Would you speak to me?... (sorry, war and peace epic)...

[RaspberrySheep]

Hello everybody, this is my first post and I hope that I am not being too insensitive by asking this question.
To set the scene, in 2001 my father committed suicide and shortly after I was relocated through work 400 miles away from my family. I was grief stricken by my Dad's death as he was one of my best friends and I was also very lonely as I had moved to a remote part of the country rather than be made redundant. To cut a very long story a bit shorter, I spent all my spare time alone but then a work colleague offered to show me around the area and offered me a shoulder to cry on. It was so good just to have a friend to speak to, but we soon started an affair, which is something that I am completely ashamed of. I fell pregnant and the relationship ended. My 'ExP' told his wife and she was devastated. I now have an amazing 5 year old son, who my whole world revolves around. My 'ExP' decided that he never wanted to have anything to do with my DS and has stuck to his decision, to the point where he does not allow his parents to see my DS either. It was hard at first but I now accept ExP's decision and have quite a content life with just myself and my DS. ExP has actually turned out to be a bit of a rat - after me he left his wife for another lady who he now plans to marry. To get to the point, although I never regret having my DS, I always regret how much I hurt his wife. I feel so selfish for the time that I spent with him that he should have been with her. They had a DD together who was 4 years old at the time of our affair and now having a child myself I realise how much pain I must have caused both his wife and DD. His wife has never met anybody else and neither have I, although I have recently heard that her DD often asks about my DS, as she has always wanted a little brother and my DS asks about her too. I have often thought about contacting ExP's wife to apologise for what I have done, although I understand that an apology will not make up for anything. Nearly 7 years have passed and I know I have no right to disrupt her life again or cause any more upset, but I would love to try to explain or at least apologise for what happend and maybe offer our children the opportunity to get to know each other, I have been very selfish I know and I just hoped that something good could come out of this mess. Does the pain of an affair get easier over time? I am prepared for her to tell me to fanjo off and I wouldn't blame her but madly enough, a part of me hopes that one day we can be civil to each other? Am I being very stupid? Thank you.

I don't think you are being stupid. You both seem to have been treated badly by the same man, and both have small children by him.
I think it's worth a try-- it might work out it might not, but at least you have given it a whirl.

Just be realistic basically. And good luck

It's a nice thought.

It sounds as though you were going through a lot of heart ache and sadness when you met this man. He took advantage of you, you were vulnerable and he should have known better. You are both better off without him in my opinion. Maybe she can see this, maybe she won't. You shouldn't feel bad about what has happened. You can't change the past but you are able to shape your future. If this is what you want to do then go for it. If you never try you will never know. Just remember that she may not feel the same.

blimey this is some first post. Now I'm sitting here really trying to put myself in the shoes of his xwife and wondering what I would feel about this suggestion. It may still be a very raw wound for this lady. Of course you would be incredibly tactful. A letter outlining it all might be a good opener.

Do you already have some contact with her through a friend? Is this how you know about her dd's desire to see your son?

Be prepared for a harsh knockback - but you never know, over time she may come round to the idea of you and your ds.

As avnanap says, I guess you can never have a clue how she'll respond - you don't know where she's at/what he told her at the time. But otoh, you haven't really got anything to lose, & if it worked out, it could be a really nice connection for your ds.

Defn worth trying (& good on you for wanting to apologise )

Have you thought about how you'd go about it (letter?)

Thanks Bluejelly, yes, he did us both a favour by going off with somebody else, it took a while for me to realise and I hope his ex wife will one day see that she is better off without him too, if she doesn't already. Thanks for being so kind, I was preparing to get a few harsh comments, understandably so. Think I will e-mail her as the she could choose to ignore it if she doesn't want to make contact with me.

I don't think that you deserve any harsh comments, as I said, you must have been very vulnerable and he took advantage of you. Write her a letter rather then an email. She can't get an email back if she decided she does not want to read it!

