Several times a cheater, always a cheater?

[eggybreadandbeans]

I'm curious to know what the odds are of someone who has been repeatedly unfaithful throughout a long relationship, repeating this pattern in any future relationship(s). What do you reckon?

so high as to amount to near certainty (unless previous owner has done a bobbit)

I reckon that they'll never change

why would someone like that change / want to change?
dont you think that sort of behaviour shows someone addicted to the thrill of it all, the excitment and the deception etc? like any addiction it would be v v hard to stop.

it would depend on the reasons behind it.if they were with the wrong person/not in love but didnt have the balls to end it so just went behind their back,but is now with somebody they love and respect,then they probably wont cheat.

I feel bad admitting this but when I was in my only other long term relationship from the ages of 18-21 I cheated on my partner several times. Never an emotional 'affair' and never actually went as far as sleeping with anyone else but I did kiss several other men. It was 'easy' because I moved away to go to college.

I can honestly say that I have never done this to DH and it has never even crossed my mind to want to.

I am ashamed about my behaviour when younger but in hindsight I don't think I really loved my partner and was too immature to be in a serious relationship.

In this kind of situation I do believe change is poosible because I am living proof. I would be wary though.

Hmm. Interesting. I can see how both perspectives could be true. If someone is truly a sex addict, they're not likely to stop being one without major intervention. If someone isn't that in love with their partner and/or is immature, I can see that with advancing maturity and the right partner, infidelity would be a lot less likely.

I can't decide in which camp the person I have in mind is.

Such a person needs to be force-read a copy of The Ethical Slut by Easton and Lizt until he/she understands that he/she is simply not monogamous and should stop trying to be. It's not wrong to refuse monogamy, monogamy is not compulsory and acting like it is does a lot of damage. This is the sort of damage it does: the person who is not monogamous gets coaxed or nagged into a monogamous relationship, doesn't like it, has sex elsewhere, aggro all round - far better to celebrate the fact that monogamy is not what you want, make it clear to any prospective sexual partners (short or long term) that monogamy is not on offer and never going to be, and enjoy life.

Interesting, madamez. Thanks for that. Also probably better that they don't propose to said longterm partner, with whom they're supposedly monogamous with, I would say. They are adament they want a new partner, and more children, but are not sure they can be faithful. How does being non-monogomous fit with family?

Good post Madamez.

I think, though with no personal experience whatsoever, that in an open relationship where everyone was clear about the agreed acceptable behaviours having a family would be perfectly possible.

I imagine the problem comes when one person is expecting monogamy and the other isn't.

There are all sorts of families though and a surprising number of variations can work very successfully.

EBB, well there are families where the parents are not in monogamous relationships and they work just fine. As long as everyone knows the score and no one is saying one thing and doing another, there's no more likelihood of trouble than in any other relationship (Note: ethical open relationships don't protect against rows about housework and finances any more than monogamous ones do )

Depends on the reasons why they cheated and how ie was it an affair or just sex with random people etc.

Sex with random people, madamez is correct, their just not cut out for one person, they get bored and need excitement, enjoy the chase etc. Two people like this can have relationship together as long as they are clear for the reasons why they need other people and remain emotionally faithful to each other.

Its the lying that affairs involve which is the big problem. I really do truly believe once the door is unlocked it is always left slightly open. Doesn't mean their going to do anything again but the possibility is always at the back of their mind.

For some people its just any excuse.
There's no hope if thats the case. Until they realise how undignified it really is.

What about if said person already has a child and, in a flurry of infidelity, has left the child's mother, with whom they had a long, supposedly monogamous relationship - and is unprepared to try reconciliation because they would be expected to be faithful?

Essentially, the potential polyamorous realisation has occurred too late and a child is involved - the unethical slut. Is it still OK for them to say, look, this is just how I am and I need to sleep around - bye - or once you have kids, does an obligation kick in to try to be loyal to one's non-polyamorous partner of many years?

Sad, eh?

My dp has been married twice before from when he was 20 until i met him and he was 40, in this time he had countless affairs, however i trust him completely in our relationship.

How come, olivia? Not saying you shouldn't; just curious as to why you do. Why do you think he was repeatedly unfaithful before, but not now? Thanks.

With his first wife they were both unfaithfull to each other, the second wife they both admit that they stayed together out of habit rather than affection. There were no children from either of these marriages.
We have been together for nearly 5 years and are expecting dc4. He doesn't want to go out without me or the dc's if we have the free time,money,babysitter we want to be together rather than have seperate nights out etc. He doesn't have the time for an affair either, and he swore to me when we got together he would never cheat on me and i believe him. He says he has far to much to lose with me.
I was unfaithfull to almost all of my boyfriends until my xp did it to me when i was pg then i realised the hurt it caused and have never cheated since. I think this is how he feels with me.