Should I tell my mother how I feel?

[latetothepartie]

I’m 2 months postpartum with my second child and have recently been diagnosed with postpartum depression. It’s been a really awful time and on top of this my eldest child has been really unwell for a number of weeks and has struggled with his own anxiety.

I’ve always had a good relationship with my mother but she’s always been rather aloof, and during the last few weeks she has been completely absent. No visits, phone calls or even texts to see how I am. Generally the only time I speak to her is if I message or call her first, I would never see her if I didn’t initiate contact, she would never suggest meeting up or doing something together etc. She works full time in quite a high powered job which takes up all her time and energy and when I do see her is all she talks about. I’m not expecting her to drop everything she is doing to help me but I’m upset that I don’t even register in her thoughts.

She told me that she had postpartum depression when she had my brother so she knows how I feel but that’s been the extent of her input. Am I being unreasonable for feeling disappointed and upset in her lack of support? I want to tell her how I feel but know it wouldn’t go down well and she would get defensive.

I always think it's better to communicate how you feel rather than not. When you say nothing, the issue either grows or turns into resentment (which is poison to any type or relationship). There is no reason why it needs to be confrontational. In fact, what can be a good tactic with people who tend to get defensive, is to tell them what you want from them, rather than point out what they've not done. What would you like from her? For her to check in more? Message, visit? To spend more time together? Articulate what you want. Tell her that hearing from her gives you a lift and you feel safe sharing how you feel with her because she went through something similar and she's your mum.

Also, just to point out, she may have experienced PPD in a different way to you. Some people withdraw from people and hide away, if she felt that way, she may think that's what you'd want too.