This has turned into quite a lengthy post but I wanted to give context plus I have ended up venting my frustrations.
I guess I am asking for advice on how to deal with my partner and his mother when I am dealing with a life changing health issue. I have found her very cold towards me and self centred since my injury.
I met my partner 7 years ago. We aren't married and don't have kids together. He doesn't want kids or marriage whereas I am on the fence. The relationship has had its ups and downs. A couple of times I have taken time out for a breather and nearly finished with him but he talked me around. The reasons were a lack of communication and a different outlook on things. When Covid came, I stayed with him and I think we actually got on well so about three and a half years ago I moved in. After moving in though, I started having my doubts if I did the right thing but wasn't sure if I was overreacting. The doubts were around the fact that it was his house and the vulnerable position I put myself in. I had mentioned about us buying a house together but he said he didn't want to.
About three years ago I sustained quite a serious injury that has left me partially sighted and feeling wiped out most of the time. I still struggle with the 'new me' as I am unable to drive and I tried going back to work but that was difficult. I am taking time out and attending support groups.
Since the injury, in some ways he has been supportive with practical things like in the early days helping me up and down stairs, getting dressed, making dinner. Now the support is giving me a lift to places and going out for walks with me. However, even three years on I struggle to get across to him how things are still difficult such as the fatigue and navigating in busy places. He has said things like 'come on you'll be fine' and then when I argued with him he said that he was just trying to encourage me. I found this upsetting as I was feeling so wiped out that I couldn't do it. I find him now a very high energy person who at times talks fast and paces about going from one task to another. At times I deal with it by avoiding him.
Then there is his mother, which has been the biggest conflict between my partner and I since the injury. Since the injury we have had some blazing arguments about her as she has made me feel uncomfortable. I try to phrase my concerns with 'I feel' statements, along with examples. My partner's reaction has been to accuse me of being controlling, putting up barriers and it is all in my head. I am not stopping him from seeing her. I just no longer want her near me or involved in our activities, actually the activities that I view as us spending quality couple time together. My own family and friends live about a 1 hour 45 minute drive away so if I was to get a bus as I am not allowed to drive it would take about 3 hours to get there. So I feel very isolated from them. My mum has visited me but it is difficult for her as she works at the weekends and looks after my nieces during the week.
So, the reasons for my concerns about partner's mother are-
6 weeks after my injury his mother had a wedding dinner. She had got married a few months earlier but covid restrictions put a limit on how many people could gather. I thought it was still a nice day as her friends turned up for photos outside and she hired private caterers to come into the house to provide dinner for close family. I was surprised to find out that she was going to have a bigger dinner party in a few months as this was her fourth marriage and I thought the actual wedding day was lovely. So then I had the injury. I didn't want to go to the dinner and my partner and I weren't going to go but his mother told him that she would be 'disappointed' if he didn't go. So we went as I couldn't be left alone and my own family is a 1 hour 45 minute drive away. I was in pain and struggling with the loss of vision. His mother never asked me how I was. I was upset about this after.
His mother continued to never ask about me and complained to my partner about not coming to see her, even though my partner did every month (at the time she lived a 1 hour drive away and at the time of my injury a demanding job) and she was welcome to visit him. It was then I realised how self centred I felt his mother was as everything has to revolve around her and she showed no concern about me. In contrast, the husband was lovely to me.
We had his mother and her husband for Christmas dinner which my partner cooked and his mother did not offer any help.
My birthday is in July so nearly 1 year after the injury my mother visited me and we had a BBQ. At some stage my partner's mother and her husband were invited. His mother didn't even say a happy birthday and just sat there expecting to be catered to.
Anytime we visit my family, my partner would seem to be anxious when my mother put photos of us on Facebook having lunch/dinner together as he would say something that his mother will see it and he will now need to visit her. This is despite that we actually see his mother more, I have probably spent more time with his mother than with my own.
