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Original poster

Husband lied about a relationship

32 replies

EllenSpark · 27/09/2024 22:11

My husband and I have been married just over 1 year, and we've been together almost 13 years, with some breaks in our younger years.
A long time ago, we had a significant break of around 6 months but we did in fact continue to speak and see each other, but would tell each other we were 'trying to move on'. During that time, my now husband denied ever seeing anybody else but I told him I'd been dating others. We got back together and the rest has been history. However, I had always suspected something had happened between him and my then friend, but they'd always denied it. He even accused me of 'being crazy over rumours' and made me feel like it was all in my head. Over the years it's cropped up in arguments and he would continue to deny it, tell me I'm being stupid etc.
Anyway, last week she appeared on my Facebook messenger (even though we are not FB friends) and to cut a long story short... After a bit of chatting and catching up, she ended up admitting that they did basically have a relationship but none of them wanted to tell me at the time as to not hurt me. My husband has now admitted it but has conveniently has forgotten details. The other issue with this is we got back together when she returned to her home country for summer.
The reason I'm writing about this is I feel REALLY hurt by it, despite it happening so long ago, it feels raw as I've just found it. I'm also finding it hard to trust my husband now as he's lied to me for years, despite having plenty of opportunity to come clean. I furious he made out it was all in my head. I'm feeling betrayed by my 'friend'. I also feel sick to the stomach if I get intrusive thoughts about my husband with another woman. I'm also now feeling really insecure and wondering if he enjoyed her more etc. One part of me wonders if I'm second choice to her as we got back together after she left.
Am I allowed to be this upset about something that happened many years ago on a break? Perhaps I just need to get a grip and get over it. Maybe I'm more upset about the lying than the relationship itself.
I am surprised at myself actually for how much I'm letting it get me down.
Any advice or opinions on whether I'm justified being upset, and how to learn to trust my husband again?

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 27/09/2024 22:14

I'd be hurt and furious that he made out that you were imagining it and lied to you.
For me I'd feel the relationship was built on a lie. I've no idea how I would react or deal with it though, I can't imagine many would unless they've been there as some will feel it was so long ago it didn't matter, but some would feel it was a repeated betrayal to lie to you.

How has he reacted to you finding out?

Original poster
EllenSpark · 27/09/2024 22:33

Well at the start of last week I'd sort of pieced it together from bits of info I could remember, and I knew he was lying by his face (13 years together does that)! So I had been asking him earlier in the week about it. I said 'I pretty much know, I just want to hear it from you', and he admitted they kissed. It was at that point I just decided to ask her and she revealed all. In fact she told me TOO much and I now have that in my head. He's said he is sorry for lying but he didn't want to hurt me and cause 'this'. My argument is similar to the point you've made, I feel like our relationship is based on a lie. If I'd known he was seeing her, I doubt I would have got back together and maybe they'd still be together now? But I didn't know, and we did get married, and now we've had a baby! I'm not in a rush to get divorced but the lies and deceit feel like they've started a rot in our marriage.

OP posts:
OlivePoetry · 27/09/2024 22:38

How long ago was this exactly? And how old were you all at the time?

Original poster
EllenSpark · 27/09/2024 22:52

It was 10 years ago 😬 This is why I'm conflicted about how I feel. I'm hurt like it happened yesterday, but objectively realise it was a long time ago. It's a long time to keep up a lie though. We were 21 (me) and 27. For context, my friend worked with us and that's how we all met.

OP posts:
OlivePoetry · 27/09/2024 23:17

Are there other problems in your marriage?
Because it seems like an odd thing to keep coming back to and arguing about, seeing as you were on a break when this happened. What do you think you would have done if he told you at the time? Would you still have decided to get back with him?

I do understand why you are upset now that you've found out and you feel like you've been lied to for a long time. But why did you keep arguing with him about it over the years? If you got back with him after being on a break that was probably the time to draw a line under what had gone before. It feels like you've held on to this for a long time.

bunnypenny · 27/09/2024 23:21

How would you have felt back then if he’d said (when you’d separated) that he was also dating others?

why has she “appeared” in your messenger? Why is she contacting you?

