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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner left me at 33 weeks pregnant but won’t leave the house.

26 replies

Sdapx · 28/09/2024 11:35

I’m 33 weeks pregnant and my partner has ended things. He has narcissistic traits but this particular argument was about his mum like it always seems to be. His mum comes first I am always second even whilst carrying his child. He won’t leave the house but I can’t live like this, am I supposed to leave? I don’t know where I would go and I need somewhere suitable to live with my baby but with a mortgage to pay and bills to pay I can’t afford anywhere. I’m so lost he is ruining what should be the most special time of my life.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/09/2024 11:36

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP.

Who owns the house?

Sdapx · 28/09/2024 11:40

We are both on the mortgage

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 28/09/2024 15:47

How long since he ended things? If you had the financial and housing parts covered, how would you feel about the breakup?

TheCultureHusks · 28/09/2024 15:51

I appreciate that people will say you shouldn’t leave the house if you own it too, but I think your peace of mind around the birth is more important. Can you stay with family for the birth and immediately afterwards?

If they aren’t local- please still consider it. You need to be away from him. You can change hospitals and birth partners. And do not give the baby his surname.

When you have recovered from the birth you can start planning - force a sale of the house.

Treacletoots · 28/09/2024 15:53

If he's as selfish as I suspect, he'll soon vacate the house when there's a crying baby there.

If you can't wait that long, speak to your midwife and see what she can advise. Is his behaviour in any way abusive, coercive etc? If so, speak to the police, they may have a word with him. Given your situation there's no way in hell you should be the one to leave and if he's stressing you out, which obviously he will be, again speak to the police as he will be putting both you and your baby at risk.

Fortunately my ex, who sounds very similar, eventually did leave. I came home every night and asked him why he was still there. He eventually got the message.

Sorry you're dealing with this. What an utter wanker.

pikkumyy77 · 28/09/2024 15:54

Meet with a financial planner and figure out your options. I would try to get out and be nesting somewhere safe before the birth of the child because it will be harder after.

accept that its over and try to really separate as much as possible. He is utterly unreliable and uncommitted so there is nothing to do but prepare to be on your own.

Sdapx · 28/09/2024 15:58

@beenwhereyouare I would feel devastated as I’ve always wanted a family unit like my parents had for me growing up. I feel so much guilt for my baby because he deserves that. But right now I am thinking of the practical side and if I had somewhere secure and safe to live I would feel much better about things.

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 28/09/2024 16:06

Agree with pp. If there is somewhere you can go to nest with baby then do so.

If you can trigger the sale of the house now without too much stress then do so.

Contact child maintenance and child benefit asap after the birth (especially maintenance as this can't be back dated)

Regesterd the birth without your ex, give baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate. He can always be added later but removing him will be difficult if he proves to be a crap parent.

Do you have somewhere you can go?

In the meantime time, do as little as possible for him. No cooking, no laundry, no cleaning ( this one is hard if you live together.) you are not together anymore.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 28/09/2024 16:10

Do you want to live where you are now? Are you near family? If the answer to either of these is no, consider moving now. Once baby is born they will have somewhere they are considered resident and the court system are unlikely to force them to be moved. However if you want to move then the court may well say you can’t take the baby.

Singleandproud · 28/09/2024 16:31

Once the baby arrives and is up in the night hell soon leave.
I would set yourself up another room even if it was going to be the babies room and make it nice and relaxing and stick a lock on the door for good measure and then you have somewhere to go for peace and live effectively as flat mates.

As for feeling sorry for your DC having single parents it really isn't the end of the world. I've been on my own since I found out I was pregnant. My DD is lovely, extremely high achieving, plays on sports teams, always holding roles of leadership within the school community so it's done her no harm. Being on my own meant I had a day 'off' everyweek to follow my own interests, to catch up on my sleep and errands and I did an OU degree etc. my life seemed an awful lot easier than alot of coupled up mums I saw.

As PP said though, if you don't want to live where you are you need to move before baby is born. Otherwise contact etc gets real complicated and ex can stop you moving, so if you are going to need (and they are willing) family support you'll need to move soon.

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/09/2024 16:38

Contact womens aid for advice.

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2024 18:40

Stay elsewhere if you can, see a solicitor to get the house sold unless he can buy you out. Do that when you’re ready.

LightDrizzle · 28/09/2024 18:45

If his mother’s in his ear then I wouldn’t bet on him leaving once a crying baby is in the house. She’ll be there to “help” after all.

OP get legal advice on forcing the sale of the house and move out as soon as you can. Can you move in with a sibling or parent in the short term?

what an awful situation for you. I’m so sorry.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/09/2024 18:58

Sdapx · 28/09/2024 15:58

@beenwhereyouare I would feel devastated as I’ve always wanted a family unit like my parents had for me growing up. I feel so much guilt for my baby because he deserves that. But right now I am thinking of the practical side and if I had somewhere secure and safe to live I would feel much better about things.

Did your father treat your mother like he treats you though? It wouldn't be like your family growing up anyway because he is different and will not make it a happy home.

