Has anyone made a LAT - living apart together -relationship work?

[SashTea]

Been together 3 years and recently I keep hitting against the horrible thought of 'How can we do this for the next 10 years?'

He's a truly great person and (unhelpfully) I really feel had we met before kids and had a family together, we'd have gone the full mile - it's a brilliant, healthy, loving relationship, but it's limited. I sometimes feel so alone because we can't fully be there for each other and practically speaking I am, ultimately, on my own.

Can we survive without moving forward like most other relationships likely would have done by now? We're juggling two separate lives, which is hard when they're both already full. We live half an hour's drive apart, both have DC. He has his 50/50 and I have mine a bit more. It's absolutely the right thing not to live together and disrupt their lives, schools, routines etc. - plus our parenting styles are different so we're definitely not living together until youngest is 17/18.

Sometimes it's fine but right now I'm knackered from planning and rushing around to see each other while running a house, working full-time and being a half decent mum.

If we prioritise seeing each other it's impossible to stay on top of everything else, and if we see each other less I feel really disconnected. He says he finds it hard too but just tries to be grateful for what we have. I'm clearly less of a feel good person (may also be slightly perimenopausal) but I'm struggling.

There's no solution though, is there? If anyone made it work (or didn't just as importantly) please hit me up with how/why!

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas yes that's very true. If he were just down the road we could pop in to each other, drop stuff off if one of us were stuck, say hello etc. Whereas an hour round trip for any of these things is a total PITA and often just not possible.

Not met the other - DP would rather wait til they're both ready which I understand - I try not to take it personally but sometimes I get a bit sad

We see each other once or twice a week. It can be less in winter if I have DC at the weekend and neither of us is much inclined to leave the house after work. We live in the same city but it's not that easy to get to each other (30 mins drive one way at best, up to 2 hours on public transport). So I get what you mean about not being able to pop in. We probably wouldn't do that anyway, it's just not our style. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing though, the important thing is how do you feel? You seem slightly unhappy with the arrangement, is that because you'd like something different, or just because you feel like most other people do something different?

@SashTea we are with each other 7days and nights out of 14 days. It evolves around my dc as I have the 50% of the time and he has his eow and more in holidays. My dds are 12 and 18 and his both under 10. My older dd prefers it just us 3 so he stays over when I’m child free or it’s me and dd2. We do work full home together, go on walks and coffee on our breaks ect. He wants to move in when dd1 goes to uni but although I want to be with him all the time it has to fit in with my daughters. I do miss him a lot and he’s 45 mins drive away so we can’t just pop over, it’s tiring sometimes working out the logistics and planning. It’s ok as I have lots of clothes and toiletries at his place and give versa.

@LadyChilli I'm definitely a bit sad about it at the moment, but conflicted because I 100% know it's not the right thing for any of us to live together until the DC are older. And there's a lot about our set up I do like, I enjoy some mixed time altogether with both our DC, but I really value having most of my time just with my DC; plus nice quality time just with him.

We've talked about it over the last few days (we've not seen each other so fairly brief), and are going to talk properly later about some small changes we can make to make to cope with it better/make it more tenable. I think we've both been rubbish in different ways with communicating when busy so upping that will be a start hopefully. Thanks for sharing - it's definitely helped me unravel some of this.

I do miss him a lot and he’s 45 mins drive away so we can’t just pop over, it’s tiring sometimes working out the logistics and planning.

Yes I think this is where I’m at - tired and a bit upset from missing him in between our time together. It would be easier for sure if we lived closer too. I also don’t want to lose my own life - I have good friends and obviously I want to see them, though when I do it means I might not see him for a week.

It’s great you get to work from home together sometimes though, I suppose it’s a half test to living together too!

Following as I'm in this situation, small children but DP has none. He feels sadat times because time is limited to weekends. Any other relationship he's had has started with living together. That just won't be happening with me.

@SashTea yes in those days we work from home together which is every week we do get that experience and it works as we get to laugh, joke and cuddle though the day. It’s in testing times that it’s a real challenge but that’s with most relationships I guess. If it was with someone else the challenges would be the same. Bit low atm as we were going on our child free holiday to Greece. I have cancelled as my ex fil in hospital fighting for his life so I have my dd2 and dd2 abroad now with her dad. I’ve decided it’s too risky to go esp if poor man passed kids will need me. We were counting down but we did go abroad earlier in the year with his dc ( I also took mine abroad separately.., it’s expensive at times trying to keep everyone happy.

Meant my dd1 abroad 😅

We message a lot when we're apart so maybe that would help you? Like a running conversation all the time.

A friend whose relationship was also LAT for some years used to have a videocall going on all evening, so they'd be talking or just able to see each other while getting on with other things.

I'd find that a bit much, but it worked for them. (They also didn't have dc at home so might not be practical).