Guavafish1 · 27/09/2024 23:24

Sounds like there are other lying issues

Original poster
EllenSpark · 27/09/2024 23:57

One of the reasons it has been ongoing is because they stayed in contact until recent years. A couple of years ago I noticed they'd been talking on FB, so it got brought up again.
I don't know why she's been appearing at the top of my messenger. Like I said, we are not FB friends anymore but have spoken over FB over the years. It was really strange that for several days in a row the 'algorithm' (however it works) put her as the first online person on the list, which is what has triggered all of this. I actually contacted her first this time when I figured my husband wasn't being honest. I think she seemed relieved to tell me after all these years as she did spill all.
I don't know if I would have got back with him back then if I'd known, maybe I would because I still loved/love him. But I could have drawn a line under it then (if I'd known), rather than 10 years later.
Like I said, how this one is impacting me has taken me by suprise. I'm don't give his exes a second thought for example. Maybe it's because it was my friend, it was when he was meant to have still loved me, or the news he had another woman after/during me was a surprise.
I know I probably need to accept that it happened and forgive them for lying. I think part of it feeling raw is that it's it's only just been revealed to me, and I've had to read about it from her like it was yesterday.

OP posts:
OlivePoetry · 28/09/2024 00:11

Well, you feel how you feel now and that's valid. To me it sounds like he felt you would dump him for sure if he let on that he was with you friend. I don't think I would have stayed with someone who had been with my friend, too weird for me. However you were on a break.

But if you do decide to forgive him and move on, then you truly do have to draw a line under it this time. Does that feel possible? Because you can't fight about this for another 10 years. And you've basically spent this whole time being suspicious of him...you didn't let it go and it sounds like you didn't want to in a way. Id explore why that might be, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

RockyRogue1001 · 28/09/2024 00:59

Am I allowed to be this upset about something that happened many years ago on a break?

Fuck yes @EllenSpark
For all the reasons you mention

Because for YOU it isn't 10 yrs ago, it's now
So your DH, who - at best - has been an ostrich, is going to have to have to face/deal/have conversations Now about then, including his behaviour in the meantime

loropianalover · 28/09/2024 01:03

Sorry to be blunt but you look like a complete mug having to hear it from this woman (your ‘friend’) because your husband was too much of a wimp to tell you. He now conveniently has forgotten the details, has he also forgotten that he called you crazy and stupid for asking about it?

This isn’t something I could let go.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:09

Over the years it's cropped up in arguments

You mean you would bring it up in arguments in some weird attempt to strengthen your side to them, correct?

Your husband was under no obligation to tell you about his relationship with this woman, and I think it's obvious he lied so you wouldn't feel hurt. Yes he lied, but I don't think it was to deceive you, it was to spare you. He isn't perfect, neither are you, but he did not cheat on you.

Let it go. Or not, and allow it to ruin your marriage. Your choice.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:11

loropianalover · 28/09/2024 01:03

Sorry to be blunt but you look like a complete mug having to hear it from this woman (your ‘friend’) because your husband was too much of a wimp to tell you. He now conveniently has forgotten the details, has he also forgotten that he called you crazy and stupid for asking about it?

This isn’t something I could let go.

He doesn't owe her any details. Not one. What happened between him and that woman is none of the op's business.

Pinkissmart · 28/09/2024 01:12

The relationship was a long time ago, but the gaslighting and lying is recent. I also wouldn’t like that he’s still in touch with her. Wouldn’t like it one bit.
I don’t know. I hate lies.

loropianalover · 28/09/2024 01:21

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:11

He doesn't owe her any details. Not one. What happened between him and that woman is none of the op's business.

Show quote history

I disagree. That woman was her friend, and he had also stayed in contact with her. That’s not the same as not owing her details, it’s actively lying to her about what their relationship to each other was. To hear ‘none of us wanted to tell you’ is going to be a gut punch.

He is married to OP and owes her the decency of not making her feel like a crazy person (he called her crazy and stupid), and the dignity of hearing the truth from his mouth instead of from her on Facebook messenger.

It is not about the ‘details’, it is about how he has handled this for X amount of years, how he has responded to her questions in the past, and how he simply didn’t want any trouble for himself so found it easier to call OP crazy and stupid for believing ‘rumours’.

SleepPrettyDarling · 28/09/2024 01:21

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:11

He doesn't owe her any details. Not one. What happened between him and that woman is none of the op's business.

Show quote history

Disagree. He has not started from a position of honesty and transparency, and now he conveniently pretends not to remember.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 28/09/2024 01:30

OlivePoetry · 27/09/2024 23:17

Are there other problems in your marriage?
Because it seems like an odd thing to keep coming back to and arguing about, seeing as you were on a break when this happened. What do you think you would have done if he told you at the time? Would you still have decided to get back with him?

