I think I need help, I would describe myself as Vulcan when it comes to relationships, I don't see that as a bad thing but i feel a little lost of late.
My life story in a few paragraphs... (apologies for the use of 'I')
First felt a leather belt waged 3, the crime was getting out of bed to talk with my sister.
Most notable memories of parents are of them fighting, he would punch her unconscious, sometimes she would win with an iron or a grill pan to his well deserved face. After more drunken beatings, divorce ensued, as did sexual abuse for me and my other sister.. she lost the plot, and well.. we don't speak anymore... as sad as it is my family is fragmented. I don't talk with my mother either, we last spoke 20 years ago. Father, not seen him since primary school.
I told my mother what happened when i was about ten years old.. it was when HIV was in the spotlight, spent my entire childhood thinking i was going to die from the hivvies.. got a test aged 18 because I was climbing out of my mind, failing at uni.. my microbiology degree was a waste of time.. found drink and drugs to numb everything except loss, it was one particular loss.. a girl i'd only known a few months and my dog, the most loving border collie.. probably shot to death on a farm because of who my mother was dating.
Upset with my losses, I strapped a guitar lead around a wardrobe handle and slowly let it take my weight, fortunately, it pulled the handle off..
Following this, I walked to a police station and told them what i'd just done and the reason why, it it was because my 'rap!st' was also guilty of doing the same to his own children.. i learned this two years earlier but i just couldn't bear to talk to anyone about it.. I definitely couldn't talk in court at the age of 16.. it haunted my twenties, i would drink lots of vodka.. a disaster waiting to happen.. sitting on train bridges.. cliches of a snicide victim..
I sometimes speak with one of his daughters, I feel wholly responsible for her suffering (she's doing well at uni).
I did ok in life, i've held several jobs requiring a degree of responsibility and skill, to the outside world, I would even appear successful. What they don't see is the lamenting soul, if such a thing exists. I can deal with most threats of violence, dangerous situations that would make a lot of people react badly, the only things I struggle with are keeping my own house in order.
I have a lot of hobbies, naturally, I live alone. My partner is very understanding of the mess, If I could change one thing about myself it would be that and I have tried.. I'm just a whirlwind of chaos.. someone will say, "oh that's a nice idea".. i will then go about designing and 3D printing several prototypes, buy a container ship of equipment for the electronics project side of things and end up with a pile of mess.. sometimes I stop and chastise myself because i was too busy thinking about something, I didn't stop to think about the mess it was creating.. I will think nothing of setting up a chemical processing line in my kitchen, if that is what is needed.. there's one there now.. so i don't eat very much..
I create that much mess, it's impossible to know where to begin.. so I don't, i just work around it. It definitely stresses me out.. its a dichotomy, to be able to create such mess, live with it but hate it all the same.
I've asked for help, I was previously diagnosed with Aspergers, though I think that label is used too often to describe people who have a little intelligence and a smattering of malaise.
Does anyone know of a type of therapy that would help someone like me?
Thanks for reading.