Sex and Marriage (Sex Therapy?!)

[neepsa]

Together 8 years. Used to have sex fairly frequently. I was more experienced than him, and I think he found that novel. Never ever had an orgasm having sex/foreplay with him. He doesn't seem to mind or even be aware (although have spoken about it).

2DC and a whole load of stress later - I don’t want to do it at all. With him. I hate cuddling, kissing, the thought of trying makes me tense up and feel like I could throw up. I’ve read numerous threads and suggestions like ‘cuddling, intimacy without penetration, sensual massage’ just make me 🤢

Hes good with kids, fair share of housework, attractive and very good job. I think most women would be falling at his feet (and they do!) - why not me? He doesn’t seem that bothered by lack of sex either, so I’m starting to think it’s a problem with us both. Maybe he doesn’t fancy me?

I still have a sex drive (I think?!) and would be ‘able’(?!) to have sex with someone else (obviously I wouldn’t!).

Do I not fancy him? I don’t know?! Is it hopeless? What’s wrong with me. I really think there’s a brick wall gone up and I can’t get it down. I think we are both SO awkward now it would be impossible. Please help me salvage this.

Please don’t suggest ‘It’s dead. Get divorced. Not fair on him’ - I have young DC and am looking for suggestions on how I can find that spark with my DH again and save my marriage. Thankyou x

Have you read Ester Perel 'Mating in captivity? (If not you both should!)... she also does some podcasts and writes online about how security can be very unsexy!

Be thankful he's not pestering you for sex and you still like him, you have a better foundation for regaining a spark than many people who post here!

I have no idea on this green earth why you stuck it out with a man who can't please you in bed. I would have moved on pretty quickly. I'm assuming you settled because you wanted a family.

It doesn't sound like you've ever been attracted to him and I doubt a therapist could work miracles. So you could find a lover, split up or stay celibate.

Thank you. I have seen that booked a few times in my search for answers, I will order it now x

I don’t know why either. I think I enjoyed it at the start, even without climaxing, and assumed it would get better. I too am guilty of not pushing the issue, and raising it earlier.

”how Not to let having kids ruin your sex life” is a good book - I hope you can find a way to talk to your h about how you feel and fingers crossed he will be on board with working on things together. You deserve to be happy, I understand you wanting to try everything you can to make the relationship work for the sake of your family.

Thank you. I will order that one too x

Firstly, have you read about the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire? Do you get into the mood once you start?

I had a similar issue to you, lack of effort on his part, and resentment set in. The sex we had was suiting him well enough, so any effort he made for me (when I complained about his lack of effort towards my orgasm) was temporary and quickly tailed off. And I thought, why should I keep making the effort to improve our sex life when it's so much more rewarding for him?

But eventually I realised that, since I definitely was not ending the relationship over it, and also not prepared to have a sexless marriage, I just needed to accept that, just as he takes responsibility for some jobs I don't like, I take responsibility for keeping the sex fire "lit", and sorting out my own orgasm with toys, sometimes before he has come so I'm not just an afterthought. Initially it felt uncomfortable and like I was "performing", but once we get going the responsive desire kicks in. We now have "date nights" twice a week, and that helps, as it means I know in advance and have time to get my head from work mode/mum mode into a more sensual place.

Also, I don't know about you, but for me, by 9pm sex is off the cards, as I'm too tired. So it has to happen as soon as kids are asleep.

Don't know if any of that will help you. I find that getting regular sexual contact keeps the desire closer to the surface, easier to access.

Agree that the Esther Perel book and podcasts are great, especially the podcasts, worth a listen.

Good luck!

Thankyou @Tripleespressoplease thats really helpful and promising advice x