No sex

[Queen12345]

Husband of 25 years won’t touch me. Avoids sex. Is this common? Friends seem to have to fend off their husbands. I seem to have opposite problem.

25 years of him avoiding having sex with you?

He may well be gay but whatever the reason the situation isn’t going to change at this stage in the game. Therapy or counselling would be pointless.

Do the other aspects of your life make this marriage tolerable for another 25 years?

We’re good friends. We’re comfortably off. Would love someone to hold me though.

Yes. Maybe it’s me

feel so worthless

It's probably not you - it's probably something about him, and it might be something that he has kept secret the whole time. There's a whole range of women (and men) out there whose partners want lots of sex. People don't have to be supermodels or amazingly fun or anything else in order for their partner to want sex with them. They just need a partner who actually wants sex. I've seen several threads on here recently from women whose husband didn't want sex with them and then the women found out that he had been the same with previous partners as well.

I’m attractive. 5 9’ blonde. Size 12. He’s not interested

Has he ever been tested for low testosterone? My friends husband has this and has caused him very low sex drive , irritability, etc so could be worth checking it.

I wouldn't think it was you. If its been this way for a long time then it's likely to be him.

Have you ever tried to talk to him about it? Does he get embarassed talking about sex in general?

Im sorry to hear you're going through this OP. You deserve to feel attractive and loved!

Yes, he hates talking about it. If I’m getting dressed or undressed he averts his eyes. If I wear pretty underwear, no reaction. Never compliments me or says I’m attractive or anything.

I'm so sorry for you OP.

It's one thing to go off sex as you get older - but to have had this sexless marriage from the start is awful.

To get no physical touch - not hugs, cuddles, kisses, is the very worst.

I think he's gay and always has been, possibly denying it himself.

That sounds really tough to be in this situation for so many years. I guess maybe in the early days you didn't know that this was unusual in a relationship, or thought it might get better, and then after a while you were more committed and it seemed too late? Do you think he would agree to something like an open relationship? Otherwise, I guess sadly you have to choose between the comfortable lifestyle or leaving in search of something else - not an easy choice at all.

That sounds hard and i would think definitely not typical in any marriage.

You need to have a matter of fact conversation with him and ask him the truth. It will be scary for both of you but you deserve honesty to know where you stand.

Hi OP

Firstly, I just want to tell you, that you are not worthless, and I bet not unattractive either! I also read the part about you coming last in the list of priorities, you shouldn't as you are just as important!!!

Your husband on the other hand, I'm unsure what to say. No sex is one thing but no other type of intimacy either. We need affection. Your husband averting his eyes, flinching etc it sounds like your marriage is just a living arrangement.

If he likes porn he's either got a long term addiction and he's been using it for so long that he can't connect to another human. It's his issue and he needs to confront it, whether he's gay, addicted to porn, just doesn't fancy you whatever it's not going to get better unless you can both sit and and talk openly, yes it will be confronting but surely it's better than him making you feel this way. It's almost cruel.

Truly wishing you the best

Thanks. Very lonely.

Many thx everyone. Appreciate your comments. Xx

You've got lots of solidarity and sympathy here - rightly so. Is there anything else you're looking for from this thread, OP?
Help to plan a next conversation about it? Help to work through the stay or go options? Support to work through what you actually want and need from a physical relationship?

Thx. I think the next stage I need to work out myself. How to start a conversation etc. my self esteem isn’t great. But needs to be done.

My sympathies OP. I’m in a not entirely dissimilar situation (although he’s affectionate there’s just minimal sex). A friend suggested an intimacy counsellor. Might that work, just for you in the first instance. No idea where you find them. Sorry.

I can see how painful it must be.
i guess the (difficult) question is - does he not want sex or does he not want it with you?
Would some counselling for you be a good plan?

Yes, I’m fully aware it might just be me.

Op.
I'm sorry this is generally crap for you.
The harsh reality here op is that ultimately you want him to want to have sex and be intimate with you . There is nothing more unsexy than having badgered or guilted someone into it.
No one wants that
It's clear for whatever reason is that he is not interested in being intimate with you . The only question you need answered is this something you can live with for ever or would it eat away with you.

After 20 odd years together, his issues might be with you in the relationship sense

not necessarily in the physical sense, you could be the most attractive person in the world, but if the relationship has potentially run its course, he might not be physically interested in you

Whether it's you or a general dislike for sex is irrelevant; if it's you it's still not your fault or something you can control, so try not to agonise over it. I'm in a sexless relationship and don't fancy my partner. I feel wretchedly guilty about it; it's not his fault, it's mine for choosing to be with a man I don't fancy. What you (and I) need to decide is how to proceed from here given the current situation, which isn't going to change after 25 years.