Don't know how to cope with this

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

So it's looking like DH and I are going to separate. It feels awful to say, but I'm not sad about losing him - what I'm absolutely devastated over is that we are going to lose our lovely life. Our house will have to be sold and we will both end up somewhere smaller in a worse location. Il lose time with my beautiful daughter (I can't even think about this too much as it utterly destroys me). We will have less money for DD. We have two dogs. Our families love each other. We are about to put explode a bomb into everything we've built. It feels like such a tragedy and a waste.

How do people cope with this? I'm only 31 and I feel like my life is ruined

Is there absolutely no hope of reconciliation?

How do people cope with this?

You just do.

You put one foot in front of the other and don't look too far into the future.

There's no point in worrying about the things you can't control (eg wider family relationships or what your next house might look like). The size of your house doesn't matter. It's the love, security and safety within its walls that counts.

When your daughter is with her dad, you build your own life - friends, hobbies, career, studying, whatever it is you want to do.

Other relationships can be maintained if everyone wants them to be.

But you don't need to have all of the answers right now. One step at a time.

Your life isn't ruined, the future is just going to look different to how you thought it would.

This is an exercise in resilience and independence. So find your own positives in it.

From experience, if you spend the next few months looking backwards and worrying about what you've lost, you won't see the joy ahead. If you face it head on, you'll only see the opportunities.

Watching with interest OP ❤️ Same situation

I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the same place as you, at age 45, and I have felt terrified of what the future might look like. It sounds though that you are making the right decision if you say you are not sad about losing him. I think at the moment we can only see everything we are about to lose. As we start to rebuild slowly, things will start to look different. But I agree the utter waste and devastation of it all, it's heartbreaking. I think a lot of couples stay together unhappily for years, because of this. But are they better off?

Thank you for the kind comments.

I don't think there is much chance of a reconciliation now, as we've both laid our cards on the table and know that DD is currently the only thing keeping us together. He feels no love towards me. Even though it's how I feel too it still hurts that he feels that way after all these years.

I know people do stay together for the kids, but I just cant see how we could keep up pretences knowing it's a facade? Sometimes I think I could keep it up just to protect DD but then I worry about things getting toxic and it affecting her. My parents hated each other and it used to upset me so much living with their constant unhappiness.

Utter waste and devastation sums it up perfectly @WakingUpToReality . Sorry you are going through it too, and @neepsa .

This is really helpful advice @GreyCarpet thank you. It all feels so overwhelming right now but I suppose I don't have to have all the answers right away. I just want to make sure that my DD feels like she's got a home, and feels safe and loved no matter what. That's what keeps me awake at night, the fear of all the ways that this will hurt her

AmandaPleaseDotCom

Good luck.

I actually had a really shit year the year my marriage ended and not just because of the marriage. I lost both of my parents too - one died and I had no choice but to go nc with the other.

The marriage ended 6 weeks before Christmas, I wasn't working at the time (due to taking time out for my dying father) and had very few friends (largely due to the situation with my mother with whom I'm now nc).

I remember just sitting there and wondering what the future would hold.

Then I remembered a line from The Shawshank Redemption (of all things!) in which Red said you can getting busy living or get busy dying. And I realised it was true! And decided to concentrate on new opportunities rather than what we'd all lost.

By Easter, I had a new job. My STBXH was supportive in terms of contact and parenting (knowing my family situation) and I threw myself into getting busy living. But only one step at a time.

I just want to make sure that my DD feels like she's got a home, and feels safe and loved no matter what. That's what keeps me awake at night, the fear of all the ways that this will hurt her

She will feel safe and loved because you love her and will keep her safe.

It's up to her dad the relationship he has and maintains with her. That is not your responsibility.

The material stuff matters far less (if at all) to children.

You will be ok.