Am I overreacting?

[Bernie23]

I work full time in a school. It’s very stressful and I am actually thinking of cutting down my days. When I come home I am just shattered. The evenings are just written off as too tired to do anything. I feel really annoyed at moment as the last few weekends have been taken up with all my husbands ‘hobbies’. Fri evening he was away for 3 hours, Sat away from 8 until near 3. He was away last night at a family thing and now he’s getting ready to watch the football.
Last weekend he was Sat all day to pick up a registration pack for a race he was doing. Sunday was spent away at the race until after 3.
2 weekends before he was away to a football match ( travel is 2 hours to the stadium)
I never seem to do anything! I did go to gym classes last year but I can’t get the energy / time to get back to them. Also just recovering from a sore back during first week of term. I was up this morning ironing kids uniforms and when he asks what’s wrong he just says I should’ve left them and asked him to do them. Ive been in tears all morning and just feel so frustrated.. same old every weekend and then straight back to work when I’ve just recovered from the week. Am I overreacting?

Well, there are separate issues here. You're too exhausted to do anything after school - how are you at weekends?

Does your h check with you before booking all his things? What family time do you have? What would you like to do at weekends? Do you want your h to look after the dc so you can spend time on your own, or do you want more family time?

You need to sit down and talk to your h. Ensure you both get equal down time.

But don't expect him to read your mind and know what you want if you haven't told him.

Do you think there is anything else going on with your health? Have you always been this exhausted after working?

Maybe it's worth getting a check-up in case there's a medical reason you're so tired?

What would he actually have done if you did leave the ironing and asked him to do it?

If you haven't had a conversation about how him being gone all weekend, every weekend, is unfair to you, which it is, then you're just being a martyr. Crying all morning isn't going to accomplish anything. You need to speak up and tell him things need to change, because you are not the default parent and skivvy.

Of course you're not overreacting.

But be prepared for all the lovely MN posters telling you you shouldn't have had children then, or you knew what it was like before you had kids so suck it up, or if only you had laid down ground rules from the start he would be a model parent, or you should already have taught him to iron, or any other number of reasons why it is all your fault.

I’m exhausted at weekend too. Usually have to have a lie down on Fri evenings when first come home. I’ve been teaching 20 years and this is the worst I’ve felt. I am on citalapram which I needed after trying to teach during Covid lockdown. I just feel I have zero life outside working while my husband who is a great dad is living his best life. Our kids are 8 and 12 . He has said we would go for a drive and walk this weekend but he got up there at 12 which is a bit late now I feel to be heading away.
I don’t know what I want. Yeah a little time to myself would be nice but also would doing something together at the weekend.

He just says it’s not his fault I’m so tired ( which it isn’t)

And that he’s not stopping me do anything

He would have done it late tonight but just the uniforms , not anything else.

He has said we would go for a drive and walk this weekend but he got up there at 12 which is a bit late now I feel to be heading away.
12 is absolutely not too late to do something on a Sunday!

I think you are burnt out. You’ve got to a point where you can’t even relax or make choices about how to try and relax because your nervous system is chronically stressed.

I would honestly get yourself signed off for a while- and I say this as a teacher who was forced to go sick with a mental health crisis because I didn’t heed the warning signs. My working life had to change permanently. At least if you get signed off you might be able to make space to do a few classes in the morning- yoga or painting or something. Maybe not straight away! And those things can help to recalibrate your system so that you are more able to relax and rest properly.

Well of course he's "A great Dad" Inbetween all his hobbies 😬
You sound like a superb Mum too OP, doing all the grunt work on depleted resources.
You both need to sit down and work out a fair share of the heavy lifting in this relationship 💐

I’m sorry OP.

Firstly, book GP appointment with blood tests to see if you have something going on.

Teaching is absolutely exhausting even without all the other responsibilities you have with your DC. I would consider 0.8 over 4d if school can accommodate that.

If you are doing more than your fair share of the work at home you need to sit down with him to distribute it more fairly. Maybe he can always do the ironing for example so you never need to ask or remind!

💐

So go and do something with your weekends. What do you want to do?

I have no childcare if my husband is away at the weekends.

I think you are right. I just find it hard to take accept. We’ve only been back 4 weeks!
Although during the first week back my family had a bereavement, my car blew up and we are trying to get our house fixed up to sell.

Teaching is exhausting, I'm a teacher and am also shattered a lot of the time. I think it's the contact with so many people/faces plus noise levels and then the stress on top.

Things I've done that have helped me:lowering cleaning standards, constructive conversations with husband and kids about sharing chores, and religiously sticking to early bedtimes.
Mental health wise I make sure I get outside every day, no matter what, even if its just for a cup of tea in the morning. And I book in one fun thing during the weekend once a month so I have something to look forward to, I tend to sit down once every 6 months and trawl through theatres/local events advertised. To be honest, sometimes I book a local travel lodge and just wallow in the silence with a good book. I structure in phone calls with good friends and limit how much I let myself think of work outside of work-not always easy but I try. E.g. I listen to an audio book on my commute and if I catch myself worrying about pupils when trying to sleep ill make my brain go through the plot of my book instead.

My husband and I have one hobby each, yours is taking the piss.

I'm sorry, it sounds very hard for you right now and this is good advice. See a GP in the first instance.

Thank you, I like the one thing per month. Will try that. I would love booking a night away by myself.. not strange then?
It’s one hobby my husband has.. just seems to take up a lot of time and gets to no matter what. Never seems too tired or too busy.. think I’m jealous of that!

You have a lazy selfish partner, shit husband, shit father who is never around.
No wonder you are burnt out.
He has a mug made out of you for years.
He doesn't care.
Hence he is never around.
Calling him a good father is a lie and a joke.
Your poor children.
Once absent father, one poor mother burnt out from doing it all.

You and your children deserve better.

Absolutely do not agree with this

You are burnt out. I’d take the
whole weekend away, tell your dh you’ll be gone from Friday evening and back Sunday , MAKE yourself go immediately Friday you get home. If he asks about how he’s supposed to do whatever he’s planned with his hobby you say excuse me?! I count too and I need time, suggest you try some parenting. Then just rest all weekend, and see how much you think is your husband and how much the job. It’s probably the job but it’s showing you your dh is a selfish arse and that’s the icing on the top, but seriously consider getting yourself signed off work. Noone benefits if you have a breakdown, not the school either. You can deal with your marriage later, for now ignore what he says and do what you need.

And booking yourself a night away on your own is not strange, I’ve been thinking of doing the same all year!! Dh knows this and has taken the dc all for a sleepover a couple of times to his parents so I’m alone in the house overnight which is great.

He doesn’t do it every Fri evening. This week and last week it was for racing.

Do you have any classes near you? There are a lot of Sunday evening yoga classes near me.

DH can put the DC to bed while you’re out and organise dinner for when you get in.

Well 1st suggestion is stop ironing.