Feeling confused

[ElsasAuntie]

I need advice on understanding a situation as I am someone who isnt confident and never knows if something in a relationship is just typical of a relationship.
I am a 36 year old female and I have no children.
I met a man online about 6 months ago and he was upfront that he has a daughter which is fine by me as I know at this age most men will have children. I liked how one of our hobbies was the same and he was the first person I met online that I could have a good conversation with.
On our second date he mentioned something about his daughter being at home so I was confused by this as I didn't know that she lived with him. So I asked him and he said that she did so then I asked about her mother. He told me that the mother died and that is why he is single. He was quick to say that he was ready to move on and in his words a 'blank page'. I then asked if the daughter was ok with him moving on as she is 16 so at a tricky age. He said that he had a good conversation with her and she was happy for him to met someone else. He also said that he went on a few dates with someone before me and that was when he had the conversation with his daughter. Apparently he wanted a relationship with the woman he was dating but she kept messing him around.
When I started going to his house I was quite shocked at the amount of photos he had of his ex, even in the kitchen. Her belongings were still in the bedroom. It was as if she never left. I said nothing as I knew that it was early days in the relationship. However I was confused that they still remained when he started telling me that he loved me, wanted a future and to go on adventure holidays. There were also times when he said that he had a perfect relationship with his ex and how he threw money around her. That has made me feel insecure as I know that I'll never be perfect.
So I had a conversation with him after an incident when we got intimate in the living room and all I could focus on were the photos of her that were surrounding us. He said that his daughter would be upset if he moved the photos but he would have a talk with her about removing them. It is now two months and they still remain.
This is making me unsure about the relationship as whilst I appreciate it is a difficult time for the daughter, I want to have a relationship where I am not feeling like the other woman and that I am a replacement. I also feel that he has lied about him and his daughter where they are ready to move on. The ex died a year and a half ago.
Another concern is his relationship with his mother. I met the mother about 4 weeks after we met where she joined in on our hobby. I thought it was a bit weird but I said nothing as I didnt want to come across as a control freak. The whole outing was uncomfortable as it became about accommodating the mother as she is in her 70's so not that capable of doing the hobby.
I snooped on his facebook to find out about this 'perfect' ex but what I found instead was photos of him and his mother doing this hobby, even when I feel he should have been spending it with his ex as it was her final months. When there were family outings the mother was there. When there were family holidays the mother was there. There is nothing with just him and his ex or even with him, his ex and daughter.
So I don't know if I should continue with this relationship or this is just typical relationship stuff at this age and it is sweet that he wants to spend so much time with his mother?

I think the photos are pretty normal and I probably wouldn’t ask for them to be removed. While he says he may be ready to ‘move on’ it sounds like you’re in very different places - and you’re possibly expecting too much from him at this point? I’d personally take it very slowly. As for his mum, who knows - if it’s just the photos and them spending time together it seems ok?

Honestly - it's been six months - he shouldn't be removing pictures of his dead wife from his home for you. That's his daughter's home, that woman was her mum - she deserves to be in photos everywhere the daughter wants them. I also don't think it was odd he still have her belongings - people don't die then you immediately bin everything. Again, his daughter may want things to remember her mum by - seeing her dad bin everything she owned and remove all photos for someone who's not even been dating her dad a calendar year would probably be really damaging for her.

The mum issue again sounds like not much of an issue to me? He has a hobby they share, and there's photographs of it?

Run. The mum thing is too much and the daughter is nowhere near as ready as you need her to be.

She isn’t his ex, she is his late wife, and that is very very different.

She only died 18 months ago and you met him 6 months ago. That isn’t long after her death for him to be ready to move on. If you want this relationship to last, you will need to move very slowly.

he won’t remove all of his late wife’s things immediately. That will be gradual and at his daughter’s pace. And that’s the right way.

These things take time - it’s whether you want to stay the course

If so I’d say 2.5 years is the longest I’d wait for pictures to be removed

When I contacted a bereavement line in the past they actually said it was not helpful for the child to see photographs everywhere

obviously some people commenting here feel different

The thing with the mother is a bit odd - I mean taking her on a hobby that she isn’t fit to do 🤣🤣

Not odd about the FB tho - maybe publicly he has removed the pics of his ex as that might not affect the daughter as much

I agree the child should be at the forefront of his concerns at the moment - men can move on quite quickly in these scenarios but at least he is being mindful of his child

The pictures wouldn't bother me, but if he chose to spend his wife's final months with his mum instead of her that's a huge red flag. He and mummy sound unusually close, which doesn't bode well.

