So hi. This feels quite vulnerable but I'm really hoping for some advice.
I'm married to a husband I love.
My childhood was good in some ways and bad in others, but pretty good over all.
My parents divorced when I was in my early twenties, and I fell out with my dad around the same time (but not because of the divorce, rather our own lack of relationship/neglect on his part/him being mentally abusive and the straw that broke the camels back for me was him getting physically violent for the first time) and haven't been speaking to him for years. I prefer it that way because even though he have his moments of charm he is mostly not a very nice person.
I have my mum and younger brother whom I love.
I don't have that many relatives. The only relative I've ever been close to was my grandmother on my mothers side. I really loved her deeply and still do. I miss her often even though it's been over ten years.
Our relationship have been the closest, even though she lived 5 ish hours away in another town and we only saw each other a few times a year. We spoke on the phone and she would send me letters.
I have one cousin left in that town and my mothers sister lives there as well. My mother have little to no contact with her sister because their relationship was very strained and took a lot of energy from her because she could be really mean. So I don't really have contact with her anymore because of that, even though she always where nice to me. We usually only text happy birthday. The cousin however we see maybe once a year. But not that close either.
So the rest of my relatives are on my fathers side:
One aunt (fathers sister)
One cousin (her son)
My grandfather
(+ sort of his wife after my grandmother (decesed) but who is now divorced)
Their two kids (now adults) which are like cousins to me but they are my fathers step-siblings.
These people we usually see like 1-2 a year. When us kids grew up they would come for every kids birthday so like 3-5 times a year.
I still go even though it's not very pleasant seeing my father who is sort of dead to me, but I go even though and just pretend he isn't there, don't talk to him and he acts the same.
Thing is, I don't feel close to any one of them. I feel like every gathering is out of obligation rather than fun and I don't enjoy going. I do feel like most of them feel the same way. Maybe some think it's sort of fun since they continue to invite to celebrate even tough they are adults, like 2 of the cousins. But only for bigger b-days.
I feel like I barley know any them, my aunt and grandfather never made an effort of spending time with me of my brother as kids and getting to now us. One of the "cousins" I played with a bit in my tweens but not that much anymore.
I've always really valued family, it's very important to me. So it feels a bit sad that I don't really like any of them or know them really well. But like I said I have an amazing husband, mother and brother. My husband isn't close with family/relatives either, even less so than I. So we are quite close knit family which I'm happy about even tough I do feel a bit sad it's "just" us.
Now to my question: do I just continue to attend these gatherings out of obligation? I don't know how the future will look like since my grandfather is probably not gonna live for that long since he is old. My guess is that my aunt and one, maybe two of the cousins will continue to plan events at least sometimes. Maybe 1 gathering a year, if that. I do sort of hope it will fizzle out eventually. A part of me feels bad about feeling that, what if I will miss it once it's gone? But tbh I really don't think I would.
I think I want to try to get pregnant soonish, but the thought of bringing my baby to one of these gatherings just hurts my heart. More or less all of these relatives are very negative and it's very draining to spend time with them. I don't want my father to meet my hopefully future child. I feel like he hasn't earned it, and I also don't feel like he is a person I would want around a child. As far as I know no one knows of our estrangement and why except my closest family. Maybe dad told them idk they have never mentioned it.
I think I won't invite people to ours when/if we have a baby, but maybe I will feel the need to say yes if they ask to visit. I have no idea how the dynamic will be then or if one of the cousins would also have a baby.
I sort of feel trapped with the obligation, they have after all been at all my birthday parties age 2-18-ish giving me gifts. When I got older I realized birthdays could be celebrated in a pleasant and fun way, rather like "it's always been"/obligation, just having a chill day with my closets family for example, and we stopped hosting. So they call/text for my birthday instead.
I know how ungrateful it sounds but these gatherings really aren't pleasant or loving, they are very much an obligation and I'm tired of obligation. Any advice? Anyone experienced something similar? Any one else that don't like or really know their relatives? It's so weird to me that we don't like each other more and are more similar since we are related.
Just stopping saying yes to invites feels so rude.
Not inviting them if we have a baby feels rude.
But I don't even really like them or enjoy spending time with them? Is it like this for everyone?