Advice on how to help DD as she utterly hates her father.

[KopyKatz]

DD is primary school age, not old enough to have her views listened to by the court but old enough to articulate what she's feeling clearly.

She has one night of every other weekend contact with her father which she hates. She's refusing to go now so overnight contact has stopped despite it being court ordered. I still make her available for the contact but I never force her and I leave it up to her father to convince her which he does not.

DD has been disclosing physical and emotional abuse by her father and I have taken steps to take the matter back to Court for variation of the order. We have a hearing in a few weeks. We have police and social care now involved too.

Today I came across some of DDs drawings where she writes about how much she hates her daddy and how he makes her sad.

She's been articulating to her teachers how sad seeing him makes her and has told school some of the awful things he's been doing.

I'm worried about DD, I've arranged a counsellor to visit her at school but I also want to help her navigate her feelings. Tonight she has told me she cannot wait for him to die. She often asks me how old does she need to be for the Judge to listen to her (I explained what Court and a Judge were to her as she previously blamed me for sending her to contact). She often tells me that as soon as she's that age she will tell him she will never want to see him again..

Fwiw, I never invalidate her feelings and tell her she can tell me anything and I'll always listen and advise her. But I am worried, her father's counter allegation is parental alienation as DD was previously having supervised contact which was largely positive. Once it moved to overnights that's where the problems emerged. I've raised all of her allegations to either the police, social care or cafcass.. there are multiple investigations happening.

I just want to help her navigate her feelings but I'm also worried about being accused of parental alienation. Fwiw, her father is a domestic abuser. He has also abused DD since she was little but the court believed his fake remorse and pushed it to unsupervised contact..its now destroyed his relationship with her irrevocably.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you help your child navigate their hate towards their father?.

You're doing what you need to do. I very much doubt anyone (but her father) would accuse of you of parental alienation when she's articulating how she feels and why. It's clearly not about anything you said to her but about what he does that she has firsthand experience in.

Thank you. I know all I can do is be there for her x

Sorry to hear this. You mention that the court "believed his remorse" - was there actually a finding of fact as to abuse? Seems very odd. Do you have a lawyer?
Meanwhile in terms of helping your DD the counselling sounds like a great idea.

Keep the pictures, ask the counsellor to feedback to you and the school with any concerns, have counselling yourself to help you and ask her to speak to teachers with her worries. Professionals can be her voice in court too and I would get that help before going back to court.
Last year my 16yr old had counselling and I had it too to cope with the low place she was feeling in which was bringing me down. It helped being able to talk to the same counsellor she had and with permission she helped mediate between us.

What’s odd? family court is often like this. They will push contact and accept apologies from abused. It’s not odd at all.

Wasn't asking for your speculation, was asking OP about the facts.

@KopyKatz I am in a similar situation.

I have got a wishes and feelings assessment from the school. My plan is to offer mediation (he will refuse), and then apply to the family court to get a child's guardian appointed, and for her wishes and feelings to be heard. I am planning to also ask for indirect contact only until this matter is sorted. There's no parental alienation and 100% of what she says is coming from her, not me. I think if I apply to court first (before he does), it will not only show that I am willing to get this sorted, but that I am not afraid for the child to be assessed as I am confident that there is no alienation. And by suggesting indirect contact it shows that I am willing to support some for of contact (instead of no contact), while respecting her wishes.

How did you get a counsellor to visit her in school? Am I right to think that we need to go to Family Court first, and they will then get CAFCASS and social services involved? Or we can get them involved before even it reaching the court?

I'm sorry to say. Absolutely none of what you are saying or think you're doing to show willing will matter in the family court.

None.

Maybe not. But I hope the court will see for themselves, and that her wishes and feelings will be heard.

Good luck! 🤞🏽