I need help please. I'm 45 and have a lifetime of an acrimonious relationship with my Mother. It's all blown up today and she's stooped to a level I never thought she would go to. I feel very suicidal and I just need advice.
I'll try to cut it short, basically my Mother has always been a very selfish person, what she wants and needs comes before anything else. If she doesn't want something or doesn't need it, then she's less selfish. My sister and I grew up knowing that my Mother lied to others and made up stories, mostly to better herself in others eyes, but some were nonsensical too. My sister always covers for her, even though she knew Mum was lying, she would back her up. Mum has always used her mood swings to gain things for herself. To live with her you learn its easier to give her what she wants, rather than having to deal with her moods of rage or even worse crying and feeling sorry for herself. I learnt at a young age, to buy her stuff to keep her moods even. My dear Dad (now deceased) got into debt, buying her stuff that he couldn't afford, like new open planned stairs and faux fur coats, to name a couple. Mum also treated my Dad appallingly and spoke degradingly about him to everyone in the family. My Dad was a kind and good man, but he would never stand against her, he loved her despite her being awful to him; she even weaponised my sister and turned her against my Dad, so that when mum was in a mood with dad, she would step back and my sister would fight him - sometimes this literally ended in fisticuffs. They ganged up on him and as my sister and I were only teens, me being 4 years younger, there was nothing I could do. I remember being so upset, how could they treat my Dad like this?
All through my teen years I rebelled against my Mum for all the lies and stories she used to tell, it really mentally affected me and when I spoke the truth, my sister would back up my mum and I looked like the liar. I didn't do anything wild, but I distanced myself from my family a lot and found solace in doing things freely on my own, although I felt lonely a lot of the time. I had no friends as my mum didn't like any of them, except one girl who she made it clear she wished was her daughter and not me; my mum always made my friends feel awkward and to my friends it was evident she didn't like them, so they stopped coming around. Mum also told people that my sister was not only a daughter but a friend too. Mum would take an opportunity to divulge my inner secrets to anyone that would listen, from telling everyone that I had the starting of bulimia to embarrassingly announcing at a large family Christmas with aunts and cousins, that I am conscious about top lip hair! At 14 I could have died!
At around 22 years old, I rented my own flat in another town where most of my outer family lived. My Mum was so awful to me, she wouldn't help me with anything, although because my sister and dad helped me move in, she made a token effort to help with that, but as soon as my stuff was in, she made them leave, no cup of tea or nothing. When she visited her father in the road next to mine, she wouldn't visit me and made sure my Dad and Sister didn't either. I was so alone. My sister has never left home, my mum made it so bad when I left, I don't think my sister could stand the guilt of leaving. My Dad just followed whatever my mum told him, I think he just wanted a quiet life.
A time later, I met my current partner. He is a lot older than me by 24 years, at this point she turned really nasty. My mum turned my whole family against me, going around telling lies and making up stories, no one spoke to me and even to this day, they still believe the stories. My Mum stopped talking to me and even stopped my Dad and Sister. I was in Asda one time and they walked straight by me. I had done nothing wrong! My partner was my first boyfriend and I wanted to talk to my mum about sex and things, but she wasn't there for me - I don't know why I expected her to be. My mum made sure no one in my family acknowledged me or my partner, I think she loved people feeling sorry for her and giving her attention - my mum lives for attention from others, she makes sure to be loud and noticed when she goes out - in a flirty with everyone way, not a drunk hooligan way. I've been with my partner for 20 years now and whilst it's unconventional, it really works for us both.
About 5 years into my relationship, through different avenues, I managed to patch things a bit and got her to meet my partner, it went ok. I wanted my family back as I had no one apart from my partner. Over the next year's we had odd arguments, but we lived separately so I didn't have to conform or toady to her attention seeking and lies and story telling. We rubbed along mostly.
I'm 2022, due to housing costs rising and my Dad passing, we decided to move in together into her rental house. (we had to sell our family home to pay for my Dad's care) It was a complete nightmare! I had forgotten how devious and irrational she was, she also resented me having any say in anything to do with the house, but as we were paying half the rent, I feel we were entitled to. Things like we couldn't cut a bush back without her permission, her cleaning was very subpar and she took offense when I cleaned... Everything possible she took offense to and got in a mood of not talking for days on end or continually cried and told my sister stories that were not true. Mum was even worse with her lies and stories and the passive aggression went to whole other levels. We moved to a bigger rental in 2023 and as we had our own areas, we've had a few rows but mostly rubbed along and avoided each other.
