So confused

[Silmao]

Please can someone help me work out what happened here.

i was with someone for two years, living together for one. We were very close but when we were living together it became clear that there were some incompatibilities. Whenever we discussed this, I pointed these out (basically they wanted a family on a different timeline from me / I was less sure, I wanted to travel and live life (with them!) before settling down and finally they wanted to stay in their hometown whereas I was open to living in many other different places).

They kept saying they were fine with me finding somewhere for us to live nearby but as it came to the crunch, they decided they didn’t want this at all. They broke up with me in anger but then immediately took it back and begged for me back. They seemed truly shocked when I wanted to end it and said it was unfair how they had treated me. They said I had said i “wanted to be together for a really long time”. They often said they didn’t want to lose me and that we had an emotional connection that would only happen once or twice in a lifetime.

I really wanted to talk things through more, to work out our feelings, our emotions, discuss things. We lived together after all. However they were resistant to this and it always ended in arguments. I treated them with kindness and respect when I moved out but they were contemptuous and scornful, making little digs the whole time.

i feel so battered and bruised by what happened and the fact we were never able to discuss things maturely. This is what I really wanted. I also perhaps naively thought that given the break up was in anger, we could try and work through some of our issues. I was the one who was leaning more towards a break up initially whereas they kept labelling what we were going through as a “bad patch” but it seems now they have completely just distanced themselves from things. We are only 30 and in my mind that I would have been enough time to live life together and then work on our goals together.

i at least think we could have discussed our feelings after two years rather than just closing the door in anger. I know he misses me and really loved me, and I had strong feelings too, but the way this has been handled was needless and unnecessary.

It's not supposed to be this hard. 2 years in you're supposed to still be in sunshine lollipop and rainbow land, not bickering and breaking up with eachother in a fit of pique like highschoolers. He's 30 years old, if he can't have a grown up discussion about his relationship now, he never will. Just move on from this clown show and find a grownup to date.

What I am taking from your post is that every time things didn’t go their way, or you stood up for what you wanted from life, they got upset and tried to find ways to manipulate you into accepting what they wanted instead.

And now you’re out of their immediate reach and have proved that you can’t just be bent to their will.

As much as you loved him, and he may have loved you, it honestly sounds like you are well off out of things and free to find someone who will be a true partner to you.

*edited to correct an autocorrect fail

I’m not sure what you want from this post. You wanted to break up, reasonably enough, because major incompatibilities emerged about how you saw your lives unrolling when you lived together. They initially didn’t want to split, but then they did. The relationship is over, which is what you wanted, but it’s not clear from your post whether you want some kind of ‘exit interview’ or whether you now want to resume the relationship?

I don’t know what I want, just not this really

So wait, what happened - he broke up with you, you were open to reconciliation if you could both have a proper talk about it, he did want you back but wouldn't talk about it, so now it's fallen apart for good? Is that the summary?

I can see how that is frustrating and hurtful, especially if you both loved each other.

(Also... Can you not just say "he", like you did at the end of your post, instead of this obscure "them" business?)

I think our communication was completely awful and I probably implied that I wanted it over. He said the final words but I couldn’t go on living as we were living.

His actions implied that he still wanted me back but he then said he thought it was toxic and we couldn’t make it work… despite a few days earlier saying we could. He repeated all my words back at me rather than having an opinion himself. It’s just completely messed with my head. I would have valued the opportunity for an open and honest talk and to discuss and take ownership for our mistakes, but he just wanted to draw an end to it, it seems. There were lots and lots of mixed messages

Yes, I see what you mean. Difficult, and sadly sometimes there's nothing you can do to make that conversation happen as you hope it will. Men will shut down, compartmentalise to protect themselves.

You said you didn’t want to be with him. That changed how he felt about you.

In all honestly, he’s done you both a favour. You can both pursue the life goals that are important to you on the timelines you want now.