri symptoms? Did she enjoy sex in the past? If so think back to when the change started - what was going on with you both then? Sometimes these things start out as a fairly minor thing but become hard to turn around and more so as time goes on. I think you can’t properly address the situation until you really understand her thinking. You might need to be very clear with her that you want to hear whatever it it she wants to say, however hard it might be to hear. I think it’s the only way you’re going to make progress because at the moment you’re only guessing at what the real issues are. You’re understandably seeing sex as the main issue, but it may well just be a symptom of another issue that needs dealing with first…

I’m a fairly optimistic person and tend to think that if both parties are at least willing to try there’s every chance you can turn it around. You might need some outside help though like couples counselling. And you do both need to be willing to put the effort in.