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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex in a loveless marriage

14 replies

PinkGorilla · 27/09/2024 20:44

If you are staying in a marriage just for the sake of the kids and for financial reasons, do you still have sex with your spouse? I'm afraid if I don't, he will split up with me. Yet I can't afford to live anywhere that I feel would be nice for my children and I certainly wouldn't want less than 50/50 custody.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 27/09/2024 20:46

That would be coercive behaviour, it's illegal now.

ReturntheSausages · 27/09/2024 20:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

BarbedButterfly · 27/09/2024 20:50

Have you both agreed to this or is it dead from your side only? I am asking because surely if he knows you are just staying for the kids then he wouldn't expect sex from you and you would have some sort of agreement to have discreet partners if needed.

If he thinks all is fine then yes, most do expect sex in a relationship. No one should be having sex they don't want ever so if this is the case it may be time for a hard conversation.

Honestly I feel quite uncomfortable that you are only staying for a nice house and not to share custody. Both of you deserve happiness and appreciation.

DreamHolidays · 27/09/2024 20:50

It’s rare when someone is happily agreeing to have sex with someone they dint live nor fancy.
Same applies in a marriage.

Now you might think that carrying on having sex is the answer to your current issue. In my experience though, having sex with a partner just to keep the peace ➡️ forcing yourself to have sex ➡️ feeling crap about yourself. You’ll simply end up feeling repulsed by it all.

If your partner is telling you it’s sex or a divorce, then that’s coercive. And coercive sex is rape….

Beastiesandthebeauty · 27/09/2024 20:59

Your children learn relationship expectations from your relationship. I stated for the kids .. can make the kids stay for the kids .. ect ect.

DoloresHargreeves · 27/09/2024 21:14

That's just life. You can choose not to have sex. He can choose to leave.

Presumably he wouldn't want to have sex if he knew you didn't want to? If he would, you have much bigger problems.

Original poster
PinkGorilla · 27/09/2024 21:18

He doesn't make any effort with me, ignores me and belittles/gaslight me if I ask for even minor help or engagement from him. The only time he is nice to me and gives me attention is if he wants sex and afterwards he quickly retreats back to his mancave and normal ignoring resumes. I'm not 'only staying with him for the nice house'. I pay for most the stuff here. But I know if we split, he is self employed and can hide things to make sure I'm am entitled to nothing. We have three kids and I can't even afford a 2 bed rental. Even though I technically earn more and pay for everything, I'm still on part time minimum wage. All his earnings are kept for himself or hidden in building capital for his business. I've tried and tried to make this work, but I can't take the neglect and emotional abuse anymore. I'd rather just save up and live like lodgers until I can afford to leave. I've told him how I feel, but he never takes me seriously. He knows I'm kind of trapped and he thinks he's got me wrapped round his little finger. I'm afraid of being homeless and childless if I don't keep the peace though.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 28/09/2024 06:13

This sounds like a really unpleasant and difficult situation to be stuck in. I'm afraid I'm not sure what the best answer is. If you feel trapped in a relationship by the way he hides money then that sounds like financial abuse. Perhaps it's worth contacting Women's Aid to see if they have helpful ideas? And can you confide in any friends or family?

DreamHolidays · 28/09/2024 09:33

Ok so the situation you are in is that you’re trying to put your ducks in a row by saving as much money you can to be able to leave because you’re living with an abusive ar*hole.

How long do you think it will take you?
And seeing your description of him, can you REALLY make yourself have sex with him? Or could avoid the sex long enough to save the money you need?

Im assuming that you’ve checked everything re UC to see how much you could get too (whilst assuming you won’t get anything from him).

Doggymummar · 28/09/2024 09:37

You'll be entitled to a lot of UC as a single mum on part-time minimum wage with three kids. Check the calculator.

category12 · 28/09/2024 09:56

If you're married, then you have claims on the marital home. Why would you be the one to have to leave?

Get some legal advice on the quiet and check what you are entitled to as a single parent. OK getting child support out of him may be difficult if he's like that, but there are probably shared assets he can't hide.

I don't think you should continue to have sex you don't want with a man who treats you like this. It's just too high a price for your mental health.

Goldenmemories · 28/09/2024 12:41

Get out, OP. It will be hard, but less hard than staying.

username0489 · 28/09/2024 12:48

PinkGorilla · 27/09/2024 21:18

He doesn't make any effort with me, ignores me and belittles/gaslight me if I ask for even minor help or engagement from him. The only time he is nice to me and gives me attention is if he wants sex and afterwards he quickly retreats back to his mancave and normal ignoring resumes. I'm not 'only staying with him for the nice house'. I pay for most the stuff here. But I know if we split, he is self employed and can hide things to make sure I'm am entitled to nothing. We have three kids and I can't even afford a 2 bed rental. Even though I technically earn more and pay for everything, I'm still on part time minimum wage. All his earnings are kept for himself or hidden in building capital for his business. I've tried and tried to make this work, but I can't take the neglect and emotional abuse anymore. I'd rather just save up and live like lodgers until I can afford to leave. I've told him how I feel, but he never takes me seriously. He knows I'm kind of trapped and he thinks he's got me wrapped round his little finger. I'm afraid of being homeless and childless if I don't keep the peace though.

Can you get evidence of his financial situation? Speak to a divorce lawyer and get advice. You might need a forensic accountant to look for his cash.

Do you have a mortgage? If so you should be entitled to a share of the house as well as his pension and child maintenance.

It will destroy your mental health to have sex with someone you don't love. The only other thing I can suggest is letting him know that you want to stay living together for the children and you both lead separate lives. That means he's open to date other people.

DreamHolidays · 28/09/2024 18:57

@PinkGorilla i fully agree about seeing a lawyer too.
You need to know where you stand.
You also need to have an idea of what would happen if you stay and he leaves or he stays and you leave. Incl could you keep the mortgage on your own?

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