Can you move home temporarily to your parents? The courts will consider your child to be resident wherever he is born meaning your ex would need to travel to you to see the baby. It can be much harder moving after he is born. It will give you some time and space to consider your next steps.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/09/2024 19:01

I think putting the house on the market and separating financially asap would be the best bet.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/09/2024 19:05

with a mortgage to pay and bills to pay I can’t afford anywhere

Presumably he isn’t going to pay the mortgage or the bills if he’s not living there. What are you earning at the moment/what are your working plans for after the baby is born?

Sdapx · 28/09/2024 20:14

@Cerialkiller what would his rights be? He’s already threatening to take me to court even though I’ve never said I’ll deny him seeing his child. He is the type of person that would try for full custody just to spite me. He’s so cruel and showing his true colours I can’t believe this is my life.!

OP posts:
Sdapx · 28/09/2024 20:17

@Shinyandnew1 I work full time at the moment and was planning to go back full time afterwards but I don’t know now if I’m gonna be a single parent. It changes everything.

OP posts:
Bananapancakemaker · 28/09/2024 20:20

Giving full custody of newborn babies to fathers when the mother is competent is not a thing. In the UK ´custody’ is not the right word anyway.

beenwhereyouare · 28/09/2024 20:22

TheCultureHusks · 28/09/2024 15:51

I appreciate that people will say you shouldn’t leave the house if you own it too, but I think your peace of mind around the birth is more important. Can you stay with family for the birth and immediately afterwards?

If they aren’t local- please still consider it. You need to be away from him. You can change hospitals and birth partners. And do not give the baby his surname.

When you have recovered from the birth you can start planning - force a sale of the house.

@Sdapx This is a very good idea.

TheCultureHusks · 28/09/2024 20:33

If he’s starting to throw his weight around with the baby already that’s not a good sign.

Please think about not putting him on the birth certificate - if he’s going to cause trouble or use access to punish you then the first thing you do is make sure his initial powers are as limited as possible - you aren’t married so you can absolutely make sure you retain control. Don’t put him on the cert, don’t give the baby his name. If he steps up and is a good dad he can be added later.

If you move to your parents before the baby is born, it’s where you will already live - and he will have no grounds to give you to move back local to him. I would do this - you may want to eventually be back in your house, but if you go to your parents before the birth, he can’t force you to relocate back near him. Again, it lets you be in control.

Don’t worry about court. Firstly, if you leave him off the certificate he has a long battle before he can dictate anything and the baby will be a lot older before he gets parental responsibility. In the meantime of course you can allow access and hopefully he will build a good relationship with the baby - I am not suggesting for a minute that you keep the baby away, but the difference will be that you will be in control and can withdraw the second he acts inappropriately.

Even in court, access to a newborn is fairly limited for dads- the most important thing by FAR is the primary carer relationship. Little and often, with you there, is the norm. No taking baby away from mum, no ‘days out’ - you can tell him to go see a solicitor if he doubts it but the norm is an hour or so very regularly with mum there while baby is tiny, building up to time away and eventually overnight access probably not before 2years old. So do not be browbeaten into ANY separation in the first few months and certainly no overnights- it is not in anyone’s interest. Ultimately, your baby will be more secure in their relationship with dad if they AREN’T separated from you in the early days.

Shyfrog · 28/09/2024 20:35

Ask him to do things about the house for you like the dishes, laundry etc. will he do that?

FS90 · 28/09/2024 20:36

I’m really sorry OP. Why has he ended the relationship?

Cerialkiller · 28/09/2024 21:04

Sdapx · 28/09/2024 20:14

@Cerialkiller what would his rights be? He’s already threatening to take me to court even though I’ve never said I’ll deny him seeing his child. He is the type of person that would try for full custody just to spite me. He’s so cruel and showing his true colours I can’t believe this is my life.!

Zero rights initially. If you follow pp advice above and no name on the BC. Then he will not legally be the baby's parent.

Yes he can challenge this and get his name put on but it means HE is the one who needs to put the effort in and prove he is interested.

Until his name is on there, any contact is completely up to you, you will be the only legal parent.

Bear in mind, if he isn't at the baby's registration you can't put his name on the BC anyway so if you are split up and not speaking then it's reasonable to not invite him after he abandoned you.

Really good point by pp too about moving before the baby is born. Go to where you will be most supported and safe.

Be aware that child maintenance is due even if his name is not on BC. You may need to prove paternity for that if he challenges it. He may also try to get out of paying in various ways eg leaving jobs, going self employed. The system is pretty shit in that regard and some deadbeat dad's get out of paying.

It's possible none of these bad things will happen but I've read the circumstances on here over and over and it's invaluable to know the potential pitfalls.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/09/2024 21:17

You've had some good advice here OP.

Think about where you want to live as a single parent. If that's not where you currently are, move there before the baby is born. (In with your parents? Or nearby?)

Don't put him on the birth certificate, don't give the baby his name.

This will buy you time.

Try and force a sale of the house as soon as possible.

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