Has anyone made a LAT - living apart together -relationship work?

[SashTea]

Been together 3 years and recently I keep hitting against the horrible thought of 'How can we do this for the next 10 years?'

He's a truly great person and (unhelpfully) I really feel had we met before kids and had a family together, we'd have gone the full mile - it's a brilliant, healthy, loving relationship, but it's limited. I sometimes feel so alone because we can't fully be there for each other and practically speaking I am, ultimately, on my own.

Can we survive without moving forward like most other relationships likely would have done by now? We're juggling two separate lives, which is hard when they're both already full. We live half an hour's drive apart, both have DC. He has his 50/50 and I have mine a bit more. It's absolutely the right thing not to live together and disrupt their lives, schools, routines etc. - plus our parenting styles are different so we're definitely not living together until youngest is 17/18.

Sometimes it's fine but right now I'm knackered from planning and rushing around to see each other while running a house, working full-time and being a half decent mum.

If we prioritise seeing each other it's impossible to stay on top of everything else, and if we see each other less I feel really disconnected. He says he finds it hard too but just tries to be grateful for what we have. I'm clearly less of a feel good person (may also be slightly perimenopausal) but I'm struggling.

There's no solution though, is there? If anyone made it work (or didn't just as importantly) please hit me up with how/why!

I've been with my partner for nearly 12 years. It's not always been easy but we make it work. Be has his elderly mother living with him and we don't want to uproot her, and frankly there's not enough space to all live at his.
It's become easier and more of a habit over time. We still want to get a place together eventually but for now things are as they are.
It helps that we DO work as a team and help each other with anything and everything regardless of which of our homes it relates to.

Yes I did it for eight years for exactly the same reasons as you, we just moved in late last year. It was worth it, we feel we did right by our respective DC, we don't take each other for granted and living together now is a hard won dream!

I should probably add that our initial reason for not moving in together what because I had a school age child. Child is now grown up and living elsewhere but we're still not in a position to be able to live together.
Very definitely a partnership though.

Thank you both - this is a nice surprise as am negatively assuming most people end up throwing in the towel!

@Berga your last sentence has brought a lump to my throat.

How often do you see each other @ScarlettSunset? Very good of your partner to care for his mum, but of course that throws another big element into the mix.

How did/do both of you get through tough times with your OHs, e.g. when you needed each other practically or emotionally but couldn't be together? Or when life was particularly busy and gruelling?

Are there any particular things that help(ed) you stay connected?

Team wise, he's really helpful and handy - so he's done lots for us at our house, so he does lighten the load for me where he can. I just feel so stacked life wise (I also help my mum who's half an hour in the other direction), and feel a bit sad at living this split life situation for so long.

Yet if someone had told me when I was in my horrible marriage that I'd meet someone who I loved so much, had a top sex life with and who was kind, funny and good with my kids I'd have thought I didn't need anything more at all. It is enough in so many ways, but it's also feeling so hard at the moment.

We've been together 8 years and are thinking about moving in together but it will take a while to organise. We're about 45 minutes from one another - we both use public transport.

How did/do both of you get through tough times with your OHs, e.g. when you needed each other practically or emotionally but couldn't be together? Or when life was particularly busy and gruelling?
We're both adults in our 50s, and we both manage our own lives separately so we don't need one another to do anything practical. During Covid we both did shopping for one another when in quarantine; he walked my dog. When he was ill I took his teenage daughter to see him in hospital, and went myself obviously. But basically we are both pragmatic people, and don't make a big drama if one of us has to concentrate on family/work for a while or is not able to be physically there for support. We both put in a similar amount of effort to show the other person they are important.

Are there any particular things that help(ed) you stay connected?
We go out together (on walks, to music events etc) rather than just sitting in watching TV. We have a glass of wine and talk. We meet up at the weekend and one evening in the week, and come up with ideas for things to do together. We go on holiday together. We cook for one another. To be honest, we spend more time interacting with one another than I did with my live-in but workaholic exh.

He had to go on a health cure for 3 weeks after his time in hospital, and it was weird seeing one another again after all that time. But that kind of thing just shows that you must like one another, doesn't it.

