An anniversary I never thought I’d get to!

[Littleferns]

So today marks 10 years since my XH dropped a bombshell into our lives and left to be with his OW after 27 years together.
At the time I was devastated, hurt beyond anything I’d ever felt before and completely unsure how I’d survive into the day let alone 10 years. At the time mumsnet was my saviour. The practical advice and hand holding I have never forgotten.
But Survive I did , I not only survived I’ve actually thrived more than I’d ever thought was possible!
i managed to keep our family home,and although it’s tough financially at times and one day I will sell up and downsize, it has been the anchor that my children needed!
i have a fantastic new job that I would never have had the confidence to go for back then.
i have a lovely new man in my life who I have so much fun with. We don’t live together but that works for us. We have fantastic holidays and I’ve been to places I could only have dreamed of.
My XH married his OW, and whilst that was tough at the time now I couldn’t care less. Are they happy? … I have no idea and again I couldn’t care less anymore! I only remember the date because it was the day after another significant family anniversary! I just know I am now happy and fulfilled.
our DC are wonderful well balanced adults and although they do see him from time to time I don’t have to get involved in that. I know they still feel very let down by him and it’s to my eternal sadness that both my daughters find it hard to trust men because if their dad could do it anyone can! But that’s the legacy he has to live with!
so I just want to say to anyone currently suffering there really is light at the end of what can be a very long tunnel. It won’t seem like it now but I really hope you too look back in 10 years and feel like I do today.

This is such a great update! I feel the same - though it’s not been as long. The weight that lifts when you no longer care whether they are happy, or in a relationship or whatever, is such a fantastic relief. Hoorah for not just surviving but thriving!

Thanks so much for this post, it's just what I needed today

Divorce going through in two weeks from cheating and lying stbxh

I am still at the point where I hate him and OW and I wish them all the bad stuff in the world (please don't judge).

But it's so good to hear that hopefully I will get to a place where I don't give two shifts about either of them

Have to DDs too

Thanks a million for your post, happy for you
Xxx

That is so wonderful to hear. You are an inspiration for others I am sure. I am so pleased you have a much better life now. Great news indeed.

madaboutpurple
I certainly don’t feel inspirational!There were times when I didn’t think I could ever laugh again, where I cried buckets and buckets and wanted to just disappear ! But I do feel like a survivor! What he did changed me forever but I am proof it is possible to come out the other side as a functioning human being!

Anything that helped you on your journey?

Mensuckbigtime
Thats an interesting question…
I guess it was taking one day at a time and in the early days one hour at a time. I have amazing friends who let me rant and rave and cry whenever I felt the need.
Mumsnet was a great source for practical information from others who had gone through similar.
Eventually the biggest help was me taking control of the situation and accepting as much as I hated it I couldn’t change it.
initially I told him I didn’t want to divorce but once I’d realised he wasn’t coming back and I actually didn’t want him back (although I still loved the version of him I had in my head), I messaged him and said I wanted a divorce , I took control of that and divorced him for adultery naming her. I always knew he would hate that it forever says somewhere that he was an Adulterer.
i got my ducks in a row and told him I wanted to keep our mortgage free house against not claiming on his pension because I wanted that security in the here and now. I think he was a bit taken aback that I could be so calculated about it all.
That and meeting my current partner who has shown me such love and consideration in my darkest moments, he has restored my faith in men a little.
But I had plenty of dark difficult moments along the way.
we went to mediation to sort the divorce and financial settlement and I cried and cried in the office when I realised he was there too. I’d misunderstood and thought we were being seen separately.
i also deeply regret crying down the phone so often to my eldest DD every time we spoke, she has recently admitted how hard she found that and we’re only just the last couple of years getting back to our close relationship.
Everyone’s journey is personal to them but us women are strong and a force to be reckoned with if we choose to let ourselves! It’s just that the time has to be right.

Well done to you for rebuilding your life and relationship with your daughter 💐🥂

AndMiffyWentToSleep
That weight of despair lifting is so liberating isn’t it?
it wasn’t a sudden thing but a gradual process of realising that I could survive without him. The thriving came later…. But it did come.
i know when I was initially going through it I could never have imagined being happy ever again but I am happy now. It’s not the life I imagined I would have but it’s a good life.

Yes it's been nearly 20 years since ex and I split. I'm happily married and have a lovely life.

At the time it was very tough, now it's like a distant memory.

Congratulations - I remember those dark days, although I didn’t have the complication of having children.

You are so right that it’s taking control that helps, and not waiting for things to change - hard to do when you’re still wishing things could have stayed the same.

What an inspirational post, you will be helping a lot of people who read this. And what a great role model you are for your children, especially for daughters. I hope you’re going to celebrate the anniversary, although as you say, it’s not really a date you want to remember.

@pleasenotme Have a read of this. Hope you're doing ok in the circumstances.

Hey, as the child of parents who divorced very acrimoniously, I just want to say my mum relied very heavily on me and I found that hard at the time but was so glad I was able to help and console, we do want to be there for our mums even when it’s hard. And to be honest. It made me very good at spotting bad men although I also found it hard to trust - I’m happily married now 15 years. I know she never forgot the support. ❤️

failuretolunch
Thank you so much for posting this!
I have felt so guilty for leaning on her so much.
it’s my biggest regret.
But I can’t turn back that clock and now we go forwards with a new understanding.
I would like to say it now allows her to spot bad men but her dad really was the last man on earth you would have expected to cheat so it came very hard to my girls!

merelyplaying
I celebrated quietly in my head and with you all at Mumsnet!
I have made a great success in everyone’s eyes of surviving that I felt I couldn’t harp back to it without it looking like I was looking backwards.
But I am so proud of myself.
I have been reading Pleasenotme’s heartbreaking posts and I recognise so much of me in them.

What a fabulous uplifting post! So glad you went upward and onward, you deserve to live your best life.
Like other posters I hope that pleasenotme will see this post, and start to believe eventually things will get better.

@Littleferns . Good for you. I totally get where your coming from. I'm 34 years on from ex and can honestly say the happiest I've ever been. Like you wasn't easy, my youngest was in nappies. She's now got 3 kids of her own. I met my partner 22 years ago, great guy, up front, no bullshit. We don't live together either, he's asked several times to marry me but I'm happy as we are. It was a long hard haul but I got there. Ex left OW for someone else after telling me "he couldn't live without her. Saw him the other day cutting about with hair like Willie Nelson in pleats!!.