Not sticking to agreements/plans

[5475878237NC]

I don't know how to explain this. Essentially my husband and I agree a particular way of doing something or an action or task that needs doing. He will then not do it or find some kind of technicality to retract or devalue the need for it to even be done at all/that week etc. it's so hard to put this all into words. What I'm trying to say is that he never comes out with, I forgot or I didn't want to or I'd like to discuss it again etc, he takes on a defensive approach or minimises the importance of it. Then says if I want it done "my way" I have to do it.

As an example, I'll ask can you put a load of colours on to wash whilst I'm running errands. He will say yes. He either won't and then when I ask why he hasn't he'll say there's no need to wash some of this it's fine, or he'll mix it with whites and say I'm way OTT/unreasonable to separate the washing. There's always some kind of comeback and conflict unless I do it myself or have lower standards about everything. This is an example but it happens across every area of life. Another example, on the Saturday morning we agree on Sunday afternoon I'll do some chores whilst he's with the children. But when the time comes he'll ignore them so they come to me anyway. When I say please can you occupy the children so I can do chores or you do the chores and I'll occupy the children, he'll argue that we don't need to mop the floor or put clothes away right now/ we have too many clothes/ the children could help me so he can watch TV. There's no acknowledgement he agreed to the plan.

How should I handle this? It's really getting me down.

I have tried to talking to him so many times so would like some ideas of how to approach it as clearly my way doesn't lead to change.

Stop doing the chores. Wash your and your children's clothes but ignore his.
Separating white laundry is sensible.

It sounds miserable to live like this either you never discuss anything or you leave.He sounds as if he has no interest in family life.Has it always been like this?He sounds as if a single life with no demands is what he wants.

Oh gosh I never wash his clothes. It's the children's I was referring to.

He openly says having children with me was a mistake. He wants to be able to have a lie in until 11am every weekend, go to coffee shops and watch the football etc. But he also doesn't want a divorce!

That was in response to Ragruggers.

I didn't know and neither did he that he'd feel this way until children arrived.

He may not want a divorce but you can do so.You only have one life please live it.Your children must see how miserable he is.Good luck.

It sounds like he just can't be arsed to be a parent. Tough, he is one.

Read up on 'weaponised incompetence' because that's what he's doing and it's deliberate.

What are the consequences for him of not pulling his weight?

Secondly, why do you think that you should cover his failings as a partner?

You've had these conversations with him and he still doesn't step up.

You have two options: if he doesn't do his share, don't do it for him. Put the same (lack of) energy into things he does. Make it clear that if you doesn't pull his weight, you arent going to pull it for him. Eg: take the kids by the hands to him and say 'you agreed you would watch the kids so here you go'.

Option 2, which I suggest coupling with the above. You tell him 'this is the first and lart time I will say this, I'm losing love for you because of your weaponised incompetence. I am going to leave you if you do start doing your share. So now you know'.

Or, option three, which imo is preferable because I don't stay with people who consistently disrespect me, disregard my feeling and treat me like a maid and nanny - leave.

It is madness to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

He is not incompetent. He is manipulating you. Personally I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. But if you want to give him one last chance, he has to step up. Don't keep trying to explain that to him. Ultimatum time and mean it.

Step trying to explain it to him. He gets it.

He's lazy and doesn't want to parent or do chores so it's his way of not doing either.

Based in this update, its time to leave.

He has openly told you he doesn't want to be a dad. That YOUR lifestyle is the one that has to be impacted before 11am, not his. That he gets to pick and choose what parts of parenting he wants.

Of course he doesn't want to divorce. Because that would mean he'd actually have to parent sometimes. He'd have to do mornings. He'd have times he couldn't do whatever he wanted.

Take back your freedom. I'd make sure to give him 50/50 contact so you can get free time. And so that he has to step up to parenting when it's his time.

He doesn't have that life of lie ins until 11am every weekend and coffee shops. But that's his fantasy if that makes sense.

