What is wrong with me?

[Shyathome]

I don’t even know where to start to be honest. My husband and I will be together 10 years in January. Married 1 year this coming week. We are going through huge problems. He’s neglected our relationship for years and now that I’m fed up and pulling away he’s trying to save it. I’ve specifically told him I want nothing sexual until/if we get better. I’ve spent countless hours explaining my feelings, wants, needs, ect. He still acts like he doesn’t know me personally. Never has conversations with me. We have two kids, the youngest about to be 2. My husband especially when told no and knowing I want NOTHING, likes to touch me when I’m sleeping. The problem is 50% of the time I’ll end up going with it. Then feeling like complete trash after. Knowing it was a mistake. Knowing I should have held firm and said no. I feel helpless and I’m losing myself

He absolutely should not be touching you without your consent.
But, it has to be said, if he's neglected the relationship for years why on earth did you marry him?!

Exactly that? Why marry a guy not invested in the relationship. That said when he touches you have you made it clear that it is something you don't want? At all ever, or just in the moments of a particular occasion? Using your sex life as a weapon to change him as a person is not mature sensible behaviour that will lead to the outcome you desire either. If you don't really want sex with him at all (and not because you want him to change) then why he with him? If he is not the person you like don't try using his desire for you to change him. Just accept you made a mistake and move on.

You’re withholding sex for some immeasurable goal? This isn’t going to achieve what you want.
You don’t have to have sex for any reason other than you want to, but this seems very strange op.
If you’re done, get on with it - this just feels like your hanging some fake carrot in exchange for actions he doesn’t fully understand and probably won’t achieve anyway.

I’ve specifically told him I want nothing sexual until/if we get better

And what steps are you two taking to "get better"? Are you working together to improve the relationship? Do you even want to stay in this relationship?

Of course you have every right to refuse sex, but it sounds like you're holding it over his head as a possibility/reward if things (magically?) improve between the two of you.

Unless the two of you are committed to improving things and are willing to actually take action in that direction, then I don't see the situation as tenable. It all sounds very sad and depressing for both of you.

You should probably move to separate beds/rooms in the circumstances.

If you don't want sex and he's touching you in your sleep, then there's no consent. Are you "going with it" because it's easier than refusing?