I am in the same boat as you and feel the same, I have been questioning this as well,

When we were in COVID lockdown, we couldn't form a bubble with each other and didn't see each other. Agree with @80s that talking is very important in our relationship, we have always made a real effort to really listen to each other, our communication is wonderful and kept us going when it couldn't be face to face. I really respect him as a person. And we talked openly about how living apart worked for us, we had (silly as it sounds) shared Pinterest boards for planning our future home, we built a savings fund for it together, and we always agreed that our DC come first. It's never been a step family, I'm not a step mum, but we are equally commited to our DC and what they need even now they are grown up. It's all been worth it.

Not me, but a good friend of mine is in a relationship of 10 years standing living apart. He did actually move in for 2 years and it was a disaster that nearly split them up. But they've gone back to living separately and are very happy again now.

Is it harder than you expected? And is your plan to not live together for a long while yet? I don't know if I'm being a princess about it all but just really miss him sometimes - and in a way if I was single I wouldn't have this extra thing to manage and fit in AROUND my life, rather than our relationship being a real part of it. Hard to explain but it can be exhausting. Yet if we split up and I met someone else it would be the same thing ultimately, unless we lived a lot closer. And I don't want to split up. Gah. Head. Exploding. So. Tired 😩

My Mum and StepDad never moved in together, even after they married.

Initially it was because he had teenage kids and didn't want to disrupt their lives, and my Mum had no interest really in a stepmum role, me and my brother were nearly in our 30s at this point!

So they lived separately, she spent a couple of nights at his every week, he a couple of nights at hers and a couple of nights apart.

By the time they were in a position to live together, they'd both decided that this worked better for them. A few people thought it odd when they then decided to marry but stay living apart, but they were happy and that's what mattered.

Unfortunately my Mums cancer came back and she died about 5 years after they married at 55. My stepdad basically moved in for the last 6 months when she needed the help. I think they'd have stayed in their situation for many more years though if Mum had still been around, and probably not moved in together until their 70s.

To be honest, we spend more time interacting with one another than I did with my live-in but workaholic exh.

This is a fair point - we definitely have more QT than I did in my 10 year marriage! Thanks @80s - you sound really grounded. I am independent and managed fine without him, but it's strange that now he's here, I want to be able to share the load together - especially if one or both of us are stressed, have house problems etc. But it is what it is of course and I'll take heed as it sounds like this has worked for you both really well.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots That's very sad about your mum, and so young. I'm sorry. It's so lovely that they got married. We have briefly talked about whether we'd do this or whether it would seem a bit odd. Reading your post, it seems lovely and rather romantic 🙂

@Berga that's lovely about the Pinterest boards! Really nice. I suppose part of it is I feel in no mans land. We don't really have a plan as such. I know it's 'only' been 3 years and it's likely to be another 9 or 10 so it feels early to be planning, yet late to be drifting along seemingly going nowhere!

The marriage was at least partly practical. Mum and Stepdad kept their finances separate so that their kids would inherit, but there was a lump sum in her pension that paid out to her husband in the event of her death. It would have been wasted had they not married.

They'd talked about getting married beforehand, but after Mums diagnosis it became a bit more urgent! But it wasn't just about the practical, my Mum told me it was her way of sticking her finger up at the universe. Basically, "Yes, my life is going to be a lot shorter than I'd hoped, but this man has made me the happiest I've ever been and I'm going to have a party to tell the world"

And your post has reminded me I really should give my Stepdad a shout. I've been a bit slack about keeping in touch and my Mum would be pissed at me if she knew!

Been with DP nearly a decade. Love him deeply. No intention of living together for myriad reasons including children.

As time has gone on he has stayed an extra night in the week while my children are home, and it's more usual for me to get on with stuff in my house while he's here as we're a little older, a more established couple, and we don't feel the need to spend every moment we're together being couple-y!

We're 3 years in. I have 50% care of my DC, his are grown up and away from home. It's a choice for us regardless though, we wouldn't live together even without my parenting commitments. We're very happy and I love him but I couldn't live with him and I don't want to ever live with a man again. He feels the same.

I get what you mean about juggling. I don't mind being busy so that's ok for me, but yes it's tiring.

What it means though is that we probably see each other a little less than would be ideal. I like this. I miss him and I enjoy missing him. I never get bored with him, I look forward to seeing him and for the most part our times together are fun and date like. We're in contact all day and we're there for each other if needed but I am quite self reliant and have lots of friends so don't need much. For me it's like picking out the good bits of a relationship and leaving all the rest aside. It's not for everyone though.

