Don’t think I’m looking for advice necessarily, perhaps reassurance I’m doing the right thing? (Sorry it’s a bit long to explain).
Recently separated. H had an affair two years ago. I found out, he became mentally unwell, we tried to fix it. He eventually left.
We didn’t tell the kids (young adults, still at home) about the affair to start with, we told them about 5 months before he eventually left. They were amazing. Very supportive, especially to me but also did their best to help their dad out of the hole he’d dug himself into. Their relationship is not quite on a thread but it certainly needs work. He tries but is still very much all about him and his own little bubble and he drinks too much which makes it all worse.
H’s BiL had an affair years ago when his children were little. His wife (H’s sister) moved out with the kids for a while but 20 years later they are still together.
My DD asked me if their children know what happened. I don’t think they do. DD said she would be so upset and mad if she didn’t know that about her parents.
My dilemma is that when my children were 5 and 7 my H had an affair. It was all by phone and email but when I found out they were in the process of planning to meet up in a hotel. It ended, we moved on.
I have never told my kids about this. Even since his recent affair I have chosen not to tell them about the one when they were young. Their childhood memories of him would be totally shattered and I think it would be the end of any real relationship repair now.
I’m sure I’m doing the right thing by not telling them but DD has made it very clear that she would want to know. I know he has brought all this on himself but I’m not sure he’d ever recover. I think I’m trying to protect him as well as the children…