Partner with extreme mental health.

[sillysausage40]

I'm 26 weeks pregnant at my Whitts end.

My partner has always struggled with a bit of depression and anxiety here and there. Good days and bad days. However he has always worked hard he's not lazy etc and we had some great times. He could be snappy sometimes over nothing which as I put a dish in wrong place!
I started to see that his bad days were taken out on me and it was a pattern.
But I loved him and I don't bail on bad days.

Here's where it gets mad..
When I fell pregnant he was somewhat happy and excited. We did baby shopping etc etc private little scan. But on his bad days that are getting worse and worse he'd tell me it wasn't his idea to have a baby????
He has continued to say the following:

I'm ugly
I'll never be able to give baby a good life
I bring him no value
I'm a loser
I'm vile
The next man I get won't stay with me
I'm dead to him
One minute he's taking the baby off me
Then he's leaving me to bring him up alone
My family could never be proud of me
I'm skint
Id be never sees me again it will be too soon
He's also said he hopes the baby is a little c**t and gives me loads of problems because that's the life I deserve.

This is just a mind a few things his lovely mouth comes out with.
We both have our own house ans was looking to buy together but thank god I withdrew from that and I am in my own home now full time.

I feel herendous because I've finally snapped wmd I've threatened to ring the police and told him all he'll be getting is a letter from CSA.
Because I've "threatened" him I'm now the abuser. I'm now a narcissist and he sees me for who I really am???

Honestly I don't know if I'm going crazy. I'm 14 weeks away from birth. I work from home. I've painted my whole house alone getting ready for baby. Whilst working. And looking after myself. And listening to him. I'm exauhsted

I don't know if he's a narcissist, if he's got a personality disorder, general mental health or if he's just a horrible person.
When he takes it too far he's always sorry after. But because I don't accept his apologies anymore he then goes back to blaming me for our relationship break down.

Even with intimacy... if I initiated sex or whatever he'd say "is that all you want me for?"
So I'd back off and then he'd moan that I'm un bothered.
I could never win.

I hate myself for snapping back but honestly I've reached my breaking point completely.
I've had to change my number to minimise the abuse and he can only send emails now.

Some days I feel motivated and free. Some days I cry cry cry. I can't believe what's happening.

Any advice would be great. Does this sound like mental health in a serious scale x

It sounds like you are living with an abuser who has gaslit you so much you don't know which way is up.

Please get in touch with Women's Aid and dump him.

It doesn't matter WHY he behaves like this. It matters that he does. He is abusing you, gaslighting you and he will destroy you. Leave of kick him out, Get some peace. Nest, for your coming baby. Get support from family and genuine friends.

When the bay is born do NOT add him to the birth certificate, do not give the child his surname. The chid has a right to a relationship with his / her father, brt negotiate from a position of strength.

Please dump.

1. Block him on your phone
2. If he has a key to your home, change the locks, get rid of him and his stuff
3. Speak to Womens Aid
4. Log his behaviour with the police
5. Be kind to yourself - none of his behaviour is your fault.

First and second responses are completely right. Any one of those things in your list would be enough to end this relationship. Focus on your self and your baby, seek the Freedom Programme. Some time away from him entirely will help you see what's acceptable and what isn't. Doesn't sound anything like a mental health issue, just sounds like abuse and cruelty.

Too many abusers blame their mental health.

Block his email too.

Make sure you are safe in your home, call 101 and log the abuse so if you ever need to call 999 they are already aware.

Women's Aid can offer you practical support and advice. They are especially helpful when you are pregnant or have a newborn. There may be services and help you can access in your area.

You already know he's abusing you, abusers get worse when a baby is involved. You've done the best thing for your baby staying away from him.

Maaaaate.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life, I've been on the edge of suicide and I have never, ever spoken to my husband like that. Fuck I haven't spoken to my worst enemy like that!

He's an abusive piece of shit and there are just no mental health struggles on earth that make this acceptable. I'm sorry but you have to woman up now, you're having a baby and you need to protect that child from this awful, awful human being. That's your job as a mum, leave him however you can. Seek the freedom programme, speak to women's aid, whatever it takes. You must protect yourself and your child.

MH issues are not an excuse for abusive behaviour. This relationship is over.

I'd strongly suggest you start making plans for the future without him. Make sure you have screenshots of all abusive messages.

Abusers often ramp up the abuse further when their target is pregnant. This is who he really is. Regardless of why he is the ways he is it’s not your fault. MH issues are indeed not a reason or excuse for abusive behaviour. The relationship is over and was the first time he abused you.

Give this child your surname and do not put him on the birth certificate. Do contact Womens Aid and never be afraid to involve the police if you feel threatened in any way by him.

This isn’t mental health OP, this is just straightforward abuse. Walk away and don’t look back, protect yourself and your baby. Good luck x

Pregnancy/childbirth can be a v triggering time for men and women with unresolved early relational attachment difficulties. Hence why abuse often ramps up/begins at this time.

he should be seeking support for HIS issues and taking responsibility for his own actions but he’s not is he, he’s projecting everything onto you.

he’s not in a place to be a good partner or father so leave him to it.

He’s abusive, and they often ramp up during pregnancy because they think they’be got you cornered

Well done for maintaining your independence. Keep him blocked. He sounds like he could become dangerous

Totally agree with this^^

You need to keep a distance between yourself and this man op. This could escalate in a nasty way.

His behaviour is abusive and completely unacceptable.

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/domestic-abuse-in-pregnancy/#:~:text=Pregnancy%20can%20be%20a%20trigger,or%20death%20to%20the%20baby.

Please read the link above and access help op. I am so sorry this is happening to you now when you should be enjoying your pregnancy but you don’t need to go through it alone. 💐

Thanks everyone.
Your words & advice mean so much.
I just feel so low & disapointed I'm wondering if it was my fault & if I fueled his fire by snapping back & not accepting his apologies. As pregnancy progresses I feel so vulnerable and wish I had someone Morgan to take care of me but I won't take him back xx

Regardless of whether he has a mental heath issue or not he is emotionally abusing you.

Absolutely right on not taking him back and furthermore do not have anything at all to do with him ever, he is seriously ill and abusive.

This could never be your fault; I really don't understand how you could think this way?

My own mum tells me not to fight against him and to try and have something even if we're not a couple

Honestly I can't believe my own mum gives me that advice. I feel like I'm being strong by myself and nobody gets it. Honestly I'm losing my mind x

@sillysausage40 Your mum is happy for your vulnerable baby to be at risk of harm from an abusive man?

Seek support from Women's Aid and tell your mum to date him if he's so wonderful. You're not losing your mind hun, you have shit people in your life and you are doing the best thing for yourself and your baby. You can get through this. 💐💪

Basically yes. Sad to say :(

As an earlier poster suggested, do not put him on the birth certificate under any circumstances. Even if he starts behaving better after the birth.
I currently attend a DA group and we all wish we'd known the implications of giving abusive men parental responsibility.

I'm surprised at your mum not having your back but abusers are incredibly manipulative and are adept at making the female look in the wrong. Never do couples counselling with him either.

Look into ACEs if you're not already familiar and then thank your lucky stars that you left this man before he damaged your child. Again, something we all wish we'd known. Society conditions us to believe that children need a mum and a dad, no matter how lousy they are however, it's much more damaging.

You will have a tough road ahead with looking after a newborn alone but once you're through it, you'll be so proud knowing that you've done the right thing x