From my limited experience of living with a man, even one I adored, was we saw less of each other living together than separately. A lot less quality time. We used to schedule dates so we could sit and talk about other things rather than the laundry.

Now I'm at the point where I will never live with another man. I like my home and my space too much.

My sister and her boyfriend live 10 miles apart, and they are still together after 37 years.

I think the problem with your setup is you live 30 mins from one another- I have a colleague who has the dream set up her partner lives down the road so now kids are teenagers they can see each other more while still having seperate homes.

Even if your partner was 5 minutes away it would mean you could have more spontaneous visits but with 30 mins it probably adds to the annoyance of having separate lives

DP and I are 9 years into a set up like this. We live about an hour apart, alternate visits each weekend and holiday together. We're both in our 50s.

When we met my DD still lived at home and as she was just coming to the end of secondary school (and it had just been the two of us at home for years) I wouldn't have contemplated moving someone in so for the first few years DP and sort of ticked along (he doesn't have kids). I'd say that around years 4 -6 I became pretty agitated about the situation and struggled with us not having any clear plan for the future. I was conflicted though as I actually like living on my own and I'm not sure how I'd adapt to having him here.

This conflict was odd as on the one hand I was very annoyed at him for not pushing a conversation about the future yet on the other hand I wouldn't have known how to react if I did.

Anyway, for the last few years I have pretty adapted to the LAT set up and if I'm honest now I'm not sure I'd want us to live together any time soon. I suspect we'll carry on like this indefinitely and by the time we are in our 60s and both retired that might bring things to a head.

I'm generally OK with things, but I have the occasional downer about it and feel very on my own when it comes to dealing with ever single thing that needs doing in the house. Then again, I have things exactly as I want them and don't have to ask his opinion every time I get some decorating done!

I'm in a similar situation.

Been together 2 1/2 years. My DC are 18 and almost 23 but his are only 12 & 15 and his eldest won't even talk about me let alone meet me

Eventually we really want to live together - I stay at his whenever his DCs are with their mum but we can't move in together til his eldest either changes his mind or is older

What it means though is that we probably see each other a little less than would be ideal. I like this. I miss him and I enjoy missing him

Thanks for your post @LadyChilli. How often do you see each other? We're twice a week but three times when we both have child free weekends (without co-parenting swaps or something else cropping up). If it's only once a week though I miss him and uncomfortable amount and find myself shutting down a bit. I don't have the patience for it! I undoubtedly need to change my outlook though.

I think maybe a key difference is how often you're in touch too - you said it's throughout the day which is lovely. He's always really busy at work so at most it's a text in the working day then a couple in the evening. The other week I stayed quiet too and didn't hear from him until 7pm - for the first time that day! It's not enough, I don't think, to stay connected when we don't have anything else practical, like a home, to anchor us.

@Blushingm that must be really tough, have you met his other DC? Hope you're managing it all ok, that's a lot to navigate around the usual complexities of relationships when you both have children.

I kind of get why you want this but also - your load is yours, and you'd be carrying it whether you were with him or not. Sharing the load is helpful but brings other issues one of which being the relationship becoming more mundane and less special. I'm grateful my DH lives with me and can fix things that go wrong in my (our now) house but if he still lived elsewhere I'd still have to sort out the house problems and I wouldn't have the issues that come with living together - knowing his toilet routine, picking up his bits of engine and machine that he strews around the place etc. Of course living together is great when it's great but it's not the be all and end all. You get to keep the dating stage going indefinitely which is lovely!

I'm generally OK with things, but I have the occasional downer about it and feel very on my own when it comes to dealing with ever single thing that needs doing in the house. Then again, I have things exactly as I want them and don't have to ask his opinion every time I get some decorating done!

@Candleseason yes! I'm regularly conflicted as there's lots to love about having my house and my rules. And getting to go into goblin mode by myself 😆

But yes I feel lonely sometimes, like I have this lovely relationship some of the time but when we're apart and things are going south, it feels harder him being out of reach than I think it would if I was single. But I may be catastrophising, and again - perimenopausal. He'll always help, he always offers even when I don't ask, but I don't want to lean on him too much because it would be too much - he has his own DC, house and life to manage.

I'm glad things feel like they're ticking along nicely at the moment for you. You sound in a good place and accepting of how it's working at this stage in your lives. I guess it's the uncertainty, for me anyway, where you don't have a real plan for where you might be or not be in X years.