To try again....

[Newbegg]

I don't really want to discuss this with anyone who knows me encase they think I have lost my mind!!! Basically after an almost year separation, instigated by myself. Lots of small reasons, alcohol, on his part, being rude towards me, not engaging with myself or kids, silent treatment. We had this conversation a few times over the years and we both tried and then fell back into our ways (no intimacy was my fault) Sorry but to go into all the details, would take forever to write up.......We have barely spoke, every time I tried to, he refused to. About the kids, (teens) selling the house. But this past week he has apologised for his wrong doing in the marriage and asking for another chance. Saying he knows what went wrong and will do everything in his power to make it right again.....I can't believe I'm even writing this to be giving the suggestion any thought, but I am. I'm really in turmoil and can't help thinking, what if..... My head's saying no you've done the hard part and came through the other side, don't go back but the lonely part of me is saying, what if!! I just don't know what I'm even asking for by writing this down, just someone to understand it. Sorry for the rant....

Don't fall for it!

Keep away from this loser.

The things you list aren’t small, especially the alcohol. Is he willing to stop drinking?

Only go back if you're prepared to have exactly the same problems with him as you had before. People rarely make lasting changes, especially when they feel like they've got their feet back under the table.

What's best for the children?

I think you should try again because you are married but your mental health could dip again and you are probably so used to being better mentally and don’t remember what it was like to be unwell

I think you should try again because you are married

Did you get stuck in the 1950's?

Could you go back again and read the OP.

Sounds like a total car crash and there are children involved who have been living in this shit show for years now during their formative years. God help them.

*face palm moment.

Don't do it!

There's nothing more lonely than a bad marriage!

He's had forever to change. So why now? Is it because he's realised his kushty life will go up the swany if you leave him? No more maid service or childcare? Have to wash his own pants?

Be logical about it. If he's not given a fuck about changing for ages, refused to even talk about it...and now he suddenly wants to work on things (supposedly) I'd be asking why? And I'd bet my left ass cheek it's not because he cares a jot about you.

It'll be for his benefit.

Life is too short op! OK, he's apologised, great, take that, forgive him and move on - as a single woman. You can forgive someone without it meaning staying with them.

Your gut knows it's time to go.
Long past time to go tbh.
Listen to it!

Try and find out

Going back to another life years ago ….

DH and I separated for five whole years.
He talked his way back into my life when he’d had heart surgery. I gave up everything id built up to move back in. That included the house I was buying.
It was the most horrendous decision I’ve ever made.
Leopards don’t change their spots.
DONT do it OP. Just don’t.

Has he stopped drinking? If so that’s removed what was clearly one of the biggest issues so it might be worth revisiting, with him still living separately etc.

If he is still drinking - Forget it. Same old same old.

Why the fuck would you do this to yourself and your kids? How many times, exactly, do you want to go through this shit?

Don't be daft. Nothing has changed, and definitely not him.

If you do, I would keep it fully separate from your children. Like, - 3 years of good behaviour, including quitting drinking. Imagine the damage to put your children through this twice if/when it doesn’t work out again?

I would think very carefully about going back, don’t let nostalgia or loneliness sway your judgement.

Same thing happened to me. My ex says all the right things. I just can’t do it, his personality & traits can’t have changed so the issues will still be there. If you’re convinced alcohol was fully to blame for his shitty behaviour then that’s different but be honest with yourself about this.

He says he has but I'm not so sure as he couldn't/wouldn't when we were together. I think it has more of a hold over him than he cares to admit.

@Edingril one early teen would have dad back in a heartbeat, other mid teen (17) isn't really giving him the time of day at the moment., as he has not been consistent with contact.

@ShortyWentLow that's the thing I'm thinking, I couldn't of made it clearer on previous occasions how I felt and why I was unhappy. Yes he's had family bereavements to deal with, which have been really difficult for him. But it still doesn't take away that nothing improved between us for long. He sees this as bumps and not worth throwing our marriage away. Gosh I'm even annoyed at myself for thinking it. He just gets inside my head.

@StarDolphins thank you, that resonates about loneliness and nostalgia, it gets lonely and I'm trying hobbies, friends. But still miss the partner side of things. Honestly if the alcohol is taken out, I'm not sure who he is. As he works and drinks as soon as he comes home. So he wasn't being his true self.... For clarity he wasn't always a nasty drinker and provided financially and completed all DIY, just enough for me to feel uncomfortable and unhappy.....

“But this past week he has apologised for his wrong doing in the marriage and asking for another chance.”

You could give him a chance at reforming his life while staying separated. If he consistently demonstrates genuine change in all the ways necessary after a considerable length of time then maybe let him back under your roof. You decide after a level-headed appraisal of his behaviour.

That way whether he succeeds, fails, or won’t even try you will have your answer.

‘Lots of small reasons, alcohol, on his part, being rude towards me, not engaging with myself or kids, silent treatment’

These are massive issues, I wouldn’t. You deserve better. You have done the hard part

You'll be kicking yourself soon if you take him back
My alcoholic exh convinced me he'd stopped drinking
I let him back
He stayed 1 day before going back to the woman he'd met after we'd split
And thank god she took him back as he's since lost his driving license and career due to drink
Honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking

What has he done consistantly that would indicate a genuine change?
People are very good at keeping up new and hiny behaviour for a few days, maybe a few weeks. Then they slip back into old patterns.
Never trust his words, only trust what you've been seeing with your own eyes.

So, what has he done over the past 6 months, what has he been consistent with, that would show you he really does have remorse and he's changed?
My guess is the answer is nothing.

If you really do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, which I wouldn't advise, I would tell him that he hasn't even come close to making ammends for how he's been behaving. Tell him that you want to see consistent change on his end, while you remain separated and are continuing your lives without each other. This change inclused no drinking, regular therapy sessions, no verbal abuse, consistantly being available for the children, showing emotional availability, ...

If 6 months or a year down the line he's stuck with it and he is a new man, maybe. Who knows. But don't fall for it too easily.

@Girlmom35 thank you for your comments they are very helpful. Up to now he's been pretty inconsistent with the kids and hasn't communicated about the separation. There's so much that isn't right with the whole situation, I wish he never mentioned it as it's really making me unsettled. Thank you