Relationships with a chronic liar - what to do?

[SofiaJessica4]

Earlier this year I split with my partner of four years, due to his chronic lying.

We still live together and I'm pushing to get him out of the house as soon as possible as I'm finding it really hard him being here

I'm still reeling from all the things he's done, and things I've found out since. 18 months ago I found out he'd maxed out his credit cards, putting our house at risk. His parents had to bail him out to the tune of £15k, mostly spent on frivolous things. At the time he blamed me - he told me I was overspending on food. It was only when I checked all his bank statements I saw the truth. He'd spent £500 on fabric for example for hobby projects, which had sat unused.... that I returned by explaining to a very knowing shop owner that he couldn't afford it. £500 on Amazon gadgets sat in the box.

He then trickle truthed and hid more debts that I discovered when going through his phone (with his permission). We struggled on for 18 months more as he went to therapy to deal with lying, but basically I was done.

This is on the back of other serious lies that came earlier in the relationship that I chalked up to divorced problems and forgave him for. More fool me.

Why do these men do this? The cognitive dissonance is real. He is a liar. He is also a caring, funny, hard working man that I was in love with. I really struggle to put the two together. My brain hurts.

He told me he wanted to change and be better, but I didn't trust that. Because he also said 'therapy was hard', 'he didn't have the capacity', and because he'd lied multiple times in the past about going to therapy.

We were a 'blended' family - he has 2 kids and there was constant conflict with the other household, I was permanently stressed.

Since we split, I've discovered he's seen high end prostitutes - during his redundancy when he didn't have any money coming in and wasn't paying child support I might add. He's also promptly fallen in love with a woman in the Philippines who he's talking marriage and babies with. He's also lying to her.

Has anyone experienced this? Did you leave? If you're coparenting, have they changed now?

I'm grieving and keep questioning my decision .... was I meant to accept this... he keeps getting away with this behavior, does that mean it's Ok? Was he ever going to change? I couldn't see it. His mother told me she overlooked this behavior in his dad, but I just couldn't do it.

It’s not normal. No you shouldn’t accept it. He does it because he learned it from his Dad and he learned that women are meant to accept/overlook it from his mother. Don’t continue that cycle. Show you own children that this is unacceptable behaviour and they should never accept people lying to them. Liars lie. You can never trust them and if you can never trust them, then you cannot have a healthy relationship with them. Model healthy relationships to your children. You don’t deserve this. The problem is with him. Also, get a sexual health check as he’s likely been putting it about in all sorts of ways you don’t know about. If this is what you do know, I dread to think what you don’t know! Get rid. He’s a loser and a liar and you deserve far, far better than this!

Just to add, block him everywhere and go full no contact. You don’t need him in your life. You said you have a blended family so if you have to communicate with him re child contact, do it through a parenting app and only discuss child contact. Nothing else. Block him on your phone, social media, email, everywhere. Don’t engage with his friends or family as they will be his flying monkeys.

Congratulations for getting out of that awful situation. You will never get any answers to those questions in your head so you just have to try to close that box. Focus on the now and future.

I guess if his mum and dad's relationship was the same, he and they see it as normal. But it's not normal at all.

He doesn't actually want to change, but gave lipservice to it when he thought it would make you stick around. That's all.

The less contact you have with this crook, the better.

He doesn’t love anyone, including you. The poor DC - he’ll be doing it to them soon.

Compulsive liars can’t be treated because they do it deliberately. Nice, eh.

Avoid to repair your life and heal yourself.

Yeah last poster nailed it.

He's a crook.

You get it through your head that the ‘caring, funny, hardworking’ bit is also a lie. It’s the persona, all of it is part of his only way of being which is to have a fake ‘front me’ and a real ‘back me’.

There are a lot of people like this in the world and one do the biggest favours you can ever do yourself is to NEVER give them a second chance or benefit of the doubt or ANYTHING.

Every person I’ve ever known who has done this has been fucked over.

Once you realise you’re involved - in any way - with a habitual liar, you cut and run.