Jeez, if someone openly said being with me was a mistake the relationship would be over that same day.

Why is your self respect / standards so low that you’ve heard this… yet you’re sticking around trying to negotiate weekend laundry tasks ffs?!?!

I don't think you have read my posts accurately. I was acknowledging things he has said in the past about the impact of children on our relationship.

The thing is though op, even though it was about the kids, its so disrespectful to you.

I can't imagine watching my partner struggle to bring our child into the world... only to tell her I regret knocking her up because I like my lie ins.

Its so fucking cold.
People who love us don't say that shit.

Now I'm not saying people can't have regrets about children. But this guy is basically just telling you 'I didn't actually want to be a parent, I thought you would do everything'. And he's showing you this through his actions too.

He's also rewriting history. Making you feel it was all your idea so, all your responsibility. He is disingenuous and cruel.

He shows you consistently through his actions that you don't matter to him. That's not a partner.

I think you're right. It's very painful to acknowledge. I asked him to help our eldest as I was comforting our youngest. He looked at me, Kindle in hand and shook his head, saying I need a rest, they'll be fine etc. I said please. Eldest couldn't do what they were trying to do, got hurt (mildly) and cried for me. It felt like I saw my whole future with him before my eyes. A lifetime of asking for a partner and getting someone who may or may not have tapped out at that point. I can't rely on him. I know in my gut that he'll only be there for me if he feels he wants to, or he'll do it but I'll pay for it with moods and horrible words or naming calling the children later.

He didn't want to parent. He had kids only to please me. He thought I'd do it all. That's the gist.

Do you think you will end your marriage?

I'm not sure I could stay because of the impact on the DC seeing everyday how little they mean to him

Your poor poor children.
It may take a while OP, but you need to actively look at getting this waster out of your life.

I'd read up on passive aggression, that's what it sounds like to me. Very very hard to solve as the person is very invested in subverting the real reasons. If I remember right, the suggestion was to call the behaviour out each time. It's incredibly frustrating though and I really feel for you to have to deal with it.

ETA I've read more of your posts since I wrote the above and think, kindly, this isn't a solvable thing. He has totally checked out of fatherhood and family life and it will erode your self worth and your DC's to carry on like this.

It's very hard to put this into words but when he's "on" he's hands on, plays with them, takes them on days out, took them on holiday with friends and family twice without me when I had to work and was ill etc. So they adore him. But when he's "checked out" (this is the closest description I can think of really) he's either hands off or very very begrudgingly parenting in that really confusing way I referred to in my OP where I feel like I'm not sure what the hell's changed because I thought we'd agreed X or Y.

This is why it's taken me so long to see it all clearly. The gaps between the two situations if I can call it that used to be so so long that I wouldn't have forgotten of course, but the feeling of being let down or confused etc would have long faded and I'd be witnessing the "on" parent and partner. But I first posted because I'd started to notice the "off" was a thing. Now I can't unsee it. And when he's "off/checked out" etc is more common than it used to be. I guess because they're at a difficult age and I'm asking for more from him. I totally appreciate he didn't know he'd feel like this until he had kids. But it's just OK to treat us like this. My kids are suffering not least because they have a sad, confused and hurt mother.

The only way forward I can think of is for us to separate and then explore some parenting classes and Relate to see if this is changeable. I can't go on like this. For my own sake, let alone the children.

I wanted to update and thank you for your time, advice and comments.

I called women's aid for advice. My husband had been away for four days and done no parenting. He was putting an overtired deregulated child to bed the night before going away again for six nights and I heard him call her names, and then say some very unkind things when she asked for me. When I later suggested he ought to apologise and repair he was very verbally abusive. Took no responsibility at all for how he handled the situation. I read up on DARVO.

The women's aid worker was very helpful and I've started getting my ducks in a row. I know what I have to do.

Good op.
Poor children.
Tell people the truth.
He is abusing your children.