Who are you though to come along and lay down laws?? You've not been around that long to be honest and if you're not comfortable with it, leave. Of course his daughter and her needs will come first!

This - you are being incredibly unreasonable about the photos.

Are you on the same page? His ex isn’t his ex, it his dead “perfect’ wife. Do you both favour and move on.
His mother causes you concerns. She’s might be around for the next 10 -20 years.

Four months in you expected him to remove photos of his late wife, the mother of his child? If I was him, his DC wouldn't even know you exist yet.

She was not his ex, she was his wife and she died, 18 months ago. He might think he has processed it but he hasn’t. He’s confusing his desire for sex with ‘moving on’ from the death of his wife. His daughter will be barely beginning to process the death of her mother.
You don’t sound like you are even close to understanding the enormity of the death of a parent to a very young teen. Do them a favour and step away.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

Apologies for causing offence at using the term 'ex' to refer to his wife. I just didn't know how to refer to her.

Completely agree that the daughter's welfare should come first and maybe he should be focusing on her rather than jumping into another relationship.

Interesting, a couple of posters have said to take things slowly with him. I have been feeling that he is the one taking things at a faster pace that what I am comfortable with in any situation, let alone where there is a bereavement. The more I think about it, I am not sure if it is a case of feeling lonely or there is a part of him where he does think he has moved on and wants a new relationship. He has said that our relationship is completely different from what he had and he is happy with that.

As for the mother, it is not that he has photos of her on facebook and he does the hobby with her that is causing me concern. It is the amount of time he seems to have spent with her and the closeness. I don't think it is a case that he has removed photos of his wife as there are photos of her. It is that the mother is there too. He has said that he hasn't been on many holidays and told me where he has been. These photos of the holidays are on facebook but the mother is there too. The same with day trips. He has posted during his wife's final months asking for recommendations for places to go and there are photos of these trips. Yet the mother is there too. There is nothing where it is just him and the wife or him, the wife and daughter.

It is not helped by the fact he brought her along to the activity after 4 weeks. That was my first time meeting her and it was all about helping the mother. Since then she has come along two more times and it has been the same. I have also met her for dinner which is fine but it is coming along in the activity. I feel that it is still early days and it should be about getting to know my new man, not enabling his mother to do something that she really cant do.

I don't know if the mother thing is a red flag? Him turning out to be a mummy's boy will be more of an issue in a long run.

Surely you realise the difference between an ex wife and a deceased wife? This man and his daughter are still grieving. His mother probably provided valuable family support to all of them throughout his wife’s illness. You don’t sound very empathetic.

my friend’s dad removed all photos of her dead mum from their home at the wish of his new girlfriend and she was really upset as it was her home and suddenly it felt like mum was deleted from the narrative. I think dating a widow is so different from someone who’s divorced. I also wonder if his mum stepped in to help pick up the pieces and that’s why his relationship with her is like it is. Take things slowly and speak honestly with him about your feelings and ask his so you can understand different perspectives. Then you can decide if you want to continue.

honestly, I’ve seen this before with male Friends who are divorced or widowed - they may be lonely and pinning for the comfort of a relationship. Forget about his mum and red flags. I imagine he is not truly ready for a meaningful relationship but is desperate for what he had. His daughter should be both of your priority but I don’t get the feeling you comprehend either of their loss. I would walk away.

I'd throw this one back. You met when his wife had only been dead a year. That's no time at all, especially for a teenage girl. I know if I lost my mum at that age I certainly wouldn't be ready for my dad to move on, I wouldn't want another woman in my house and I absolutely wouldn't want my mum erased from my home to appease someone else. How can he be in love with his perfect wife and only a year later be fucking you surrounded by her photos and saying he loves you. And he's dated before you too so less than a year after his wife's death. It just doesn't seem right.

Men tend to move on quickly because they need a replacement house keeper and cook. Possibly why he has his mother around so often. You'll always be living in his wife's shadow and you'll never be allowed to have any feelings on it because you'll seem insensitive. I know I certainly couldn't live like that.

This is such a messy and difficult situation and you're already feeling uncomfortable. Trust you gut. This isn't the relationship for you. It's only going to end in tears.

I think you're his rebound by the sounds of it. Hence he's moving so fast.