I do understand why you are upset now that you've found out and you feel like you've been lied to for a long time. But why did you keep arguing with him about it over the years? If you got back with him after being on a break that was probably the time to draw a line under what had gone before. It feels like you've held on to this for a long time.

@OlivePoetry

she doesn't feel like she's been lied to, she HAS been lied to!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:32

SleepPrettyDarling · 28/09/2024 01:21

Disagree. He has not started from a position of honesty and transparency, and now he conveniently pretends not to remember.

Show quote history

The op should never have asked him about his possible relationship with her in the first place. It wasn't her business, and of course he's continued to lie, and I would wager most people would under these circumstances. He dug himself into a hole with his denials and he didn't want to hurt her. It's not great, obviously, but humans aren't.

Cookiesndreams · 28/09/2024 01:33

If he didn’t think it was any of her business he should’ve said that and refused to answer, then OP could have drawn her own conclusions. But it’s absolutely wrong to say he was justified to lie to her because it’s “none of her business”. Aside from that he was also gaslighting her which is very cruel.

And why would he keep talking to this woman knowing how you feel @EllenSpark The fact he did so indicates he was still attached to her because why else risk getting heat from you to talk to someone in another country if she didn’t mean anything to him? He must’ve known the more he spoke to her the more likely it was his secret would be exposed.

OP I’d be worried because it shows a certain level of deceit. If he had it his way it sounds like he would’ve taken this secret to the grave.

It’s really unfair he didn’t give you this info before you married and had kids. Did the woman tell you how serious it was?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:37

If he didn’t think it was any of her business he should’ve said that and refused to answer, then OP could have drawn her own conclusions. But it’s absolutely wrong to say he was justified to lie to her because it’s “none of her business”. Aside from that he was also gaslighting her which is very cruel.

I never said he was "justified" to lie.

If he had it his way it sounds like he would’ve taken this secret to the grave.

Well no kidding. Why wouldn't he have? The op didn't need to know and he's not a serial killer.

Pinkissmart · 28/09/2024 02:03

OP said they were in communication during their break up and BOTH discussed whether they had dated other people. OP was honest, her husband wasn’t.

Cookiesndreams · 28/09/2024 02:04

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 01:37

If he didn’t think it was any of her business he should’ve said that and refused to answer, then OP could have drawn her own conclusions. But it’s absolutely wrong to say he was justified to lie to her because it’s “none of her business”. Aside from that he was also gaslighting her which is very cruel.

I never said he was "justified" to lie.

If he had it his way it sounds like he would’ve taken this secret to the grave.

Well no kidding. Why wouldn't he have? The op didn't need to know and he's not a serial killer.

Glad you agree he’s not justified in his lies then. It’s bang out of order, he removed her ability to make an informed decision about their future. OP may well have freaked out a bit but then moved on. Instead he’s kept this hidden, knowing it has been bothering OP all
these years. And preferred to make her think it was all in her head.

I don’t think anyone said he was a serial killer. I didn’t anyway, but the point is has been massively deceitful. The fact he was willing to continue to gaslight OP to her death bed if needs be is a bad sign. This definitely suggests he is capable of lying to her about serious issues.

Well this woman evidently decided OP did need to know. Just a shame she - or better still OPs husband - didn’t do so many years earlier though.

solice84 · 28/09/2024 05:29

I completely understand

It's the lies

My dp has a female friend I've always been suspicious about and he swears blind nothing had ever happened between them
If I find out down the line that this isn't true I don't think I can stay with him

Buildingthefuture · 28/09/2024 06:09

You feel how you feel. You were not together when it happened, but I think the gaslighting around it (calling you crazy/stupid etc) would piss me off. He was wrong to lie. But, I agree with @Aquamarine1029 I think he did it to spare your feelings and, once he had told the lie, he had to keep it up. Not great, I agree. But I think you are reading too much into her going home for the summer and you therefore feeling like you are second best. Most men are quite simple. If he wanted to be with her, he would. Instead, he married you, had a child with you, wants to be with you.
It was 10 years ago. I think, IF your relationship is good overall, I would explain to him, very clearly, how much his lying has hurt you. And that, if he is lying about anything else, this is his chance to tell you. Then I would move forward with the clear boundary that I now knew everything and any further lies were a deal breaker.

Celt2024 · 28/09/2024 06:13

I'd be enraged and disgusted.

He knew he was in the wrong and chose to continue deliberately deceiving you.

I could never trust him again and wouldn't bother trying.

This is who he is.