Happily LAT for the last 10 years. My kids are growing up (youngest is 16) so I expect I’ll move into his apartment in a few years. Will still keep my own place though, until the kids are through university and settled in their own homes - I never want them to feel they have nowhere to go.

Ah sorry @AnonAnonmystery that's really rubbish, we'd both be gutted as both live for time away together. I hope you can get away again before too long, and sorry about your FIL.
Gah yes to the expense too. I don't have a lot spare to go around but do value getting weekends away just us, I need them for me and for us as a couple! But trying to include everyone - things with him, things with all 6 of us, things just with me and DC really mounts up.

Yes, I think we definitely need to message more. We're both busy at work, him more so - I can always find a bit of time to fart about on Mumsnet etc. but I think he's very single focused so even though he may be thinking of me, he'll wait until he has time for a big newsy message that probably takes him 5 full minutes to write, but for connecting purposes just a 'good morning' and a bit of random news about his lunch or whatever would do me. What worries me is not being able to stay close and connected if we don't live together for another 10 years, this will be 13 years in total. So to him, while I don't think he sees messaging as that significant, we don't have a lot else to hold us together in the times we are apart.

@MayaPinion that's a good call about keeping your place. You sound lovely. I don't think finances will allow that IF we get to the stage of moving in, but would definitely want somewhere big enough for them all. Actually, just thinking of the housing market now... they're going to be with me until their 30s aren't they - time for me to recalculate the LAT again maybe😐

I’m in this type of relationship. Met him online almost 2 years ago, we are just over an hour apart. We have our DC similar amounts of time too so we usually see each other EOW with a few bonus ones with the DC or if they are away with their other parents. We have talked about the future and realistically we are several years off living together. I can imagine us living together once the kids are older/moved out. Blending would be tricky though.
I think the key for us is we do message every day. Start with a good morning text, it’s our little habits like we play Heardle each morning then say which ones we got. When we are working we will message at lunch time to check in, share when we are heading home. Then once the kids are in bed we watch TV together, apart…so we text ‘Go!’ and start watching same time. I do miss him when it’s the full fortnight apart but I’ve got used to it.
It does sound like you’d be happy enough in your relationship with more communication from him in between meet ups. Have you ever raised it with him?

When I was in my 20s I was with my partner for 6 years living apart - it worked because I was young had things to do working seeing friends ect all those 20 something things you usually get up to
after that, I spent 10 years in my 30s with a living partner, but it all went wrong
now I’m my 40s was I dating someone for over a year who lived 1.5 hours away by public transport ( I don’t drive ) and he made it very clear that he would never move in with somebody liked living on his own and having his own space. I get that- but after a while, I realised I needed more companionship than the ones or twice a week visits, I found it very lonely. In my 40s, I don’t want to go out every weekend and go to different friends houses during the week- I go to work and come home and obviously would like someone around . Of course, I’m not expecting him to move in after one year, but he never wanted to ever in the future and I realised I was just going to be lonely so I’ve decided to just end things. A lot of my work is working from home, so spending all day alone or even alone just didn’t appeal

I am sorry about the loss of your Mum.
However, the living arrangements of her and her husband sound like the dream. If I met someone else, this would be heaven for me.

Me and DP have said similar before! We have the complete opposite tastes in how we want the house to look so when we're disagreeing over what colour to paint the living room, or she's brought home another god awful ornament we'll joke that my Mum had the right idea.

My Mum always claimed that the main reason she didn't want him to move in was that he'd then have the right to put cricket on the TV!

Yes. Together 10 years. Married 1. Two separate houses near each other, separate finances. Suits is perfectly.

This thread has made me feel at least thst our arrangement isn’t wierd and that il not alone in trying to make things work.

@SashTea holiday rebooked for May next year then in July we will go away with dc. A few other nice things planned but feel bad for him :(

That's lovely about the TV! I had and hadn't raised it with him - because often it doesn't seem like a problem, and it's not that he's uncommunicative - we always have messages in the eve and a goodnight one, then in the day it's sometimes a few but sometimes none. And it has bothered me before when I haven't heard from him so I've raised it but without the weight of our relationship's success potentially resting on it 😅

We talked about it the other night though and he completely agreed it would be good to be in touch more - he said he knows I'm busy and doesn't want to give me another job to do; and that he sometimes feels he has nothing to get in touch about. Anyway, the last couple of days have been lovely with shorter messages dotted more regularly through the day and it does make a difference to how close I feel to him. I used to 'save' news sometimes, then by the time the evening came to message fully or talk on the phone I couldn't be bothered. It's weird the habits we get into without even realising.

I also slept much better last night which is making me feel better - better than any text message could TBF!

I love that you're married! We have talked about this (not for right now but in the future before we can live together should we last!), and I think it's lovely. Congratulations 💚