Oh if only I wasn't such a high maintenance, moody bint...

[green]

OK. Opinions on how I should have handled this better please, am desperately frustrated and all in a tizzy.

Dh is an appaling time keeper. Dh and I have been having a rough time. I am feeling resentful and irritable.

Tonight...
I started a new job today (first full time job since 1st ds born 8 years ago). We have childcare from the home. My hours are 8.30am to 4.30pm. Dh runs his own business. When I spoke to him today he said he would leave the office at 6 and be home by 6.30 (actually only takes 15 mins to get home at that time of night). When I called his office at 6.30 he was still there.

I knew he would be. He is always late. He never informs me when he is going to be late. If he had told me he'd be home at 9pm it would have been ok - what gets me is the fact that he tells me things he has no real intention of following through and yet I fall for it every time.

I was a moody bint when he got home and tried to explain how frustrating I find it. He told me I was being completely unreasonable, why does it matter, he hadn't noticed what the time was, I am mean etc etc etc

He won't come down for dinner (that I have cooked) and is now ignoring me.

Please advise. I'm so fricking confused. Obviously the problem is deeper than this, but that aside, how can I deal with these situations better. We can't sort out the big shit till we deal with the little shit IYKWIM?

Please be harsh with me if you feel it is necessary. Thanks.

Oh yes and we will sit at the table eating the meal and when he is finished and dd and I are still eating - he will get up to go and languish in the toilet for 20 mins - that is his shitey routine, the ignorant swine!!!!

WELL NO MORE!!!!!!

I'm revolting!!!!!!!!!

I am so farking glad that I don't have to put up with this crap anymore.Even reading this made my blood boil. They really can't see beyond their own auras of global importance. for you girls.

madamez I LOVE "gender solipsists". Greeny darlin - what have you decided? I think the plating it up at an agreed time and then leaving him to heat it up if he is not around - this all to be done in a very calm, non passive aggressive manner.
Has he STILL not said anything to do you about your job?

I'm a big fan of keeping DP's food in the oven, if I get the time to cook. If not, then he can stick a pizza in the oven when he gets home and sort himself out. Although, he seems to have a problem with clearing up after himself.....

How are things today Green?

Hi. Wow thanks for all your responses.

Last night was spent in separate rooms, me to bed before him. I asked him to ask me about work which he did briefly but without much interest.

The dinner thing isn't it - I could cook and he could warm it up - no biggy to either him or me. Our lives feel that separate now that it seems inconsequential. Its the fact that he doesn't respect me or my feelings enough to care about how his actions impact on me. So really I'm probably using the cooking dinner thing as an exuse?

I feel like I am on the cusp of something now. I think I am finally starting to realise that this shitty relationship is not all my fault and that his behaviour is unacceptable and what is more I am not going to accept it anymore. This is a really really big deal for me.

Madamez - no generally his behaviour is inconsiderate, thoughtless and rather patriarchal. He has been doing the 'you are being mean/angry/horrible' thing only recently as I think he can feel for the first time I am learning about boundaries. When he 'stonewalled' me in years gone by I would generally follow him round the house like a lap dog waiting for him to talk to me.

I am not allowed to be annoyed - this is interpreted as anger by him and a negative emotion. If I try to express my displeasure about something, he will just go on the attack as in my example of this week, but I could give you hundreds of others.

He is however a devoted and passionate father who absolutely adores his children.

There is some big thing for me about guilt. I feel that of course I take 50% share of the responsibility for the failing relationship - it takes 2 to tango. So even if he is being unreasonable, when does it stop being my responsibility to find solutions. I can't just give up when I have 3 young kids who adore their dad. Does anyone understand this? How will I not have regrets that I didn't try harder? Because surely there is a solution somewhere? Although even as I type this I am aware that he won't go to couples therapy anymore and I can't do this alone.

Shit, I've banged on.

green. Of course the dinner thing isn't IT.

The good thing is that you are sounding SO much more in control these days, and I can't IMAGINE you would be following him round needily any more.

Is a letter a completely insane idea? It seems you have tried so many things - and the couples counselling really hasn't worked for you.

You know where I am if you want to mail me.

Take care beaut
x

I hate it when people do things that are rude and hurtful and then act as if you are the one with some kind of problem when you challenge them about it.

Constant lateness says 'my time is more valuable than your time, in fact you are not very important at all'. Rude and hurtful.

I find it's usually difficult to change another person's behaviour, it's easier to change your response to it. If I were in your shoes I would stop caring about what time he said he'd be home. I'd arrange my day to suit me, cook when I felt like it and do my own thing. And he would have to lump it.

If after a while doing this he failed to make an effort to be home earlier and spend more time with me I would probably split up with him as I would know that I was never going to be happy or have my needs met with him.

gracey - i love you gf. i know you understand. will mail soon x

anorak i hear you. change my response. i am much happier when i do my own thing probably. but its so galling when he walks in and expects me to smile. i can not nag, but i can't smile ffs!

are these situations ever fixable? when do you stop trying though (not that i'm trying very hard atm to be honest). oh i'm so aware that i keep asking the same questions and i think i probably know the answer but i'm in denial. i honestly don't know how you get the strength/conviction within yourself to finally call it a day.

Why not ask him if he is happy with the way things are at home?

What would he like to change?

Is he bored with the marriage? does he want to separate?

I could not live like you are living....I would need more and I certainly could not be walking on eggshells like you are doing. IMO once you have said sorry then they cannot go on being moody with you!!

I would make a life with the children and prepare myself to be alone. (And I am not one of those people who says that everyone should get divorced etc but he does sound like a difficult person to live with and he sounds quite unhappy tbh)

what happened last night greeny?

I can't say that it's worth / not worth throwing the towel in, but it is always worth developing your own sense of self-worth. When you know your own value, you'll never sell yourself short.