Sorry avenanap, elephantsbreath and mybest friend, as you can probably tell, I am a slow typer!! I was thinking of e-mailing, although I only have a work's e-mail address, so I won't put anything too heavy in the first e-mail. I don't know her and wouldn't recognise her if we passed in the street, she lives in a neighbouring town. I heard through our ExP that their DD was asking about my DS. Another strange thing about ExP - He will speak to me, by e-mail, when it suits him (which isn't very often), but will not speak to or see our DS at all. Usually it's the Ex wanting to speak to the children and not their ExP's! I haven't spoken to him for a long time, but the last time he e-mailed he mentioned it. I am trying to think what's best for our children and think it would be nice if they knew each other as I don't think there will be anymore children from any of us for a while. My DS was 'lucky' as he never knew his dad, but the poor DD had to go through all the upset of her dad walking out on her. Having a child now makes me realise how painful it must have been for them I gather that his ex wife is a geniune, friendly person but maybe not with me, which I would understand.

Give it a try. If you have a works email then this should tell you where she works. You could send it there. It would be nice for the children, people sometimes forget about them. He sounds like a to**er. You could try sending her an email with your contact details then see what happens.

Yes, I really wasn't thinking straight at the time avenanap, hindsight is a wonderful thing! You're right, a letter may be the best way rather than an inpersonal e-mail. Maybe if I get a card and hand write a letter, she may think that at least I've put some effort into it. Thanks for being so understanding everybody, I really appreciate everybody's advice and have been encouraged to try to make contact.

At least you know now. Some women never find out.
Let me know how it goes .

How do you explain to your ds that his dad doesn't want to see him? Do you think it might dig up stuff if your Exp sees his dd but not your ds?

I hope this works out for you, but don't be too disappointed if it doesn't. She may still blame you for a horrible time in her life, though it seems like you regret what happened. I think he took advantage of you at a time when you were in need.

Xx

Thanks avenanap, I will deffo let you know what happens.

My DS has never really questioned why his dad doesn't see him because he has never met him so it's always been this way for him, although it was difficult when he first started school and asked why his dad never picked him up from school like the other dads did. I took him to play football on a Saturday morning because I didn't want him to miss out and I was the only mum there - all the others were dads with their sons! My DS just got on with playing while I stood at the side trying not show I was crying as I felt so bad for him! I have to say that I have been very lucky with my DS, he's been so good at getting on with things although I'm sure he will feel rejected when he gets older and I'm dreading that. I write and send photos to my ExP's parents regularly in a vain attempt for them to change their minds but all this happens without my DS knowing.
I owe my DS so much as I don't think I would be here without him - I felt so low when my Dad died and I had to identify his body and all that, the only thing that kept me alive after that was the knowledge that I had somebody who needed me to keep going.
Just realised how cheesy that sounded!!

Good point WallOfSilence, Believe it or not, I hadn't thought of how my DS would feel if he knew that ExP was seeing his DD. From what I understand his ex wife did not allow him to see their DD after he had the second affair, but it's something I will need to think about. See, I am missing all the huge issues here, so any thoughts are gratefully received. Thanks everybody.

It's not cheesy. Sometimes little people are blessings in disguise. Other times they are sent to wreck our homes. It's good that you found a reason to carry on. He gave you hope. That's lovely.

I agree that you should write, not email, especially as you only have her work address - what if she's away and one of her colleagues is monitoring her email (it's what we do where I work, in case important stuff arrives). I could upset her even more.

Think about why you are doing it; to make yourself feel better or to try and make things better for her, the children and you? If it's the former, I'd say you should leave it.

Whatever you do, I hope you find some peace and resolution.

Raspberrysheep, you sound like a lovely person.

I am glad you have had no harsh comments, only good advice.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I think you need to be very clear about how far you actually want to apologise, how far you want the children to be in contact, and how much you want this to be a 'lifeline' to your rattish exP.

HE was the one with responsibility to his wife and family, and as is often the case, a man who treats his wife with no respect also treats other women he involves with no respect either.

I think you should take this in very separate stages, and see each stage as indepnedent of the others - i.e an apology to the wid=fe is for and of itself, not a good stepping stone to contact between the children.

And be careful - this 'children asking for each iother' sounds a bit odd to me - is he trying to mastermind a little brood of his various children, are you all using it as a way to keep him involved? How do these children know so much of each other? Not saying it's a bad thing, but ...

Stage one - tell the ex-wife that you do feel sorry and guilty for the affair, that you knew he was married and had children, and you regret that you went into it. Do not offer the (very sad) circumstances you were living under as a qualification or excuse, if you allude to it at all, admit that despite knowing all that, you succumbed to an affair, and even though you were lonely etc, you wish you had not done it.

Don't mention the children getting together in your apology message. Leave it and see if she replies, and what she says.

