What do I do?

[smiler271]

I’m writing here for some clarity because I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years, we have an 8 month old son and we live together in a house that he owns solely. My partner runs his own business which can be stressful for him. He mostly works from home and when things are going badly at work, his moods permeate the whole house and make it not a very nice place to be. I’m at home a lot with the baby being on maternity leave and it’s not the calm happy environment I would like!

He also gets worked up about small things. For example, this morning I asked him to take the bins out then he came in grumbling that I’d used the wrong bin bag. Then launched into a whole tirade about how messy the house is (it isn’t), how he hates it here (we’ve moved to countryside from city) and that the weekends fill him with dread. This is hurtful as the weekends are when we get to spend time together as a family and I look forward to them! He also says oh I know what will happen today, you’ll take ages getting yourself and the baby ready and by that time it’ll be afternoon and there won’t be time to do anything and you won’t have a plan anyway. None of this had happened! I felt like I was being told off for something that hasn’t even happened yet!

I’m worried because I don’t want our son growing up in a house where there’s so much stress. I know my partner is like it because of his family dynamic as I’ve witnessed many times arguments in there household. I had the odd shouting match in my house when we were teenagers but this certainly hasn’t continued into adulthood. I’m just not used to it and don’t know what to do!

At a bit of a loss!

so you moved together from city to country but
he bought the house
and you’re not on the deeds

oh and you’re not married?

come on OP, wise up

all sounds a very unhappy environment for you let alone your poor child as they grow up and become more aware

Thanks really helpful @chestnutroast

We were renting together in the city. The house was bought for him by his parents so there wasn’t an option for me to go on the deeds.

do you actually have any advice? Or just wanted to take pleasure in telling me how stupid i am?

Did he want a baby? Did he not think life would change a bit once you had one?

None of it sounds good and your situation is quite precarious not being married or having a stake in your home. How’s that all come about?

hell yes there was the “option”

he just chose not to pursue with his parents

my advice?
suggest counselling
ensure you gather as much financial information as possible given he’s self employed
may come in useful in the future

The thought of leaving just fills me with so much dread. Once I go back to work I could afford to rent on my own financially but the thought of sharing any custody of our son and not being with him all the time destroys me. And to be honest I find the thought of being alone quite scary too. It’s just so hard.

There were definitely red flags that I chose to ignore before we had the baby. I don’t regret having him for a second but I do feel so stupid sometimes for getting myself into this situation.

I do love my partner and he’s not always horrible it’s just sometimes.

Just posting to get it off my chest really

You've been together 7 years and I'm guessing he hasn't always been like this or you wouldn't have had a baby with him.

Has his behaviour changed since you moved to the country? It's a big adjustment moving to the countryside and it sounds like he's climbing the walls. Do you two get any time apart?

It's also unfair to expect you to do everything around the house, if the house is messy then he has a pair of hands and you're a team. Not master and servant.

Why aren't you on the deeds of the house? You're not married and have no financial protection; your career will take a hit from maternity leave.

My advice would be to get back to work asap, make sure he’s contributing equally to costs with child care etc and that you’re able to put some of your money (that you would have been spending on rent or mortgage) aside into savings so that when it does all go tits up you have an escape fund.

You are very financially vulnerable being unmarried with a baby in a house that you don’t own/have joint tendency of, that’s why people are being a bit snarky.

So many women don’t seem to realise the predicament they put themselves in and then end up trapped in shitty relationships which damage not only them, but their child.

Make your life emotionally bulletproof so that you’re not relying on him for your home, income or happiness. Yes at some point your DS will have to go a stay with him if you split, but he doesn’t sound the type to be going for 50/50 if he dreads weekends. He sounds a lot like my XH who had the DC once a week, which was actually a nice little break for me and enabled me to have a night in with a takeaway, or go out with friends, go on dates and meet my new partner!