Then about two years after her marriage the husband died after an operation. I have struggled to feel sympathy for her given her coldness towards me. She started coming to visit my partner twice a week or my partner would visit her, often staying the night. At this time I had just started going out for walks a few months previously. When my partner quit his job (more about this further down) he started going out for walks with me. He invited his mother out as she was grieving. I was upset as these walks were supposed to be for me to get out again but it turned into consoling his mother which I was uncomfortable with. She also kept walking in my blind side. I then told my partner that I didn't want her on our walks any more. He has said that he hasn't seen her walk in my blind side, yet he walks infront as he is a quick walker. I try to avoid her now and when she visits I go upstairs. I find her conversations to be all about her.
His mother has at times been snappy with me but apparently this is all in my head.
At the start of this year I made it a goal to get to the peak of the largest mountain in the area. My partner was being supportive of this by going along with me. After the first walk, I posted photos on Facebook that I took during one of the walks. His mother was straight on to him that she wanted to do this mountain and apparently she has always wanted to do it. However, I have never heard her mentioning about wanting to do this mountain when my partner has done it loads of times before he even met me. So she has had plenty of chances to do it in the past. My partner wanted her to join in with us but I said no as she will put me in danger as she walks in my blind side and the walk will become about accomodating her. His mother is slow at walking as she is 79 and seems to be able to walk about 5km before she gets pains. Yet again my partner is accusing me of being controlling and putting up barriers. So he ended up going out with her once a week which only stopped to then help her move house. After their second walk together, the mother has changed her profile picture to be of them on the walk which I find weird. What I found upsetting was that one of the people who has liked the picture is someone he dated before me. He told me that it wasn't serious, he wanted a relationship with her but she wasn't interested. I find it odd how the mother even knows about her.
I feel things are going to get worse as my partner's mother has just moved house to be closer to my partner. I am worried that she is going to be at the house more and expect to be involved more. The mother has a daughter and another son but the daughter has no contact with the mother and the son has limited contact so the mother makes my partner feel responsible for her happiness. I don't though know the full story on their relationships.
What is also concerning me that a couple of weeks before the mother's husband died, my partner quit his job. He was struggling in work and his boss had put him on a performance review. I was quite shocked that my partner quit without searching for another job. I did ask him about it but he said that he was taking time out and would look in the summer. Then all of a sudden about 5 months later he started saying that he quit his job to help me. This was news to me plus I don't need that much help that he should quit his job. He did get temporary work for a bit then early this year he started working on a business idea as he wants to be his own boss. I have tried to be supportive by giving him space and not ask for lifts but he will work on the idea for a couple of months but get distracted. It usually centres around his mother's demands. So for the last 6 weeks he hasn't worked on the business as he has been helping his mother move house. All day, every day he is with her helping her pack and unpack. If I say anything I get either accusations of being controlling or how he quit his job for me.
So I am just fed up with everything now and how my partner is unable to see how her behaviour upsets me. I just want something positive in my life and also to spend time with my partner. I have worked so hard at getting out again.
He isn't a romantic person either and we rarely go out for meals. The last time we went for a meal to try out a new place his mother was straight on to him about wanting to go. Money is obviously tight with us both not working. I do have some from savings and an inheritance but would love to go away somewhere. He doesn't want to go away as he doesn't have the money even though I have offered to pay. Last year the mother was making noises about them going on a big holiday that would be for 3 weeks and he was all for going until I said that I was uncomfortable about it and asked how he would be able to go away with me.
I guess I am upset at how the mother has shown no concerns over me and still expects to be accomodated. I am grieving over the loss of my eyesight and how life is not what I expected. Yet her grief is placed as more important by my partner. I am feeling upset now and anxious about trying to stand up for myself as my partner accuses me of being controlling.
His mother is in no way isolated or lonely. For a 79 year old she is still very active, drives, goes on holidays several times a year including a recent 1 month trip to Australia, out for dinner with friends a couple times a week and a walking group. She also works.
Any advice on how to deal with all of this would be appreciated.