Your lovely child's father really is a rat. He doubtless preyed on your vulnerability - but then completely failed to look after you. You sound lovely - and I hope all this works out well and happily in the long run.

My Dad had an affair when I was a baby resulting in a little boy. There was a lot of silence about him until a couple of years ago when my younger brothers found out about him and jointly we brought it up with our parents (still together BTW) and got in touch with our half brother. My bro and I used to spend time with him as childern (although didn't know he was our brother at that point) and my mum allowed that but I don't think she ever forgave the other woman or wanted to have anything to do with her.
She did accept that Dad had to see him and now she is more interested in him, his wife and kid and how he is getting on than my dad is! I know it's slightly different as they stayed together but I think this other woman might allow some contact for your kids (but I don't know how you would manage it) if not now, in the future. I suggest you write to her then leave the ball in her court. She may never forgive you and may not be interested in why or how it happened. I know my Mum sees the OW as very much responsible, and having tricked my Dad into the pregnancy. I have no idea whether that's true but I think she needs to feel that in order to forgive him. your Exp's exW may feel different and see you as also a 'victim' of him, who knows?
Good luck xxx

I don't think you should contact her.

It sounds to me like you're just trying to make yourself feel better about the situation.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Agree with Blu.

Speaking as the xw of a cheating bastard, I have to say I don't really know how I would feel if he and his OW split up and she apologised to me. It wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference to my life, so in one respect I would think 'so what if you're sorry?' On the other hand, it would mean something to me if she acknowledged that they did me and my children a huge wrong.

Not trying to make you feel bad, honestly. You seem a nice person. I was just trying to be honest from this side of the fence

Hello everybody,

Sorry that I haven't been back on here for a while, I work full time just now and have just settled my DS down before jumping on. I would just like to say a big thank you to everybody who has replied to me. I am really interested in hearing everybody's thoughts and advice, especially from those in my ExP's wife and children's situation. There is a lot to think about here and I am well aware that once I contact my ExP's wife there will be no going back in terms of reminding her of the whole story.
I agree that my ExP (I feel bad calling him 'my ExP' as he was never truely mine, he was somebody elses, as my mum likes to remind me!)was and is a rat, it's amazing how your mind can ignore the truth when you want it to and I wanted to believe that he really loved me, but I'm aware that this is just as much my responsibility at it is his as it takes two to tango.
Anyway, I'm rambling now, so thanks again for your messages, they are all really appreciated. x

Hi all,

Well I finally plucked up the courage....to buy a card to send to ExP's ExW - that was hard enough as I wanted to make a good impression! But feel as if I had fallen at the first hurdle, as I just don't know how to put into words that I would like us to talk. I have been thinking of nothing but what to say for the last couple of days and all I can think is 'I know that I am the last person you want to hear from', which is not the positive attitude I wanted to approach her with.

Just wondering if anybody else had any suggestions? - I know that it needs to be short and to the point, but as you can tell, I'm more of a 'why say it in a sentance when 10,000 words will do' kind of girl!

Am so worried as this is my one big chance and I don't want to mess up....

Thank you x

Looks like no-one has any helpful ideas, but I'll try...

Well for a start, map out what you want to say on a piece of paper first and copy it down when you're sure it's perfect. That way you can compose in any order you want. Once you've got the "meat" of the message sorted, the introduction may fall into place more easily. Maybe make bullet points for yourself of the things you feel need saying most - like planning an exam essay. The suggestions made by Blu are excellent.

I agree you should keep the first contact brief. If she wants to hear more she can always get in touch with you (don't forget to include a phone number or email, but a home address would be unwise at this stage ).

Also agree your current opening sentence is too negative (and presumptious - there may be many people she'd hate to hear from even more, like for example her XH's current squeeze...). Might think on the lines of "Although I have never met you I feel I owe you a huge apology..." or "I hope you will excuse me writing to you but I really feel I owe...", sort of thing? Try to keep a little short of actual grovelling, give her a real human being to hate or forgive as she chooses, not a jellyfish to poke at with a stick. As some other posters have said, this should be about her and the wrong you know you did to her, not about making you feel better, and that needs to come over in your letter. The first tentative contact is too early to expect forgiveness anyway, and in my view much too early to mention possible contact between the children.

May I just add that I admire your courage and decency in trying to make amends for your mistake. I don't know if the ex-wife will forgive you, that's up to her, but I hope you can forgive you.