Fast forward to now. We are looking at buying a house together as the rental situation is so precarious now. My partner is putting down all the deposit as a 'gift' and my sister and I will own the house and pay the mortgage. Friday morning I went into my mum's room, paid her a compliment on her hair and make up (compliments put her in a good mood and I was hoping for a day of even moods) then she said 'I don't know what to do today, I think I might pack the lounge sofa cushions' , I said 'I wouldn't do that as we've got 8 weeks until we move and we might want to sit down on them', I then said 'why don't you pack the kitchen up' as she's been meaning to do it for a while now. Mum replied 'I'll do it Monday when there are less people in the house' fair enough I thought, but I could see she was spoiling for something, so I said 'why don't you pack up your dressing table drawers and clean them, then we can get them listed to sell' she looked down at the floor and then back at me and said 'the money will be mine won't it? as I bought them with my money', I replied 'no it will go into the house pot, which is only fair as my partner is buying us a free house' (a bit of back story, my partner is paying for the removals, the deposit, the solicitor, the rics survey etc. My sister has paid half for the mortgage advisor and half for the moving insurance. My partner got an inheritance recently and my mum and sister have no savings. My sister has A good salary, my mum is retired). My mum waited a couple of seconds and then turned to me and said, 'so I'm a freeloader now is that what you're saying?' I replied calmly 'that's not what I said, those are your words not mine, I said he's buying us a free house'. I added 'It's the right and good thing to do, to give the money to my partner as he's paying all the costs'. She then got really angry and started saying 'You're calling me a freeloader' which I didn't and told her so! I got up and walked away as I can't fight against made up lies that she has convinced herself of and she was looking for an argument. I went straight away and told my sister what had been said, she then spoke to my mother who told her a whole different story. She told my sister that I had actually called her a freeloader! It's a word that isn't even in my vocabulary! I should add here, that my partner's and my stuff for moving would get on a 7.5ton lorry, my mum's and sisters will need the massive removal lorry plus the 7.5ton! They hoard and just keep buying more and more clothes! so the removal costs of £4,500 is three quarters theirs! Wouldn't a normal person think that any spare money should go to their own moving costs?! No she wants to buy more clothes, she's been itching to for weeks. Mum already has two large wardrobes and stacks of large boxes and suitcases in storage full of clothes, she doesn't need more - especially not for my partner to have to pay to move them!
This morning my sister texts to say she's paid my partner £500. I ask why and she says it's part payment of the moving costs. I get so angry that this is my mother's doing! My sister cannot afford £500 but because she believes my mother she feels she has to find money. I storm into my mother's room and ask her why she is lying, she continues to double down with the lie. I shouted to my sister that she knows I never lie, Infact my worst trait is blunt honesty! I shout back at my mother 'why are you lying, it's to save yourself' I then swore on my deceased soulmate cats that my word is the truth - I'm trying to save my relationship with my sister as when my mum and partner go, each other is all we will have. My mother then swears on her deceased mother and her alive cats life (supposed to be her soulmate cat) that she is telling the truth! I know this is immature, but I had to somehow show that I am not lying, my mother is. To us, swearing on deceased or alive loved ones is sacrosanct. After a lot of shouting and rage, my sister believes my Mother again.
After everything my mother has ever done to my Dad and I, I really never believed that she would sink as low as this. To follow through on a lie to the extent that you swear to it on something that you are supposed to love beyond all else and her deceased mother who she reveres like a saint - I just can't process it! It feels like my structure of good and bad has been blown apart. I could never lie or swear on a loved one if it wasn't true, it feels next to being a murderer to me. I also feel that my truthful character has been assassinated in one go, but I am telling the absolute truth, she and I both know it, but she will hold the lie forever now. I could never believe that my own mother could be so morally wrong, the person that even now I would have trusted to do the right thing, she carries on with the lie which has driven my sister and I apart.... It's no secret that she doesn't love me or even like me, I challenge her facade too much, I won't conform like my sister. It feels evil, I don't know what to do... I know I've buried my head in the same where she is concerned, I shouldn't have invested my heart of invested in any hope of her being the person is like a mother to be.
If you've made it this far, thank you. I'm not sure what should be my next steps. Do my partner and I pull out of buying the house? The trouble is I'm not working and he is now retired. We only have enough money to get a small 1 bed flat in Lincolnshire, we are currently in sussex. We don't know anyone in Lincolnshire. Do we carry on with the house and just avoid each other as much as possible or do I just end of all now? There doesn't seem much future ahead either way.